Isn’t it fun? They give you that little gun and you walk down aisles and aisles of crap, scanning every other item. If this is your first, you think everything is a necessity and your registry will probably end up being 12 pages long. Of the 487 items you have bogged down your registry with, you need about 7 of them but, rest assured, you will have soap, pacifiers, wash cloths and nipples coming out of your ass by the time the baby shower is over.
If you are expecting, I am going to tell you what you are going to actually need and use as a mother. Tell your friends that if they stray from the registry there will be hell to pay and the cake better be good.
Look, if you are having a baby, hopefully, you can afford to buy a few bottles of baby soap and some wash cloths. If your friends and family are willing to shell out the cash to make life with baby a little easier, let’s tell them to put it towards some actual necessities.
- Tile in the nursery-I am not talking about a tile floor, I am talking about tiling the entire room. Top to bottom. Make sure and include a drain in the floor. You see, babies shit. A lot. As they get older, they find new and inventive ways to let you know that they took a shit. Number three, for instance, likes to let me know by removing his diaper and smearing it across walls. Fucking adorable. If his nursery was all tile, I would just have to stand him in the middle and hose him and the walls and floors down all at the same time. You could upgrade this further with a built-in sprinkler system.
- Large kennel-Who doesn’t need a little “me” time? Throw some toys or cheerios into the kennel and go read a book.
- Electric wine opener-Look, drinking has never been as important as it is once you have children. Most of the sunrises that my children have lived to see is due, in large part, to the existence of the nectar of the Gods. When you are in the midst of a crisis or meltdown and you need wine STAT, you do not want to have to fiddle with a manual opener. Hell, you can’t waste that kind of time!
- Noise canceling headphones- Whether it is the a wailing baby or the incessant “mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom” from your older children, these will ensure that you get the quiet time you so desperately need.
- Vasectomy gift certificate-To make sure that this doesn’t happen again.
- Air freshener-Again, kids shit. A lot. Trust me, you are going to need to stock up.
- A wig-Face it. You will be lucky if you find time to shower. Don’t be overly ambitious and unrealistic and think you are going to have time to wash AND fix your hair.
- Steam Cleaner-Kids are capable of messes that your mind cannot imagine. Just this morning, number three got a hold of pancake syrup and poured it all over the living room. He is so fucking precious.
- Childcare- Because you are going to need a break. It doesn’t have to cost a ton of money!
Sure, sure, you need blankets and socks but you don’t need 50 of them and you don’t need 20 identical onesies. Don’t waste your time on bunk items like a wipies warmer or a vibrating crib. Get the items necessary for surviving parenthood. You’re welcome.