Some people refuse to acknowledge a distinction between raising boys and raising girls. I want to point my finger at them and yell “BAD PARENTS” but sometimes I hesitate, thinking maybe they are just stupid. I decided to put this all down in print, so there is no longer an excuse. Take my advice and be a good parent, destined to meet every good parent’s goal of bringing up girls who are sure to grow into popular young women that know how to attract a good husband and boys who will undoubtedly develop into alpha males who get laid. Keep your eye on the prize, parents! It’s for the kids!
This process must start at birth. Boys, from birth to adult hood, need their egos stroked. When people come visit you and your newborn son or call to check on you, never miss an opportunity to tell friends and family or strangers in the checkout line that your infant son is packing an impressive hog and/or huge set of balls inside his diaper. FYI, ladies–this ego stroke is two-fold since, for whatever reason, your boyfriend/husband will view you bragging about your newborn son’s junk in the exact same way he would you telling anyone that will listen that he has a huge dick.
For girls, dress them in pink at all times, since it can be hard to tell the difference between infant boys and girls. That doesn’t always do the trick, though. Some people are really stupid and you can have your baby girl decked out in pink taffeta, covered in ruffles and bows and you are bound to run into one person that is going to approach and say “Awwww! How old is he?” Everyone knows that an infant girl, if mistaken for an infant boy, will be scarred for life. It is imperative that you take any and every precaution to avoid a horrific, humiliating and traumatizing incident in which a stranger at the mall refers to your precious little girl as a “he”. Of course doctors get a little weird when you inquire about plastic surgery to avoid such humiliation but you no one can tell you that you can’t poke holes in her ears, get a wig or even use some makeup to tell the world “I’M A GIRL, ASSHOLES!” For some guidance, check out Toddlers and Tiaras. Those parents know how to raise ladies!
As they get older, you need to put a lot of thought into appropriate recreational toys and activities. Boys should be given trucks, cars and footballs. It is okay if they play with stuffed animals but NEVER let them play with dolls. What would people think? You want him to grow up and think it is okay to hold a baby? Boys should be encouraged to fight and wrestle as much as possible. You wouldn’t want him, in later years, to be unprepared for how to handle some asshole trying to hit on his bitch at the local bar, do you? What if he is at the gym and some guy looks at him, you know, “that way”? You don’t want him just going on with his life! No! You want him to kick that mother fucker’s ass! If he doesn’t, it is probably because you let him touch a purse as a child and now he is a friend of Dorothy’s.
For girls, you want to get them baby dolls, kitchen toys and dress up gear. Don’t let her climb trees or play in dirt, unless you are prepared to just give her a mullet cut now and can’t wait for the day that she brings home her life partner. I would also suggest that you find your daughter(s) something that can be used as a dancing pole. While you don’t want your daughter to be a stripper, you do want her to learn how to work the pole for her future days at the club. You want her to be able to attract the attention of the guys, right? Make sure she knows, real ladies don’t take their tops off for dollar bills, they take them off for plastic beads.
Also, if you start noticing her eating too much in general or eating too much junk food or starting to gain weight, make sure to point it out. Grabbing a fistful of her love handles will speak volumes. You could also start making pig noises when you see her go into the kitchen. Offer her some laxatives for dessert. I would also suggest putting a scale in front of the refrigerator. Remind her that most boys don’t like girls with fat asses. Look, it will make it a lot easier for boys to objectify her if you teach her from an early age to objectify herself.
You want to teach your daughters that only dirty whores have sex before marriage. You want her to know that it is okay, even desirable, to look and act like a dirty whore but not be one. Boys can respect a dick teaser, not a dick pleaser. Her hymen is, in essence, the air tight seal that contains her value. If that seal is broken, she is damaged goods. For a visual, chew up a piece of gum and, after you are done with it, ask your daughter(s) if she would like your gum. She will say, “no! I don’t want it after you had it!” Then you say, “and that is what the boys will say about you!” You can tell people that you have taught your daughter to respect herself through these teachings.
You want to teach your boys that their goal in life is to fuck as many girls as possible. You want to teach them that girls are not “people”, per se, but things that are fun to stick their dicks into. You want them to realize that girls that will fuck them before marriage are dirty whores but they should nail as many dirty whores as possible. Let them know they will get cool points for referring to women as “bitches”, “hoes” and “sluts” and referring to himself as a “pimp”. It is best to fool yourself into thinking that you can teach your son(s) this philosophy while, simultaneously, teaching them to respect women.
Follow these guidelines and you are bound for success! If your daughter ends up with an eating disorder and in an abusive marriage, give yourself a gold star. Hey! She is married, right! If your son ends up with illegitimate children all over the city, pat yourself on the back! Shows he was getting laid and, let’s face it, condoms are for wusses!!