- Use your resources. The TV, for instance, is better and cheaper than a nanny. You turn it on, it keeps the kids quiet and occupied and, in most cases, it is even teaching them something. Then, at the end of the day, you don’t have to hear the television tell you about where you are falling short as a parent.
- There is nothing wrong with a little healthy competition. Make a ranking chart and put on the refrigerator. You can call it the “Mommy’s Favorite Board” or something to that effect. At the beginning of every day, gather the children around and rank them from top to bottom on the chart. Explain that the top spot is mommy’s favorite and go on to explain why/how they made that position (they did this favor, they didn’t talk back, etc). Let all the children know that this order can change at any moment, without notice. Make sure to take any reason to go switch the order and appoint a new favorite. This is even more effective if the favorite gets some sort of privilege. It really gets the kids in line. Sure, the experts will rag on and on about damaging their self esteem, long term damage and blah, blah, blah but fuck that noise. If they maintain the “mommy’s favorite” position, their self esteem will be fine. It is a long term goal to teach them to strive for along with the short term reward.
- Drink. If you haven’t already, after having children is a good time to take up drinking. Don’t listen to these fuckwit sanctimommies that go on and on about it being irresponsible or that the minute your piss makes the line on the magic plastic stick, you are no longer allowed to be remotely selfish. I like my “me time” and I like it a lot better when there is a bottle of wine to keep me company. You thought alcohol was important the day after you turned 21? It is a requirement of a good parent. They should hand out bottles of wine and liquor to parents in the hospital.
- Force your children to subscribe to gender stereotypes from birth. Do not let little boys like pink or even touch your purse or a doll, regardless of whether he is 6 months or 6 years old. If he does any of the above, he will most likely grow up and want to fondle and marry other boys. If he shows interest in a toy kitchen, for instance, slap his hand, tell him that cooking is woman’s work and make him look at a Playboy magazine, while holding a truck in one hand and a hunting rifle in the other. If your daughter wants to play with her brother’s toy tool set and you let her, you might as well go buy her a wallet chain and a Melissa Etheridge album.
- Do not talk to children about sex. That is sick and inappropriate and it should never be discussed. If your children express any curiosity or ask questions regarding sex, tell them that sex is bad and thinking about sex, talking about sex or having sex before marriage is a one way ticket to hell. Discussion over.
- If your children yell at you or talk back or are disrespectful in general, buy them something and apologize for angering them. If you tell your child to clean his/her room and he/she screams back “NO! Fuck you, mom! You clean my fucking room! I hate you!”. Obviously, you have done something to upset or offend your precious angel and it must be resolved. In order to make amends, you should clean his/her room and/or go buy a present for your disgruntled child/teen and beg for forgiveness. This can also apply to incidents when teacher call to discuss your child’s behavior. You know that bitch probably has a vendetta against your precious little baby and/or is jealous of you and is taking it out on him/her. When she tells you that little Junior told her to shove her book up her ass, you make sure and ask her what she has against your child and what she did to provoke his/her response.
This is parenting, people, not rocket science. Now, go have a drink.