You Didn’t Thank Me For Punching You in the Face

On a somewhat serious note today because of a conversation the other day:

I am sure every girl can recall, at least once as a child,  coming home and telling their parents, uncle, aunt or grandparent about a boy who had pulled her hair, hit her, teased her, pushed her or committed some other playground crime.  I will bet money that most of those, if not all, will tell you that they were told “Oh, that just means he likes you”.  I never really thought much about it before having a daughter of my own.  I find it appalling that this line of bullshit is still being fed to young children.  Look, if you want to tell your child that being verbally and/or physically abused is an acceptable sign of affection, i urge you to rethink your parenting strategy.  If you try and feed MY daughter that crap, you better bring protective gear because I am going to shower you with the brand of “affection” you are endorsing.

When the fuck was it decided that we should start teaching our daughters to accept being belittled, disrespected and abused as endearing treatment?  And we have the audacity to wonder why women stay in abusive relationships?  How did society become so oblivious to the fact that we were conditioning our daughters to endure abusive treatment, much less view it as romantic overtures? Is this where the phrase “hitting on girls” comes from? Well, here is a tip: Save the “it’s so cute when he gets hateful/physical with her because it means he loves her” asshattery  for your own kids, not mine. While you’re at it, keep them away from my kids until you decide to teach them respect and boundaries.

My daughter is `10 years old and has come home on more than one occasion recounting an incident at school in which she was teased or harassed by a male classmate.  There has been several times when someone that she was retelling the story to responded with the old, “that just means he likes you” line.  Wrong.  I want my daughter to know that being disrespected is NEVER acceptable.  I want my daughter to know that if someone likes her and respects her, much less LOVES her, they don’t hurt her and they don’t put her down.  I want my daughter to know that the  boy called her ugly or pushed her or pulled her hair didn’t do it because he admires her, it is because he is a little asshole and assholes are an occurrence of society that  will have to be dealt with for the rest of her life.  I want my daughter to know how to deal with assholes she will encounter throughout her life. For now, I want my daughter to know that if someone is verbally harassing her, she should tell the teacher and if the teacher does nothing, she should  tell me.  If someone physically touches her, tell the teacher then,  if it continues, to yell, “STOP TOUCHING/PUNCHING/PUSHING ME” in the middle of class or the hallway, then tell me.  Last year, one little boy stole her silly bandz from her.  He just grabbed her and yanked a handful of them off of her wrist.  When I went to the school to address the incident, the teacher smiled and explained it away to her, in front of me, “he probably has a crush on you”. Okay, the boy walked up to my daughter, grabbed and held her by the arm  and forcibly removed her bracelets from her as she struggled and you want to convince her that she should be flattered?  Fuck off.  I am going to punch you in the face but I hope you realize it is just my way of thanking you for the great advice you gave my daughter.  If these same advice givers’ sons came home crying because another male classmate was pushing them, pulling their hair, hitting them or calling them names, I would bet dollars to donuts they would tell him to defend themselves and kick the kid’s ass, if necessary.  They sure as shit wouldn’t say, “he probably just wants a play date”.

I will teach my daughter to accept nothing less than respect.  Anyone who hurts her physically or emotionally doesn’t deserve her respect, friendship or love.  I will teach my boys the same thing as well as the fact that hitting on girls doesn’t involve hitting girls.  I can’t teach my daughter to respect herself if I am teaching her that no one else has to respect her.  I can’t raise sons that respect women, if I teach them that bullying is a valid expression of affection.

The next time that someone offers up that little “secret” to my daughter, I am going to slap the person across the face and yell, “I LOVE YOU”.

 

EDIT: One of my readers made a very astute critique of this post and I wanted to include his whole comment, rather than just make the edit.

Love it! Do have one small criticism
“And we have the audacity to wonder why women stay in abusive relationships?” I think could be better rephrased as “And we have the audacity to wonder why abusers are able to keep women in abusive relationships?”

One is a line of reasoning that blames the abused women “Well, she’s the one choosing to stay, I guess she’s getting what she deserves!” The other better illustrates that society’s conditioning may have made them better targets, but someone had to come along to take advantage of that.

1,625 thoughts on “You Didn’t Thank Me For Punching You in the Face

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  5. Spot on. I would differentiate between real abuse and justified contact though, as I hope I don’t fall into that category. I did slap my ex-girlfriend once…but it was to wake her up because she passed out drunk at a graduation party in the lap of a kid who was just released from jail. With no inhibitions, control of her body, and the fact that she was dressed like a slut-whore, I thought it seemed like a more viable option than a drunk molestation from a convicted felon.

    • You had a good point, right up until you decided to slut-shame your ex girlfriend and “save” her from molestation with physical abuse. There are plenty of things you could have done instead of hitting her. Sitting with her. Sitting her upright. Call an ambulance if she was so drunk she couldn’t wake up.

      Instead, you valiantly saved her from her own poor choice of dress. Good job.

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  8. A fascinating discussion is definitely worth comment.

    I do think that you need to write more about this topic, it may not be a
    taboo matter but usually folks don’t speak about these subjects. To the next! Best wishes!!

    • If women are to be respected, we should as you say, respect ourselves, so why is your background image a nude “you” with a glass of bubbly???
      What are you playing at?
      You are presenting yourself as a sex object.
      I presume this is ok as you need to sell your blog???????????????
      Come on we need real “girl power” and intelligent, informed, women like you to lead by example.
      You have huge influence so use it wisely and well please.

      • What makes you think the vector graphic is of a nude “me”? Obviously she just got done working out and is wearing yoga pants and a prana tank.

        In all seriousnes,it’s a vector image graphic of a female silhouette. There aren’t nipples or vulva portrayed. It isn’t sexual or vulgar. If the outline of a breast or a female portrayed imbibing is offensive , I don’t know what to tell you. Women have breasts. I have breasts. I like wine. A lot of women do. I don’t think acknowledging the existence of breasts or drinking wine is a feminist contradiction. We will have to agree to disagree on that, I suppose. You think the faceless, basic outline of a female form is presenting myself as a sex object and I think that is really reaching for something to be offended about but, what are you gonna do? I can’t please all the people all of the time. I’m okay with that.

        Also, I don’t “sell my blog”. I don’t make a dime off of this. I have always liked writing and this blog began, and has since remained, a hobby.

        • Thank you for replying apologies for accusing you wrongly of profiteering from the blog.I hear what you are saying however I still feel it trivializes you somehow,and you seem to be worth more than that.Good luck and kind regards

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  13. Some good points here, but the way you write makes me think that you’re some trashy, over-confrontational and perpetually angry person. While I commend you for sticking up for your children, I’m really glad that my parents didn’t write or speak this way; I would have been really embarrassed. You’re language doesn’t offend me, it just gives you less credibilty on a topic like this. That said, I think that kids do things because they are kids…..they haven’t fully formed as people yet. I think most of the time, when boys pick on girls, it is because they like them, but certainly not in every instance. I don’t think we should let them get away with it, but I also don’t think that we should come to the conclusion that this is why some women endure future abuse. Parents consistently modeling good behavior is the best way that kids will learn how to act. Young boys have awkward and innappropiate ways of expressing emotion. We should let them know it isn’t right when they try to gain attention in those ways, but we also shouldn’t jump to the conclusion that this sort of thing (which has always gone on) is some long-ignored social crisis.

      • Good for you, Queen. Shawn, there, is obviously using all and every way of trying to demean and degrade you. So typical. There is a wonderful book by a woman named Kim Chernin (the book was about eating disorders in females) in which she coined the phrase “The Tyranny of Niceness.” That’s right, Shawn, if a female isn’t being or saying “nice” things, you boys move in to undermine her. Sorry, guy, it doesn’t work any more.

    • Hey Shawn, did it occur to you that this woman – and many, many other women – have perfectly good reasons to be angry? Like, oh, I don’t know, being treated this way for hundreds, if not thousands, of years?

      • I don’t think he, nor his ilk, will ever get it. When women speak out, air grievances, much less, express anger or indignation, she is just a bitter, angry and/or jaded BITCH. If only bitches have and express dissenting, even unpopular, opinions, then hand me my label.

        Thank you!

      • OMG Heather….running theme in my household this week….”par for the course”….”boys will be boys”….” Violence is NOT “par for the course” lazy parents!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • I’m so happy we have model citizens that will troll the internet and lecture us heretics about our filthy fucking mouths. Please go on and better the world by ridding heathens of their sinful tongues and policing the language of a blog I’m sure her children don’t know exists, much less fucking reads. Also: shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker mother fucker tits fart turd twat, with apologies to the late, great George Carlin.

  14. Hey there! I could have sworn I’ve been to this blog before but after checking through some of the post I realized it’s new to me.
    Nonetheless, I’m definitely delighted I found it and I’ll be book-marking and checking back frequently!

  15. This is so great. Thank you!! It also made me think that it sets girls up not only to potentially enter/stay in abusive relationships but on a more minor and slightly more insidious tip it could be where the whole ‘nice guys finish last’ BS comes from. It always amazes me how girls love the ‘bad boys’ or how many times girls will look down on a guy who is too nice, too good to her, too sweet and go for the one who treats her like shit (or just not very nicely! which is equally ridiculous). This insight totally explains that phenomenon. Anyway I LOVE this post. thank you!!!

  16. I totally agree with your stance however I strongly urge you to use less offensive language to reach a wider audience. Ranting and using vulgar words is a huge turnoff and makes one wonder if your language is so limited you know no other way to communicate.

    • What a ridiculous statement to make. Whilst people may indeed be offended by the use of vulgar words, this use does not in any way suggest that the person using them has a limited vocabulary. In fact it’s usually quite the contrary. Words considered to be ‘vulgar’ are more commonly some of the most emotive and expressive examples of language, along with being some of the most honest and descriptive. When used effectively (I can think of few more suitable subjects that this) they are particularly useful in the arousal of the desired feelings in others, as well as allowing the author to impart the entirety of their anger towards the subject.

      Surely the people who refuse to use handfuls of horrid language are the ones who are truly limiting their vocabulary? Let’s be honest, we can find all of the words deemed appropriate at Thesaurus.com.

      Fantastic post though. Should I discover any behaviour such as this towards my daughter I shall be heading to my wretched shed, taking my godforsaken shovel and wrapping it around the offending little cretin’s parents (This isn’t for me. Swearing just sounds better).

      Or maybe a little heated discussion with them would be a better idea first.

    • Oh, gee, Sharon, you think droning people to death in other countries and taking away our civil rights in this country isn’t “vulgar” and disgusting?” You think that’s all nice and polite and all good? You are having a problem with the language here when women and girls of 5 and 6 years old are being raped and murdered in India(and in the good ole USA)?

      You have a “problem” with Ms. Queen’s language? What IS the matter with you, Sharon? Your difficulty is with emotional/social/spiritual myopathy, Sharon. Go put on some glasses and take stock of your personal morals and judgments, Sharon. Look at the bigger picture. That’s what the Queen is trying to show you, though, apparently, you still don’t get it, yet.

  17. Wow, this is quite relatable. At the age of eight (that was in 2001) I was bullied by one boy and his group of followers for the duration of the entire school year. When my parents talked to the teacher about his verbal and physical harassment at the beginning of the year she told my parents sweetly, “he just has a crush on her.” I remember him getting about 20 other kids to chase us behind the portable where we had to hid under the steps to escape. They would kick dirt over our heads. When I finally shoved him back near the end of the year my teacher was extremely angry at my display of physical aggression.

  18. This post is absolutely wonderful. I’ve never noticed this before and I don’t know why I haven’t.

    In first grade, I was chased around the playground by a boy and pushed into a thicket, leaving me with scratch marks all around my stomach and arms. He was barely even punished– he just had a crush on me, that’s all. That same year, a boy forcibly tried to get me to “marry” him, twisting my arms and forcing my stay with him. He just had a crush on me. In second grade, a little boy bullied me continually, calling me names and hurting me. Once he even rallied a group of about ten boys to beat up me and my friend. It wasn’t until he wrote me a note saying that he hated me and wanted to hurt me that he got in trouble, and even then, he just had a crush on me. That same year, I was being verbally abused by another boy who just had a crush on me.

    I haven’t realized until now I was a victim of violence and nobody did freaking anything because a little boy “just had a crush on me.” I can distinctly remember an incident in fourth grade when a girl had a crush on a boy and when he didn’t give her the same adoration she beat him up. She was suspended from school. So how come she was punished severely when I, who had suffered similar acts, was brushed off?

    I’m in ninth grade now and a boy has a crush on me and he’s scaring me. He chases me through the hallway and touches my legs and hands and he won’t leave me alone. I make it very obvious that I am feeling uncomfortable, and I’ve told people about it, yet nobody’s come to my aid because he just has a crush on me.

    Bull. S***.

  19. What “right on” psychology you address about bullying. When we were growing up, my sister and I were picked on by the boys because we were the only 2 who didn’t have brothers. We were the vulnerable ones and were taught to accept it because of that weak rationalization. Well here I am, a grown woman, with a man who I am sure was a bully and still is a bully. I even say to him that I bet he pulled girls pigtails when he was younger and he tells me no, that he was a good boy, then he smiles and says yea I guess I did. I can tell by his treatment of me that he was and still is a bully. So for all you know it alls who dismiss it as innocent childhood behavior that is outgrown, you’re wrong. He’s 54 years old and since he has gotten away with it his whole life, feels that I’m overreacting when I call him a bully. He calls me names and threatens to destroy me with the Internet or tries to make me fear him if I do something that he doesn’t like. All the while telling everyone that I’m a “head case” and he can’t take this anymore, then tries to get me to apologize when I tell him to go because he knows damn well that its him and he’s just using this bad behavior to try to control me. It’s because he has gotten away with it his whole life and no one had ever called him out on it before but I do. So he will push my buttons, belittle me, put me down, threaten me that he always gets revenge and if I do anything that he doesn’t like I will pay for it until he tries to get ME to apologize for everything and anything. It’s all about control. I’ve actually had enough and after 11 years told him he has to go. It’s my apartment. So he tells me nobody tells me to go. Ill go when I want to. And if you do anything to try to make me go you’ll see what happens to you. Here’s the thing, at first I thought he had boyish, impish, bad boy charm…. But it’s really just narcissistic controlling bullying, but we as women are conditioned to accept that behavior because they’re just boys and they will grow out of it. Boys will be boys right? WRONG! It’s harmful and it sucks and we shoukdnt have to take control as acceptable behavior. It’s put bullying whether they’re 8 or 54. He gets away with it because his family either tells me that you can’t pay attention to him or that’s him or feels sorry for him when as soon as he does something or says something to me, he calls them up and twists the story around so that he’s the victim. He needs that validation to rationalize his behavior so as soon as he hears someone say you can’t live like that he’s all puffed up with ego and actually believes that he’s a great guy and didn’t say anything wrong to me. It’s bizarre.

    • You are so much better than that and I can tell that you are strong! I hope that you have a support system and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. You deserve your independence. Do not give up your autonomy. Do not give in to his control. Please, please, please–if you need an ear, contact me via my contact on this site or my FB page. Thank you for sharing your story.

  20. Love it! Do have one small criticism
    “And we have the audacity to wonder why women stay in abusive relationships?” I think could be better rephrased as “And we have the audacity to wonder why abusers are able to keep women in abusive relationships?”

    One is a line of reasoning that blames the abused women “Well, she’s the one choosing to stay, I guess she’s getting what she deserves!” The other better illustrates that society’s conditioning may have made them better targets, but someone had to come along to take advantage of that.

  21. I told my niece that when boys do that, it *might* be because they have a crush and are just too hormonally crazed and confused to realize how to behave, but by no means should she just put up with it. She should tell me, and I will DEAL with it.

    Further, I told her that if she raises a fuss about it, she’d actually be doing these young fools a favor, by teaching them that abusing girls is NOT the way to behave. None of this “She should have sucked it up, rather than RUIN HIS LIFE” crap.

    I do not use the word crap lightly. It is crap. When a victim of abuse calls out their abuser, the only one guilty of ruining the abuser’s life is the abuser. But if you teach these abusive types young, and they learn to stop being abusive early enough, their lives will be saved, not ruined.

    I view stopping the abuse as a good thing, both for the victim, and the fool doing the abusing, in the first place, especially when it happens in the early years, and there is still plenty of time to avoid adult consequences.

    Small children, and even teens, often don’t have a clue how to express love, and it may very well be that they are modeling behavior they have seen in their homes. If a boy’s father expresses “love” to his mother by abusing her, then the boy will probably think that’s the way he should act, too. He needs sensible people to teach him the error of that path, before it is too late. First stop the abuse and acceptance of abuse, and then teach him how to properly court his crush.

    So, yes, I will tell her that the boy in question may very well be acting out of a crush he has on her. That doesn’t give him the right to act that way, and there WILL be consequences, for both their sakes.

  22. When I originally commented I appear to have clicked the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and now every time a comment is added I get four emails
    with the same comment. Perhaps there is a means you are able to remove me from that service?

    Many thanks!

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  24. WOW, what an excellent blog. This brought back memories… And when I was 12 I finally punched one of my abusers in the face. As far as mydaughter Em (now in her 20s) was concerned, I told her to defend herself: to avoid hitting unless a blow to her was imminent or had occured. I told her to avoid violence but if necessary to do it well. I said “you’d get punished at school, but dinner out and a new toy from me.” I meant it.

  25. More often than not, the boy IS pulling the hair of the girl because he likes her. How you attempt to compare the same actions between a mature adult and a child is a bit disturbing all by itself! It hurts a lot more to be the ignored child on the playground. I know a woman who would’ve loved to have just one boy pull her hair, or acknowledge her existence. Your “view” is not without merit, but at the same time I’m not so sure that you’ve really thought the matter through….

    • Has it ever crossed your mind that the behaviors of a child reflect the kind of person that child will grow into? That the ideas and attitudes and morals instilled into the child of today will shape the perception of the world carried by that adult of tomorrow? Pro-tip: It absolutely shares a connection, and it absolutely has an influence. Teaching a child of any gender that laying their hands on another person in a non-friendly, unwelcome manner opens the door for them to do the same in a much more extreme level when they are older- because invading personal space and smacking, pulling, and other forms of “teasing” or “playing” were not taught to be something serious and much less “wrong”. Your comment of “knowing a woman who would have loved to have just one boy pull her hair, or acknowledge her existence” is honestly disgusting, and shows a truly ignorant way of viewing the world, and an even more ignorant, disparaging way of viewing this female acquaintance of yours, if she even exists. YOUR “view” has no merit whatsoever, and needs deeply of some introspection and actual realization of both the psychological effects the kind of playground teasing she describes in her blog can have on children of both genders well past the playground, and that you, perhaps, didn’t think the matter through before responding.

    • Don’t be an ass, MachoMan. I WAS punched in the jaw by a boy who “liked” me in the 6th grade. SOOO did not like it at all. Just because YOU think that’s a form of “affection” doesn’t mean the recipient thinks so. Okay?

      I am now in my ’50′s and recently had a colleague (who is in his ’60′s) do this to me. Punched me right in my arm. Are you joking? I told him out
      right that I hadn’t had that kind of “affection” done to me since I was in elementary school and I did not then, nor do I now, appreciate it.

      Next time, this same idiot decided that, while I was leaning over the desk of our receptionist talking with HER about things, planting his elbows right on my lower back as though I am some sort of furniture for him was amusing.

      Now, I work in healthcare and any moron should know that pressing down on someone’s back while they are bent over can cause damage. As soon as he did it, I just said, “Get yourself OFF my back right now.” I was focussed on my conversation with the receptionist that did not include him.

      He didn’t obey my command (I do, indeed, have a former herniated disk right where he was pressing down, a position which, in fact, could seriously damage my lower spine). I again said, “GET OFF MY BACK RIGHT NOW!!!” He did, though “sulked” away, of course, humiliated by being observed in public – and humiliated is exactly what he should have been.

      Guys, here’s the message: females and women are NOT here to serve as your punching bags, your furniture, your play toys. WE are your equals, and I hope, sincerely, you give up your childish garbage and start treating us the way we are meant to be treated. As equals, together.

      Otherwise, those of us who are aware and awake and self-possessed, are going to give you your come-uppance, which you deserve.

      Power and domination and treating women like “things/play toys” is NOT real, intimate human relationship. So get with the program, boys, and learn to grow up and be MEN in the world. That’s about partnership, not domination.

      Got it yet?

    • How do you think men learn that abusing women is OK? They learn it as boys when they do this shit and don’t get called out for it. The man grows from the child, he doesn’t just suddenly become an abusive dick out of nowhere one day.

  26. I had to weigh in, as someone who was bullied throughout school. None of the little boys who bullied me did it because they “liked” me. The ones who liked me were my friends and treated me kindly. The bullies were typically mean to everyone. In elementary school, the biggest bully told me that the reason he was going to make my life a living hell (and he did) was because he didn’t like new kids. In high school, when one of the worst bullies (a guy who actually slammed me into a wall and was later “taught a lesson” by a classmate because of those actions) actually called me to apologize years later, I asked him why he had done it. His response: “you seemed like such a strong person, I just wanted to see if I could get you to cry.” That doesn’t sound like a strong endorsement of “crush” behavior. In fact, I can say with certainty that NONE of the boys (or girls) who beat me up throughout school did so because they really “liked” me, or another one of my parents’ excuses for the treatment, because they were “just jealous.” Um, no. Nobody is jealous of the outcast. I wish that parents would teach their children from a young age that if you truly like someone, you treat them with kindness and compassion, not with violence, contempt, or abrasiveness. As many have said on here, there is a difference between teasing and bullying. But it is also very easy for one to transition into the other if it goes unchecked for too long. We do a disservice to our men AND women when we perpetuate gender stereotypes like “boys just don’t know any better cause that’s how they act toward each other.” We do ouselves a disservice, because I have seen that it is quite possible for a guy to show he likes you in a way that is respectful of personal boundaries and the limits of dignity. We do ourselves a disservice by not challenging a child’s belief that they should think/act/behave toward everyone in the same way in spite of the fact that we (males and females) are fundamentally different. And we do ourselves a disservice by excusing this behavior away when it happens with platitudes like “kids will be kids” or “they’re just jealous” or “they do it cause they like you.” We do ourselves a disservice when we don’t use these moments as opportunities to teach our children something different.

  27. I have two sons and a daughter and it is my 13yo son who has this problem right now. He has a 14yo girl following him around and asking him intrusive questions and pulling him to go with her when he doesn’t want to. When he says No, she just keeps on doing it and he has no idea how to stop her since he knows he’s not allowed to push or hit girls.

    • Well he should be taught that hitting or getting hit in general is not okay regardless of sex. I guess if he’s getting hit by someone he needs to defend himself and among many boy circles, showing physical strength can be important but still…

  28. I feel as though you think that 10 year-olds have the same mental traits as adults (things like: how to show affection “properly”, the morality and implications of mental and physical harm, proper respect of other people and their property, etc.).

    Additionally, you’re an adult who has absolutely no right to bring physical violence upon another person for stating their personal opinion. If you think it’s okay to slap someone and shout “I LOVE YOU” for saying something, would it be acceptable for me to respond to this article by breaking your jaw and saying “GOOD JOB!”? No, it would not. You hold this hypocritical opinion that physical violence isn’t an okay way to get a point across, and you somehow think that hurting people is an okay way to change their opinion (even in a theoretical situation.) I’m sure you’re a great mother… but you’re a terrible human-being.

    Finally, perhaps you should do a little research on abusive relationships before you jump to the rash conclusion that grade-school name calling is mental conditioning for something incredibly sever like BPS.

    • She obviously thinks it’s not okay to use violence to another human being and she was trying to make a point. She’s not going to punch someone and scream I love you she’s just saying that that’s the same as letting a boy use violence to express himself and it’s inappropriate!!!

    • Of course 10 year olds don’t have the same mentality as adults, they wouldn’t be able to understand the complexities of morality and love until they’re much older. But do you know what 10 year olds do when they face these complexities? They ask adults for explanations for what they don’t understand, and since adults are the fountains of knowledge in their eyes they would take their words as unquestionable truth and isn’t it just messed up that what they’re being told is that abuse is a sign of affection?

      • Love and morality starts at the dinner table and in the home. It’s not “out there” somewhere. What you teach as a parent regarding respect and equality with and toward others resonates everywhere, whether in school, on the playground, in sports activities, academic achievement, etc.

        You know, in high school, in chemistry lab, I had a gross dweeb as my lab partner. A boy. During our final exams, wherein I was seated next to him, he started playing “footsy” with me and indicating with his nods to “help” him with his answers. I could not believe it at first, thinking (as most girls are trained to think), that it was some weird “misunderstanding” on my part.

        NO, it wasn’t. The jerk expected me to “help” him based on his sexualized attention toward me. Yuck. Ew. I got it in my guts: totally gross boy usury on his part.

        So, no, sorry, pal. I picked up my papers and walked to another table to do my exam – and I was far above him in ability. He failed. I passed with high marks.

        Females, girls, women, stop giving yourselves away to these lesser beasts. Stand up and OWN yourselves as the intelligent, bright, able people you are. Let these far lesser gods drown in their own dust. They will . . . eventually.

    • Your concern toward child development is admirable. As someone working in the development profession, I can tell you that their development is influenced by WHAT WE TEACH THEM AS CHILDREN. If you teach a boy that hitting someone because you like them is okay, or that they can’t be held responsible for their behavior, you are setting a precedent that allows them to use this excuse later in life.

      If you teach a girl that hitting is a sign of love, and that she should sit back and do nothing, you are setting a precedent that tells her she doesn’t need to stand up for herself in the event her boyfriend/husband smacks her in the future. As someone WITH BPS, I can tell you that “but he loves me” is an excuse that people who abuse/are abused use and that it PERPETUATES abuse. It perpetuates rape, assault, and battery.

      And until someone teaches our boys that they aren’t slaves to some primal instinct that compels them to hurt people or rape a girl “because she was wearing a short skirt”, and teaches our girls that standing up and saying “no I don’t deserve to be hit/teased/tormented and that someone who likes me will never do these things or should know that they are unacceptable” is okay and that demanding respect is okay, these things will not be solved.

      Thinking otherwise is small-minded, archaic, and offensive to the men and women in those situations.

  29. This is excellent, I feel so late in seeing this! I don’t think my parents ever taught me that, at least I don’t remember them saying it, though I heard it in other places and wondered why it was acceptable. I still remember once when a boy several years younger than me was disrespecting NKOTB in front of me and I shoved him into a bush. In hindsight, that was probably a major overreaction, but I guess my parents realized at that point that I could hold my own with the boys. I did get in trouble for it, but I think they also appreciated that I wasn’t going to take crap just because I was a girl.

  30. Lovely!

    I was bullied by boys from when I was 5 until I was 14 (different ones.) This ranged from having my hair pulled, unwanted kisses, to having my private parts grabbed and having rocks thrown at me. (I had a concussion.)

    In all instances, I was told that it was because they liked me and it was dismissed.

    Some of these boys did like me. Some of them hated me. Some of them grew up to be perfectly nice people and good husbands. Some grew up to be…well I haven’t really cared enough to see HOW they grew up to be honest and I still don’t.

    But all that is all irrelevant. Because I didn’t want my hair pulled. I didn’t want to be kissed by that particular boy. I didn’t want my private parts grabbed. I didn’t want to be hit. I didn’t want to be pushed. I didn’t want my belongings stolen and kept away from me. I didn’t want my bra snapped. I didn’t want to be tripped. I didn’t want someone to devise ways to humiliate me in front of the class. Every single one of these incidents happened in a milieu where there were specific rules against these things and they were NOT enforced because of the genders involved. It was not unreasonable for me to ask that the rules for behavior apply to those who were bullying me as they would be applied to myself.

    When I broke the rules by mistreating a boy or another girl, I was punished and I deserved it. If I wasn’t punished by an adult, I was punished when those kids didn’t want to play with me anymore. Because of this, I had to be self-aware of my actions and that’s one of the things that helped me grow up.

    “He likes you” is a dumb excuse. I don’t have a high opinion of adults who let kids get away with things because of lame-ass excuses. Nor do I respect those who are desperately looking for “outs” so they don’t have to enforce consistent rules.

  31. When I told my mum, my teachers, my sister, that he/them didn’t like me, that I thought that was stupid, at 6 years old, they looked at me fondly and told me to leave it alone. The only times they made something was when it was a girl. I repeated it at 7, 8, and 9 years old. I stopped wearing skirts because boys tried to look under or pulled them down in front of everyone. After those ages I started reciprocating the ‘sentiment’, as they told me (finally) at home, but that got me as the bad one, the brute girl, the paranoic, loud, badmouthed child, and teachers scolded me and told me they were ashamed of my actions, that they thought I could do better. Now I have a permanent defensive behavior that I cannot change, it’s instinctive, and it hurts to be ashamed of breaking down, even if everyone else (now) wouldn’t mind helping, or at least offering, because I would push them away and wouldn’t be able to take it back. I am aware that I need to try harder to correct those traits, but I haven’t been able to have adecuate friends-or just proper, friendly classmates- until I left the last of my old peers behind, when I changed schools two years ago. I’m happy that someone is able to see the kind of influence, of consequences that labelling these acts as childish and normal causes-or may cause- with time. Thank you so very much.

  32. Reblogged this on adventuresinvilgatown and commented:
    This blog is hilarious and I love it! It’s very true that I would not put up with any act that could be considered bullying or harrassment. That being said, I do slightly disagree. I disagree (just a little bit) because I do believe that there is a very big difference in full on bullying/harrassment and the innocent hair pulling/teasing. I also think the phrase” Oh, that’s just because he/she likes you” is valid although I would never use it as an excuse not to address the offenders behavior.
    Now before everyone starts freaking out and saying that I will allow my girls (or boy) to grow up accepting that they must be verbally /physically abused to be loved, please untwist your panties and let me explain.
    I personally wasn’t harrassed or beat up by anyone that favored me in elementary school, but there were boys that teased, call me names, pulled my hair. Oddly enough, most of these boys didn’t grow up to be serial killers or abusive husbands. Actually, I hope none of them did but I’m not BFF’s with any of them, so I could totally be wrong. I also didn’t put up with it either…I distinctly remember throwing a shoe at someone when they were in the midst of their teasing. There are probably a few out there that probably remember this too:) Ahhh,memories!
    Since my elementary days, I have since married a wonderful man and have 4 beautiful children. I met my husband in high school and he didn’t pull my hair or push me down, but I did fall for him LMAO Don’t tell anyone though, but after being married for 11 years he does ocassionally pull my hair…I know, right, the audacity! He calls me names, pokes me in ribs, holds me down and tickles me. For the love of all that’s good, call the authorities. Just kidding, I do not feel abused or unsafe in my home. And brace yourself,I will admit, I do those things to him too….I hope everyone was sitting down for that one! I don’t always (more like hardly ever) want to be bent over in a romatic kiss when he comes home from work and he sure as hell better pull my hair rather than bring me a bouquet of soon-to-be-dead flowers.
    My children, they obviously watched our awesomeness. These kids love each other to pieces…literally;) They tease, bicker, chase, annoy.There’s definitely been some hair pulling and poking. Their future therapist can work those issues out later, but I figure they are just being kids right now. They always get reprimanded but my point is, they don’t act this way with just any old friend. My kids trust each other to act their worst around each other….they sadly do this with us too. We love them no matter what, right? So it could be true that when they “like” another child, they may act the way they would act with their sibling. If a child tugs on another’s hair or teases them, I think it could be true that he/she really does like the other child. The child’s behavior should be addressed though and not blown off. I don’t think the teasing makes them an asshole… at least not yet anyways. If it continues/gets worse, then we have a problem and thery ‘re not going to like the medicine I prescribe to fix the problem.
    So yes, I agree with the fact that you should not raise your children to be a doormat, no matter what their gender. They should always tell you about anything that makes them uncomfortable ans as a parent, you should take care of the issue in some way,shape or form, rather than using a phrase to blow it off. I disagree with teaching our children that anyone that picks on them is an asshole and that there is no motive for their actions besides pure hatred. Out of my entire class, there are only a handful I would consider assholes…one did tease me in elementary school but he was a dick all through high school, so obviously it was his destiny. The others teasers (the ones that had their teasing in check by the transition to middle school) have turned out to be wonderful husbands and fathers.

  33. You know, if they say a guy teased a girl, he won’t see a problem. But if they say he did it because he likes her, he will be embarassed, and probably stop. That’s why they say it to kids, it’s the best way to avoid it, not to clearify it to the girl.

  34. While it is true that some kids do bully because they “like” the victim and want the attention, the problem is that we teach the victim that this is something to be tolerated. That they have to put up with and accept the abuse because someone else isn’t capable of properly communicating their emotions. What should happen is that the bully should be taught that what they did was wrong, and how to properly communicate what they really feel. Stop teaching that abuse is affectionate! It only damages both parties, raising abusers and victims.

  35. This post is great argument that boys and girls benefit from being educated separately. Boys make fun of other boys they like, and it draws them closer. Intent is key. Intent to harm versus intent to play and make friends is the main distinguishing factor. Girls don’t operate this way and shouldn’t have to be exposed to this while being educated. It’s just a distraction. Just like boys shouldn’t have to be exposed to rules and mores dictating that they sit down, “behave” and fall in line, as is the want of a majority of girls.

    So yeah, slapping someone to tell them you love them is acceptable between men. I’m not sure you knew that. Men and women really are fundamentally different sorts of people.

    On the other hand, disrespecting people in any form is of course on the rise and has been for 50 years, mainly because people don’t have any reason for being moral. And that is a tragedy.

    • Are you serious? You’re running on the assumption that boys/men are born with something inherent that makes them become closer by hitting/verbally abusing each other. THIS IS A SOCIALIZED BEHAVIOR. Not all men become closer by hitting each other, or verbally abusing each other (whether it is joking or not). Your point of view on the matter is based on gender roles, where the man is strong and emotionally hardy, whereas women are (by nature) just more sensitive. Not all women become friends by having tea parties and sewing. You are putting people into gender stereotyped roles, and stating that socialized behavior (behavior that is NOT inherent, behavior that we learn from those around us as “normal”) is inherent, which is totally ignorant, in my opinion. It defends all of the negative behavior that we allow men to get away with just based on their sexuality. It allows for aggression because men “are just naturally more physical”. It allows for rape because “her skirt was too short and she was asking for it”. This rationale for others’ behavior is NOT acceptable.

  36. “He probably just wants a play date …” Great line. But also so perfect. I love this whole thing in a very non hitty way. Thanks for spreading the word!

  37. “Oh, that just means he likes you”…..OMG…..countless times! When a boy/man likes you, they will abuse you and not only is it OKAY, it’s a compliment….that’s the message, so wrong in so many ways! Thank you for this post.

  38. When I was a kid, there used to be this jerk who would punch me in the arm every day, and call me names. The names weren’t anything THAT bad, but to a little 3rd grader they were horrible. He made my life miserable every day. I told my mom and her response was “aww, that’s cute! He probably likes you.” One day I had enough – he punched me in the arm and laughed like he normally did, and I punched him in the face and clawed and bit him. He never bothered me again, but my mom STILL brings him up to this day (I’m 25 now..) how it’s a shame that I scared him off, and that he was cute and he was just trying to get my attention. One time he was out at the same grocery store as us (I didn’t even recognize him anymore, but apparently my mom did) and she wanted me to go say hi to him.

    I couldn’t care less if he liked me or not, I just wanted him to leave me alone, and he did. Mission accomplished.

    • And yet, people keep replying that we should accept it as a social norm and teach our children to do the same. Thankfully, the majority of responses have come from other intelligent people who can recognize this to be a relevant issue and want to change the dialogue.

      Good for you for being unwilling to accept the status quo and asserting your boundaries.

  39. Few points of contention here. Calling children assholes is wrong. Vowing to teach your children from entirely different perspectives based on gender is wrong. Marginalizing gay men by attaching a negative stigma to a sexual orifice is wrong. Assuming that only boys do this is wrong. Assuming a male child is smart enough to, when confronted by an authority figure, understand the problem, while not assuming that your daughter is smart enough to grasp the idea that some people can’t express themselves correctly, and that doesnt make them evil, is wrong. Congratulations, you just became a sexist. There is nothing right about being wrong.

    • Guess what? Sometimes children are assholes. That is just a scientific fact.

      I won’t even bother with the rest, since it is blatantly obvious that you are A) a troll or B) this went completely over your head.

      • It is not “scientific fact” that some children are assholes. That makes no sense to say or believe. It is, however, psychological and tested fact that kids often pick on the person they like, because that is just what the do naturally. They’re not assholes, evil, wrong, or mean. Sometimes they go too far, but it is what kids do and you can’t expect an 8 year old to feel like he can’t poke a cute girl. You’re too worked up over natural stuff. If your girl is having a hard time of it then help her learn to talk people off, but don’t assume everyone besides you and your daughter is a bad person.

        Although a daughter of yours might have quite the rude and terrible mouth, so she should be able to make little children cry.

        • *facepalm* Are you fucking kidding me? Do you understand that not everything you hear or read (especially here) should be taken literally? Do you understand that some statements (especially here) are made facetiously? You may want to peruse some of my other blogs and familiarize yourself with hyperbole and sarcasm while you are here.

          Show me the studies. Show me the scientific FACTS that show that bullying is hard wired into our biology to attract or choose a mate. This phenomenon is a sociological construct, not biological.

          Children are not born knowing how to interact appropriately with others. They must be taught.If my son hit a girl, it wouldn’t be acceptable. I wouldn’t coo about “it must be a crush”. If my daughter hit a boy, I wouldn’t laugh and tell everyone, “he must be her boyfriend”. It is up to parents to teach their children the difference between right and wrong and acceptable and unacceptable behavior and treatment of others. I won’t tell them that hitting/being hit is not acceptable, unless you like the person or they like you, then it is ADORABLE!

          You want to post a comment, chastising me for saying children (general) can be assholes and you close with a derogatory assumption about my daughter (specific). It makes my day when trolls out themselves with shit like this. Obviously, if I curse on an online blog, the logical conclusion is that my children must curse like truckers too. You, however, think nothing of outright stating that perpetuating the notion that bullying is acceptable, as long as it is known or perceived to demonstrate affection. And those conclusions are completely logical to you? Scary.

  40. Sorry but im calling bull shit here too! I have been the quite shy girl who got bullied.. ( called gay by the guys ) cause i held my best friends hand when i was in fourth grade.. ect. you know what? it made me stronger. I had an abusive brother who was just a few years older than me. he had anger issues would unplug the phone when i tried to call out, almost punched me square in the jaw and only barely missed cause my mother came home. He’d sit outside my door and listen to conversations i had with my best friend. He used to pick my little sister up and choke her by the throat with her feet dangling. ( then i’d fight him i’d never let him hurt her) He almost punched my mother out but didnt out of fear of my father, he had such anger problems that i would sit in my room with my door locked til my parents came home. Even my mother was scared of him as well. ( thats just ONE of my brothers) and you know what? . He NEVER pulled the hair or hit the girls he liked in grade school… weird eh? In fact it was the opposite even when he was younger he was EXTRA sweet to girls to make them like him. giving them gifts, being polite, opening doors for them ect. But the second he got mad you better freaking run like a bat outta hell. He chocked me kicked me and punched me- ( when i was little and older) and trust me he was punished when he was younger too. abuse like your referring to isnt a silly you pulled my hair type crap if that was all my brother did to me when i was 8 i would of laughed. with that said, its not a matter of being conditioned to be be littled. ( i mean half the girls i know that are kids can easily defend themselves to little boys and do) I never took that crap from a guy even when i was young i fought like hell. you know what? i still wouldnt and my husband knows it he’s watched me cut abusive people out of my life without blinking. my daughter doesnt take crap either and she is an only sibling. Its not based on how some little boy treated you when you were child – thats all wrong- you need to base this on how you SHOULD be treated and DESERVE as a human to be treated. as mothers its our duty to teach our children to have self confidence despite others opinions of us. to teach our little ladies what a real man is like and what they do deserve. So when the time comes that they are dating they CAN spot someone who is an abusive individual. A little boy pulling a girls pigtails is just that a little boy being a little boy…( they rough house, would you rather they play with barbie dolls?) my best friends son comes over and hits my daughter (he’s 2 and she’s 5) does it mean she feels belittled? do you think she takes it? answer : no she gives it right back ( not as harshly but she gives it back) and if a little boy pulls my daughters hair he’ll prolly get punched square in the face… not that, that response is a good thing. but i taught my daughter what to expect and how to act. its the parents job to do so. pulling hair isnt abusive or conditioning anyone for anything its just kids being kids. enough said. as for the whole “he likes you ” thing. sometimes yes, sometimes its just kids being kids. dont read so far into silly sayings. worry more about how your little one is doing/acting. btw how does this work if the girl kicks the guy? or smacks the guy? is she belittling him??? ;)

    • Thanks for the warning that you are not raising your kids with any expectations at all. You realize they grow up right? They actually have to learn to be respectful eventually. It doesn’t come as a birthday gift. Do us all a favor and keep you bullying little brats with low self-esteem and no self-respect away from other kids and homeschool, okay?

      • Yeah, that whole response had me shaking my head. She was physically abused by her brothers, allegedly to a severe extent and she excuses it and goes on to excuse abusive behavior towards and from her child(ren). I thought it a waste of my time to attempt dissent.

        • in sociology we call it “maladaptive behavior” adapting to an unhealthy environment instead of demanding to change it is of negative not positive survival value. your brothers damaged you. You are passing the lesson onward. and AMEN to the queen of the couch. it’s called psychological normalization. How Benal, evil is. Just go read the benality of evil instead of assuming still being alive means you’ve learned somethig of value

    • attempting to integrate with a fundamentally unhealthy culture and successfully adapting to rather than challenging it is of NEGATIVE not POSITIVE survival value.
      the culture itself is sick, playing by it’s rules only continues the madness.

      you aren’t helping anything by continuing the error. “Jerks” are an evolutionary mistake. they are of no value.call it coddling if you must but it’s only a “cruel world “because no one stands up to cruel people. and breaks their SPINES and puts them in their place

      without cruel people the world wouldn’t need to be “strong” that way.

      you can’t simutaniously cause something and then make excuses saying it’s necessary your kids be taught it too. Sorry. Cake and eatingit too. what you learned was how to adapt to an unhealthy culture. congrats. you’re now even more unhealthy because of it. Thanks…. maladaptive behavior. and if I have kids keep them far away from mine.

  41. I completely agree. When I was in grade school, I was bullied a lot for being the quiet, shy one. I was told that the boys did it because they “liked me” and the girls did it because they were jealous. When I started dating at the age of 14, I never bothered to tell anyone the relationship was abusive because he “loved” me. When I was 15 I had another boyfriend who was the same way, I said nothing about it because he “loved” and I friend zoned all the boys who were halfway decent human beings because I became accustomed to being abused. I actually had a boyfriend at the age of 17 who started out like the rest of them, but when he changed, I broke up with him, because it didn’t feel right. I didn’t know how to act in a healthy relationship.

  42. I don’t normally condone foul language in my presence, but girls and women are faced with this kind of bullshit everyday – from the day they’re born. It’s high time we expressed our righteous anger and stopped being so damned nice.

  43. Pingback: How We Teach Girls That Their Feelings Don't Matter | Bicultural Mom™

  44. Good for you! The boy who did that to me in 8th grade walked away with a bloody nose & fat lip, even though he was 6ft tall and I was barely 5ft.

  45. Well I have to agree and disagree on this point. First off I am a mother of a beautiful (inside and out) little girl and I would never tolerate anyone abusing her. She wouldn’t either.

    The truth is in a lot of cases though the boy (or girl) really does like the ‘victim’ and just wants their attention. They just doesn’t know how to go about getting that attention in a healthy way.

    My daughter makes emotional mistakes, because she is a child and is human. How I deal with it is to talk to her. Ask her what she is wanting out of a situation, how she would like it if someone treated her the way she treated the other person, and what other options might be for getting her desired outcome and getting along better with people. I do not vilify her, I work with her to come up with acceptable and better solutions.

    Yes, sometimes we are dealing with a bully. I would say that mostly we are probably just dealing with a child that hasn’t been given better options and is just acting out of emotional immaturity.

    Let’s work to find a better solution for everyone, girls and boys alike.

    • Omigoodness with the missing of the point. Sure, let’s concede that little boys do hit the girls they like because they don’t know any other way. Shouldn’t the adults around him teach him another way instead of just laughing off violent & aggressive behavior?

      Little girls should never be made to internalize that violence from boys is an indicator of affection, nor should little boys have their violence against girls so easily laughed off by authority figures. Because little boys & little girls grow up to be men who beat women & women who think those beatings mean he cares.

  46. Not only is this applicable to how boys treat girls, but it should also lend to how we teach our children to stand up to bullies and mean girls.

  47. Whoa. Genius post and thank you for sharing. As moms to 5 girls, it’s a challenge with the whole self-respect – body image – awkward stuff as it is. Hey punks, keep your grubby mitts off!

  48. I really really like that you said all this. It is so completely true. Liking someone is CERTAINLY no excuse to act shitty towards them. And if you bully my daughter, I have a problem with that. ‘He was just teasing her’ my ass, you hurt her because you want her attention and you’ve made a gigantic fucking enemy in me.

  49. Pingback: "You didn't thank me for punching you in the face"

  50. Love this! Absolutely love! When I was a child (3 years old), a little boy constantly harassed me and I would be sent home EVERYDAY with an incident report attached to my shirt for my father to read. He talked to the teacher, he talked to the daycare staff, and even talked to the MPs (we lived on a military base). Nothing was done to ensure the harassment would end and I would be safe. So after another day of coming home with a bruise, my dad took things into his own hands and taught me defensive moves and told me that if the little boy ever hurt me again, that I was to kick, bite, punch, and hit back (I know not the greatest thing to tell a 3 year old girl, but my dad wanted to know that something was being done). And thats exactly what I did, as soon as he hurt me, I fought back, and didn’t stop. The little boy ended up with a broken nose and some bad bruises, and after a day in front of a judge, the little boy was 1) not allowed within 500 yards of me 2) His dad was demoted, and 3) they had to move, the daycare was also taken to the cleaners for not doing anything to stop the harassment. But its just sad that it took, my dad having to teach me how to fight, for me to finally get the protection I should have gotten from day 1 when the harassment began! I’ll never let any of my future children go through what I did. Being hurt/harassed never, NEVER means love!

  51. Pingback: ‘You Didn’t Thank Me For Punching You in the Face’ | Mom Paradigm

  52. I love that you wrote this. I have been wondering for years how I could have been told this as a child and then as an adult no one could understand why I ended up in abusive relationships. I finally met a man who does not “like” me like that. I also have one child, a son and I’ll tell you what, he learned from a very young age that it was never OK to put your hands on anyone, especially a girl. I may have gone a bit overboard on this since his first real girlfriend was apparently not taught the same thing. Why can’t everyone teach their kids if you like someone express it, if you don’t then walk away. I know there will always be assholes in the world, another lesson my son had to learn, just so he wouldn’t be surprised when it happened. All women should teach their daughters being hit is not OK, hitting is not OK and their sons should be told the same thing. Maybe if they learned not to accept it there would be fewer girls who have to learn the hard way like I did. Thanks again.

    • I have three boys and one girl. When they are mean to one another, I make them hug and say one nice thing about the other. They have to mean it. ;) I’m hoping if they learn to think about how they treat their siblings, it will carry over to their peers. So far, my daughter is so thoughtful and caring. My son, who just finished kindergarten, I don’t think could hurt a fly. I’m hoping they continue this way and that the younger two carry on the tradition. The three year old, so far, is my biggest challenge. I hope it is just the ‘thrilling threes’!! Fingers crossed.

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  54. Just wanted you to know that this post was why I became a fan of your blog. My daughter, who is 26, and two of my nieces who are moms all sent it to me the day you posted it. I loved it then, I love it now, It flew from one independent woman to another, and we knew that you had nailed it. Great piece!

  55. It amazes me that children are becoming so hateful that the nice kids have to be taught how deal with being bullied!!!!!

    Really?? Why do I have to explain to my child that noone is teaching the bully how to be nice? Why is it ignored by punishing the bully? If we as parents took the time to teach our children what to say, how to act, and CORRECT them and MAKE them do it right each time they do it wrong, maybe there would be less bullying.

    Honestly, I think most children don’t know what to really say. And I blame adults for only teaching no, and stop it. Each negative thing said is followed with 3 things they DO like about the person. And if there is attitude, they have to do it again. It will also teach them how to respect others and give self esteem because they wont be getting fussed at so much.

    And we won’t need courses on how to deal with a bully. Or make them say 3 things nice. Theres your course parents with bullies.

  56. As the mother BOYS my sons are taught to respect girls as though it was me that they were talking to. That it is never okay to touch a girl with out her permission whether it be to remove a sticker from their hair on the playground or to hold their had or kiss them… Somehow in teaching this, the girls have taken power positions over boys because boys won’t hit them back. It is a real tragedy when the boys come home and talk about the girls bullying them on the playground, kicking them in the Privates, throwing things at them. They feel as though they can’t do anything about it.
    My son came home one day limping because a girl had kicked him so hard in the leg he had a bone bruise. I asked what happened to the girl and he said,”nothing, she just likes me is what the teacher said.” Not so funny and not okay. It is not okay to teach either gender that it is okay to show love or affection with violence and pain. He also pointed out that if it was a boy who kicked him he would have kicked back and defended himself, but since it was a girl he couldn’t anyway.

  57. Thank you, you gave me confidence
    I am 12 and there`s a boy in my class who doesn´t stop touching me at “places”, and even if I tell him to stop, he only laughs and says: o no your going to hit me with your karate right?
    He also used one of my friends to kiss and touch her and he’s keeping on doing that to diferent girls. I always though that i might put this to an end, but there’s no other way than hitting him, because our teachers don’t say anything, and even if they do , he won’t stop. I want to show him that girls aren’t just things that someone can use and than throw away
    And now when i tell this to my other friends they say that he only touches because he wants to get my attention, but you are totally right I am going to out this to an end

    • Maria, you need to tell someone that this is going on. If asking him to stop doesn’t work, you yell, scream or do anything you need to do to get someone’s attention. If you have to be physical to get him to get off of you, especially when there is no one else around then do that. If this boy is in your class, you need to talk to a teacher and let him/her know that this is happening. There is NOTHING acceptable about what this little boy is doing and you have done NOTHING wrong. Do not let your friends tell you that this is his way of showing you that he likes you. When a boy wants to show you that he likes you, he will do NICE things for you, not be a little asshole and force himself upon you. It is a shame that girls are afraid to speak up when someone abuses them because they are told that the boy is just doing it “because he likes you.”

    • Maria, PLEASE…. Talk to your parents and tell your teacher. No one has the right to touch you without your permission. Period. What this boy is doing to you and the other girl is abusive and should be taken very seriously. I used to be a teacher. What I always told my students was this: tell someone you trust. If that person doesn’t do anything or doesn’t act as though he/she believes you, tell someone else. Keep telling until you are listened to. I know it’s scary and uncomfortable to think about getting someone else in trouble. But there are times when your safety is more important than the other person’s feelings. This is most definitely one of those times!

  58. I haven’t read the multiple comments above, but I just found your blog and wanted to say…

    Beyond being incredibly right about teaching your daughter not to stand for any sort of unwanted “attention,” you’re also incredibly funny.

    *slap* I LOVE YOU!
    Brilliant.

  59. I really think many, many, MANY people missed the point of this blog. She’s a mom who’s pissed off because a teacher basically told her daughter it was okay for a little boy to physically assault her (by grabbing her arm) and steal from her (her silly bandz) because he liked her. What. The. Fuck. Does that teacher still have a job? If so, why? And by the way, people, get off your fucking high horses about the cursing already! I curse around my peers, but not around my younger sisters and niece (my sisters under the age of 16 I mean, my niece is 2). I imagine the blogger does the same as she seems like a perfectly normal mom from what I’ve read. Even though I don’t necessarily agree with everything the blogger posts, I can still respect her opinions without trashing her as a person. I am a grown-up. This is how grown-ups work.

    I came to this blog from a friend’s link about the “things never to say to a pregnant woman,” and from there went to her recent posts, and then to “hot topics.” I’m the oldest of eight children (7 girls, one boy, ages 11-26, and yes, my mother is sure to be canonized as soon as she dies for the simple miracle that we’re all still alive), and having seen or experienced much about children in my 26 years, I can relate to much of what the blogger says in various posts.

    As a child, I was back and forth from public school (ps) to home schooling (h) and back again (after the first homeschooling time, the choice was always mine). I don’t remember teasing or such during the early ps years (k-2). In fact, I can vividly remember my first ‘boyfriend’. A boy liked me and I liked him in 2nd grade. Since we had this mutual liking, we didn’t hit or throw things or say nasty things to each other; we held hands whenever possible. Our special thing was in PE: since neither of us liked running, we’d hold hands and walk the 1/4 mile around the field during those classes we were supposed to run it. Interesting, I know, two children around the age of 7 who knew how to express feelings.
    I was home schooled from 3rd grade until the second semester of 5th. (The education standards were lacking, so mom home schooled us starting when I was in 3rd grade. I stopped doing the work in 5th, so she said my choices were do the work or go back to ps. I didn’t do the work.) I was delighted that so many girls I remembered from 2nd grade were still there! However, they were at that catty pubescent age which seems to last from age 9 through 14, even longer for some. Needless to say, they were no longer friendly to me and I was bullied. There was also an ongoing incident with a kid on my bus who tortured me verbally escalating to physical abuse. Because my mom is an AMAZING woman, just as this blogger seems to be, the bus routes got changed (which took my mom going to the superintendent of schools to be heard) and the entire 5th grade female population at my elementary school had a meeting about bullying (due to an amazing teaching staff who helped stand up for me).

    I consider myself a well adjusted woman now, in spite of my early hardships. I can’t wait to have kids of my own so I can be the kind of mom mine was and still is (but will because I know I currently can’t afford to monetarily or emotionally).

      • I think you missed the point…this is an adult person who’s post belies both hypocritical and inappropriate intentions. Worst of all she is setting her daughter up to have a victim mentality. People who don’t have victim mentalities are not bothered by the little things in life… They can move on. Victims let every misstep an proble
        Derail them….and they are a huge fucking pain in the ass to everyone who has taken charge of their lives. This is a woman who needs to work on her abilities and behavior as far as other people go…. And she ought to be teaching her daughter tonlive with confidence. There will always be people who do and say things you don’t like. Her daughter is better served if she knows how to handle it. Not to mention it is HER job to teach her kids how to handle situations NOT anyone else’s.. She ought to be thanking whomever it was who was trying to diffuse the situation…. And set the stage for HER… yes HER to help her daughter understand and process the situation. Just because you can have a baby doesn’t mean you have the maturity or temperament to be a parent.

        • 1) You are the one that missed the point. You think physical aggression should be considered acceptable behavior. You are wrong.
          2) You are a little obsessed with me. If you disagree with my point, move on with your life. No harm, no foul. If a blog post that you disagree with stirs such anger and vitriol within you, you should stop stalking it and, possibly, consider professional help. It’s more than a little creepy.
          3) For fuck’s sake, please learn to spell. Furthermore, research the appropriate use of ellipses. They are not a replacement for every other form of punctuation.
          Kthanxbye

          • Thank you for proving my point about your victim mentality and temperament by replying in such a violent way.

          • You don’t seem to know the definition of “violent” or “victim mentality” either. Add that to your list of homework.
            After that, decide that you are going to act like a normal, rational adult and not continue to patronize a blog written by someone that you so vehemently disagree with. Mmmmkay? It’s really that easy. I come across blogs all the time with a point of view I disagree with. Guess what I do. I just don’t read the blog anymore. I don’t keep returning and make personal attacks against the blogger and/or the blogger’s family. I just go on with my life. It sounds pretty crazy but it works. Give it a shot!

          • Thank you for replying to him. Reading Lee’s reply made me want to punch him in the nuts. And no, people in internet land, I don’t mean that literally. I would never do that in real life, it’s just a saying I use when I’m really angry with someone.

        • Lee,
          I totally agree with you and I believe she did prove your point with her reply, she turned you into a stalker for having a difference of opinion and i find that a riot. I don’t think you were saying violence is ok, it’s not. I believe you were saying that instead of teaching her the victim mentality it would be better to teach her how to deal with the situation and to have confidence enough to not let the bullying work. I love the bullying you got from all the replies from them stating how wrong it is to bully what a riot. I do agree though Violence is always wrong, as is bullying I just think that you are apt to make her subject to more of the same if you teach her to be a victim instead of teaching her how to stand up for herself. But thats just my opinion hopefully that doesn’t make me a stalker and I wont be belittled for my grammar and or spelling.

          • For the record, I didn’t label him a stalker for making one post. He has made MULTIPLE posts on this thread. He has expressed, not only his dissenting opinion (which is fine) but has gone as far as to make character attacks on me, a person he has never met. It is a bit whackadoo.

            What I find high-larious is that people, like you and your little buddy, Lee, think you can read one blog post, regarding one topic, and decide you have my entire character and parenting style pegged. Not to mention, the obvious cognitive dissonance you share, given that you think that teaching children to not accept abusive behavior as affection is teaching a ‘victim mentality’. I suppose you, like Lee, think we should teach our daughters to keep their mouths shut and take it. It is RIDICULOUS to consider that teaching children how to set and respect boundaries as valuable? Yeah, teaching my children to expect and show others respect is sooooo helicopter-ish. *eyeroll*

          • How about all that foul language. Obviously neither of you all are good example to your children. You don’t think bullying is okay, but you think you can fix it right back with actual violence and foul language. What a hoot. Go ahead, turn you kids into bullies in order to ward off other bullies. No wonder there is nothing left but bullies. Lee and Craig, you are both correct. Thank you for expressing your opinion, because for every queenofthecouch and such there are ten of you and me.

          • So Olag… From what I understood, for every one person who points out how messed up it is to feed these messages to children there will be ten people who will jump down their throat and say they’re making kids adopt victim mentality.

            Why does this sound like rape culture?

          • I’ve thought to myself so many times that I could write a follow up/sequel based on the comments alone. You should’ve seen some of the ones I deleted, involving talk of rape against me and/or my daughter. Yeah, but there is no rape culture. I’ve actually written a couple of blogs on rape culture, not related to this post.

  60. I’m so glad someone else on this planet is disturbed by current culture! I’m 14 years old and in secondary school and this boy tried to push me down a busy and blocked staircase. To make matters worse the school building is 300 years old and as a result the steps are very narrow due to people 300 years ago having smaller feet than people of today.
    I almost fell. I hurt my foot and knocked my hip in the process of trying to keep my balance. I was greatly disturbed because not only would I have been hurt but a load of people I would have fallen onto and taken down with me too.
    Anyway I turned round and demanded why he pushed, I then told him he was being an idiot and not to do it again ect.
    He said sorry so I thought ‘Good’ and forgave him and thought it would be the end of it but nooo. He still tries to push me down the stairs and tries to trip me up and throws insults at me (he was throwing insults and tripping me up before the stair incident, one of them being ‘all Canadians should be put down’. I’m not Canadian but my parents are and he knows this. Also he thinks I’m Canadian too because due to speaking problems till I was 10 I didn’t have time to distinguish between my parents’ accents and my birth place’s accent. My accent ended up in a mix between the 2. I’ve told him this but he doesn’t believe me and calls me ‘foreign’ which annoys me).

    Plus he gets away with it! Some teachers think that all these incidents are good things cause it means affection. Pretty strange ways of showing affection!
    Some girls who know him have told me today that he loves me. When I said he doesn’t cause he tried to push me down the stairs they said that he wanted to get my attention and that he openly admitted it to them. They then said that I should go out with him.
    They seemed shocked when I said I don’t want a boyfriend who pushes me down the stairs.

    And people wander why that in this day and age there are still so many abusive relationships?
    We should teach children to show affection in other ways. Never through physical or racial abuse!
    Plus people don’t worry I have told some sensible teachers about the things he’s done and teaching assistants who check up on me to see if I’m getting on ok with things and that my speech is up to scratch. They know about him and if he so much as touches a hair on my head again they will do something about it.

    • I am so impressed that a girl of your age is able to recognize that this is unacceptable behavior and share some wisdom and sanity with you peers that have accepted it as a normal sign of affection.

      I hope that the teachers continue to monitor this and that you might inspire this boy to rethink his methods.

  61. Rather late reading this, but I’d just like to add, when I was a kid, my dad always told me, “If someone hits you, you can hit them back.” If I ever have a daughter, I will tell her the same thing.

  62. It’s strange to me looking back on it, but my mother used to use the “That means he likes you” line. She always found it amusing and adorable, and the more frustrated I got from trying to tell her how, NO, he took my favorite Lisa-Frank pencil and snapped it in front of my face because he knew he’d get away with it and his friends would think it was funny, WELL, if I was getting so flustered and breathless over all this that must mean I liked him back!
    It was actually my dad who always gave me the “The proper way to punch a person in the face is to hold your fist at THIS angle and make sure your knuckles are flat” talk. It wasn’t until I got in trouble a few times for following Dad’s advice that my mother started to get that maybe I was really upset. She still doesn’t get HOW upset, though.
    A young man in one of my University classes traded numbers with me after we had a friendly conversation. Not long after I got home, he called and immediately propositioned me for sex. I told him no several times, he’d apologize for being awkward, then he’d go “But what if we just…”
    It didn’t stop until I finally hung up on him.
    I called my mom, always wanting to here from me, always there to comfort me if I was upset.

    “He must’ve thought you were really CUTE, ooooh!”

    I don’t think it would surprise anyone if I said I slept with the kitchen knife under my pillow that night, would it? It would SHOCK my mother, though, at my OVERREACTION.

    • Wow! I can’t imagine telling my daughter to be flattereed if a man made unwanted sexually aggressive advances to her. That isn’t a man that thought you were sooo cute, that was a man who had no respect for women, obviously.

  63. I’m 18, but if/when I have a daughter, I’ll tell her the exact same thing. It’s one thing if I would pick on girls back when I was 8 because I liked them; choosing ONE girl ALL the time while playing tag is absolutely normal. Anything remotely close to “hitting” or “insulting” CAN’T be seen as a sign of affection. It never is.

  64. Additionally, get it into your head that “only I can make me miserable, nobody else has that power over me”. Make this your mantra, your affirmation, and you will go far , my friends.

  65. You are awesome and wise and amazing and I hope you are a teacher or someone in a position of trust and authority. People need to know how to empower women and others to not be victims. That,I think is the problem in this society. Stop being a victim and stand up for yourself!!

  66. I’ve never had much confidence in myself, so even when I was a little kid I never believed that it meant that he “likes” me. I always thought that, if I’m getting bullied or picked on, it’s because I’m not good enough or pretty enough or cute enough to be treated like the other girls are. In fact, growing up, I always thought that I would never be loved by a boy. Even now, with my boyfriend of two and a half years (who is my first boyfriend anyways, and we are both 17), who is the most gentle, kindest boy I know, I still have little self confidence and have admitted it to his face that I wouldn’t be surprised or hate him if he ever fell in love with someone else, or cheated on me. He insists that he never will, but I still have no confidence in myself whatsoever because I was teased so much. I’m seventeen now, and I’m STILL made fun of at school, by boys and girls alike.
    If I was five and you told me it’s because he “likes” me when I got made fun of, I wouldn’t believe it and just assume that he hates me. I mean, how the hell is teasing a form of showing affection? Unless it’s playful teasing (which my boyfriend does, and so do my other friends, and I do as well), it’s not a form of showing affection. And the way that little boys tease/make fun of/beat up little girls never seemed playful to me.
    That’s why, when I have a child in the future, if it’s a girl, I will tell her that it doesn’t mean that he likes you, but you shouldn’t let it bother you. And if I have a son, I will tell him to fight back, defend himself. I wouldn’t want my future kid/s to grow up feeling like they would never be loved the way I did. No matter how many people told me that it’s just a boys way of showing affection, it never felt that way, it always felt like the opposite. It’s not cool, and it should be dealt with. It’s stupid that the anti-bullying seminars that I’ve always had to go to at school show boys bullying boys and girls bullying girls, but never mixed up. Bullying is bullying. Bullying is NOT affection.

  67. I understand your anger towards this and support you but I would like to open your eyes a little for it’s not only girls that this is happening to, when I was younger, I was always told if a girl hit me it meant she liked me. I grew up thinking for a long time that being sacked by a girl meant she liked me a lot and one day I decided to show my effection to a girl the way I thought was right, boy was I wrong. I’m not saying didn’t deserve the punishment that came afterwards and I’m not saying I’m proud of my actions, but parents really need to think of how they raise their children, both male and female. Both sides need to learn hitting is not a proper way of showing effection, but people also need to know that this stuff doesn’t just happen to one side. When a boy hit me, I was told kick hs fucking ass, when a girl hit me, I was told it meant she liked me, but the moment I hit a girl believing it to be the right way to show effection, I was lectured, I was scolded, I was grounded and I was punished afew other ways by her big brother. I haven’t hit a female since, atleast not like I did then, now at most I’ll do a playful flick or a light tap, or in the case with my aunt-in-law a full out slapping war yet all in good fun, we both enjoy it, we’re both having fun and yes we’re both getting hurt. Anyways stopping myself from trailing off too far, it’s not just girls being told “it’s because he likes you” boys are also being told this. I’m not trying to make boys sound like they are less to blame, I’m just trying to say that it does happen on both sides.

    I’m no parent being only 19 but even I wouldn’t raise my child to believe that physcal and/or verbal abuse is a sign of effection.

  68. I don’t think teachers and parents should deflect bullying behaviour as “s/he likes you so put up with it”. But I also wouldn’t be reading too far into this behaviour conditioning my kids to become victims of physically/emotionally abusive relationships later on in life. I got hit and teased plenty as a kid and you know what my mother told me? Hit them back. She always said that if another kid started something she supported us defending ourselves as long as it wasn’t excessive and that we didn’t go looking for it. I’ll be telling my daughters and sons the same thing.
    Frankly I don’t give a damn if you swear in your blogs or not, I don’t think it makes you any less of a reasonable person or your opinion or concerns any less valid. I swear like a sailor around my friends but never around children. Some of the people over reacting and using your language as an excuse to criticise you need to remember that, there are plenty of things adults do and say that we keep away from kids. If you do swear around your kids then that’s your choice and while I wouldn’t agree with it I would never say you’re a bad parent/terrible person for doing it. It also doesn’t seem like this blog is aimed at children, if you want to show it to your kids then edit it, don’t whine about it not being child appropriate.

    One last thing: Not wanting your daughters/sisters/friends to put up with being hit/teased/unhappy does not make you a damned feminist. It makes you a concerned parent/sibling/friend.

  69. Reblogged this on Not A Teen Anymore and commented:
    This is want brought me to this site, so I’m going to let it be my first reblog. I love this article. It has a great message and it hits very close to home for me personally. I went through bullying and teasing as a child, and was fed the crap that she talks about was fed to her child. It’s a horrible thing to go through, and it drives me absolutely nuts that people are teaching our children that this behavior is ok and acceptable…anyways read the actual blog post to see what I’m talking about. Have fun!

  70. I think this should go for ALL forms of bullying. I’m a guy and I used to be bullied. When I have sons and daughters of my own, I never intend to feed them the whole “It’s because he has a crush on you” bullcrap. I’m going to tell them to turn around and kick that rat bastard straight in the face, before striking twice across the temples so he knows never to pull that sort of shit ever again

  71. QOTC and many respondents must have had some very poor experiences because much of what I read here seems quite two dimensional.
    In my understanding, very young children are actively learning. They imitate the behaviours the see around them, including violence, intolerance and arrogance, as well as love, mediation and encouragement. However, many young children lack social skills. Thus, a boy who likes a girl might find it difficult to start a conversation, explore areas of common interest or pass a compliment. Instead, he might do something to attract her attention or even go so far as to pester, tease or even hit the girl. That’s not right, but it might help to explain things.
    Identifying the possible causes of such behaviour does not condone it, but it might help parents and the children to come to terms with the underlying issues and explore constructive ways to resolve them, without resorting to confrontation.
    I hope this makes sense and that things will calm down for you and your daughter.

    • So the tease, hit, and do other hings the the victim will consider to be annoying. Gee how stellar for that boy to know such a great way to attract a girl’s attention by abusing them, whether it’s verbally or physically. That’ll definitely get the girl of his dreams to kiss him alright…Oh did I mention I was being sarcastic? Also it might help explain things? Cut the crap. The boy doesn’t know how to communicate that he likes her, so he teases her. He sees she’s disturbed and uncomfortable with it, which is a clear sign to stop, and yet he doesn’t. It’s one thing to try it once, but to continue it’s not. clearly the other person doesn’t like it, yet you say it’s okay for them to continue? Even when I was 5 and 6 I wasn’t that stupid. Also the people around me that age clearly knew that it bothered people to tease. Are you HIGH?! to actually THINK that they will stay ignorant for the rest of their lives. People learn through experience and what they see around them, yes. So they try to hit or tease the person they like, that obviously comes from seeing it happen, or they at least think that’s what you do. However, here’s’ the experiencing part. They clearly seeing it is in effective, oh I know!” This means she/he doesn’t like it. I should stop!” However, after that they don’t. Clearly that means it’s not because they like her. They may start off ignorant, but that doesn’t mean they stay that way.

      Also more on topic: It’s not okay to teach the child the “Oh that means they like you,” message, that’s what this topic was about. Imagine if they took it seriously. This is what would happen and quite possibly the worst case scenario:

      *Victim comes home. Mom and dad see her bruise.*
      Mom: What is that?! Honey who did this to you?
      Daughter/Son: Oh nothing, it’s just something that someone did to me to show they love me.
      Mom: Are you sure they’re not just picking on you because they don’t like you?
      Kid: Yes I’m sure mommy. Even the guidance counselor (how ironic that name is in this situation) says that” That just means the like you.”
      Mom: Ummmm….Okay if you say so, but don’t let it happen again. Now go do your homework.
      *Day 2 of bullying.*
      *Kid comes home.*
      Mom: Oh my! What happened?!
      Kid: Oh it’s nothing. The boy just pushed me and I accidentalyl slammed into the locker. The principal said it’s a “Love Tap,” and also ” That means he likes you.” He must really like me if he’s gotten more aggressive.
      Mom: Nonsense! I’m going to go talk to the principal and guidance counselor at once!
      Kid: Mommy no! If you do that he won’t love me anymore. I’m sure they’re right, after all you told me teachers and guidance counselors do things to help.
      Mom: But this is too much! First thing tomorrow I’m going!
      *Next Day at school.*
      Mom: I think you’ve been poisoning my child long enough!
      Principal: Miss *insert family name here,* we are-*interrupted with someone screaming out in the halls.*
      * They go outside.*
      Principal: What’s going on?!
      A Kid: *Bully’s name,* was picking on *victim’s name* again today, instead this time instead punching or pushing he/she slammed *victim’s name* in the wall and now…now…
      *They look at hte sight of the victim’s blood on the floor. The victim’s head had cracked open against the corner of the wall, since the slam was forceful, and not the least bit light.*
      Mom: No! My baby! Don’t just stand there! Call the ambulance!
      Principal: Oh right!

      if they actually accept that them teasing and hitting them is love, then surely they’ll think that being more agressive about it will be an even great way of showing affeciton. That is not the case. The fact that they want to hurt you means they don’t love you, because if you love someone you don’t want to hurt them in anyway, shape, or form. It’s just plain wrong, period!

      Also about hte wall thing and bleeding, completely possible. I once got the area between my eyebrow and eyes split open because I ran into a wooden helf that had my legos at Chinese Sunday Classroom. I woke up after a few seconds seeing tons of blood coming from my head. I had to get lots of stitches for it. So being slammed against a wall, which I know for sure won’t be made of wood, but something harder, and it being rather forceful, yeah that’ll hurt and most likley result in bleeding. It’s not hte same as being slamemd against a locker. you might bleed only a little it from the locker, and that because behind the metal is nothing but speace. However, a wall it’s a lot harder and I would bet 100 USD that it’s not empty behind it. Remember people hurting people is just plain wrong, it won’t help attract positive attention for that girl you like. Also it’s not acceptable to teach them it is.

  72. Well once, when I was in kindergarden there was one boy who was harrasing me and it was just anoying so i bit him in hes cheek. It may seemed as if I was going to kiss him and boys who were around went ohhh, but he had a red imprint of my teeth on his right cheek for weeks after that incident. Well back then I knew that what I did wasn’t the best thing I could do in that situation, but still better then being quiet about it. And now it’s just funny story. Also, I feel kind of sorry for him.

  73. Ohhh no.. Really?
    I spent about an hour writing a comment, and then when I clicked post, WordPress insisted I log in.. Wompf! It isn’t here!

    Ah well, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be! x’D

    I basically said I also disagree with the way children are told to act certain ways because of their gender, and that I think it’s closed-minded and encourages closed-minded children in terms of gender – acknowledging of course that messages about gender are all around us, they’re a part of our culture and identity and to a degree are unavoidable. But as a parent, I would endeavour to treat my daughters and sons the same way. My greatest fear being that they’d be bullied, as from personal experience I know that children that don’t fit into their gender stereotype are singled out and picked out.
    I said that children aren’t angels. I’m young enough to remember being a child well, and even though I often acted on impulse, I knew when I was doing something wrong. Children shouldn’t be given the excuse of ignorance, they aren’t stupid, give them more credit than that. If they truly don’t know better, teach them so they do.
    Aaand I said that not knowing how to communicate feelings isn’t an excuse for abuse. Ever. You wouldn’t be able to use that excuse in court as an adult, so don’t allow your children to use it.

    OH and I told all these people posting aggressive comments to piss off and make a cup of tea.

    Yup, TAKE TWO! :)

    • If I had an award for comments, I would give you one because you posted twice! I have had some KEY-RAY-ZEE comments, including threats against me and my kids so I have to approve your 1st comment on the blog.
      I am going to start passing out tea!!

  74. Wowee, some of these replies are really disturbing. The author is completely entitled to voice her opinion, and so are the repliers, but if this topic makes you so angry that you feel the need to post an aggressive or cruel comment… maybe you should just close this window and make a nice cup of tea.

    Now I’ve never been fed that crap about boy crushes, and I’ve never been truly harrassed but a male classmate – I was raised a tomboy and gave as good as I got and I think that was respected by my male peers (not so much my female ones). Nor am I a mother, so I can’t really relate in that sense.
    But what I take from this is that there’s often a stark difference in the way that young boys and young girls are taught to deal with life, and in my opinion, this isn’t on. I’ve noticed this too when, for example, a child falls over and scrapes their knee and is upset by it. Little boys are told that it’s ok, they’re big boys they can cope. And little girls are picked up and fussed over and kissed better. As a tiny toddler I doubt it really matters, but as a 5 or 6 year old, they start to pick up on this stuff as they learn about how to cope with different situations.. And it’s just the beginning of forging the gap between genders.
    To me, a woman who turns around and speaks her mind is to be more respected than one who let’s it slide because of some twisted sense that it’s her fault. And a man who settles his arguments with words is a better man than one who does it with his fists.
    Obviously these gender differentiations will always exist in society, they’re a part of our culture and identity. There will always be situations that one gender deals with more than the other.
    But to me, as a parent, I’ll treat my daughters and sons the same, and not impress on them that they should behave a certain way just because they have different bits.
    My greatest fear is that they’ll be bullied by their peers, for not being their gender stereotype – because of other parents teaching their kids that boys are this way and girls are that way.

    And for the record, children are not angels. For as far as I remember, which is about 5, I knew exactly what I was doing. I did a lot of bad, naughty things without thinking or because I couldn’t resist temptation, but I knew damn well what I was doing was wrong. And I got punished and I didn’t do it again. So don’t give children the excuse of ignorance, give them more credit than that, they aren’t stupid. And instead teach them how to learn from their mistakes and be healthy people.
    Besides which, abuse is never an excuse for ‘not knowing how to communicate’. You can’t use that excuse in court. “I beat my girlfriend up because I couldn’t find a way to tell her that her partying makes me feel insanely insecure”
    Yeah right!

    Thanks for making me take some time out to think about this stuff
    Take care :)

  75. Amazing article. I completely agree. I was teased, taunted, pushed around, made fun of, be-littled, harrassed, tormented and pretty much TORCHERED in elementry school. The teachers did NOTHING even though they knew I struggled with emotional and mental issues. My parents had told the school of my problems, and to inform them if anything was going on. Everyday I would cry my eyes out and wish I didn’t exists because so many people were teasing me. And guess were it all started…yep…one boy. One boy got the entire school, no joke, the entire school except for a couple of kids to bully me and put me down every chance they got. I was in first, second, third, fourth great and wished I would just get hit by a damn car. Teachers either said it had to be MY fault in some way, even though they saw the other kids starting it, or that this little s***head must have liked me.

    Bull!

    I’m so glad you wrote this because I’m going to be just this when I have kids. If someone feeds my future kids that crap I’m going to be so far beyond pissed the school will have to expell ME. The crap they feed kids not only these days but back when I was in school is no less then idiotic and down right sick. There’s no need for our girls AND our boys to learn that behavior like this is ok. It’s not ok, at any level or age. I don’t care who says what, this has GOT to stop! I’m wish you! If they feed that to my future child in front of me I’m going to slap them and yell I love you! It just seems to fit the reality bill so very well.

    • Um…Wow…In your case it got really out of hand. Seriously there must have been seriously messed up with that school. What I think, The teachers are lazy and don’t want to deal with angry parents, because if they yell at kid for picking on you, or even give them a firm scolding, they would like the bad guy. A lot of teachers are too egotistical to do the right thing. They don’t want their reputation ruined because they did the right thing, and then the parent of the person bullying you comes in and starts waving their fists and threatening them for lecturing their child. So they think just saying,” It’s your own fault some how,” or ” The boy just likes you,” is their sorry ass excuse. Seriously they think you’re just a kid and stupid enough to accept that fact. Well the irony favors them because it just proves they’re the real stupid ones, since kids are more aware about things than some people give them credit for.

      If it makes you feel better at least you had a better way of dealing with it in my opinion, since crying does help…Me well…Let’s just say it costs me lots of money to replace so many pencils I broke with one hand each month. Also you didn’t bottle it up and then let it explode like I did.(Alk was known for holding it in for a while and then exploding suddenly when he couldn’t take it anymore….Which resulted with him usually slamming his fist on the table and yelling out loud to “Shut the Hell Up!” or him picking up his desk and ready to throw it at the person that continued to pick on him because the teacher didn’t do anything about the bully.) Thankfully they didn’t give me the “Oh he just likes you” excuse, because then I would be worried and as to teacher’s sexual preferences.*Shivers thinking about it.*

      Anyways! You’re not alone in this world about being picked on and stuff, and I’m sure with a good evil eye glare they’ll keep away from your future children.

      • Thanks for the reply. Means a lot to know people read what others say around here. There are a lot of places that will just ignore what everyone else is saying. Seems like QotC reads the comments to, which is a big huge thumbs-up plus in my opinion! I love that. Anyways back to your comment Alk…

        Yeah I’m pretty sure there was something seriously wrong with that school and it’s teachers. There was only one or two teachers there that were decent and caring enough to know that what was going on wasn’t my fault and I needed help. I’m so glad that I didn’t have to go through that a 5th year (that’s gets explained later). I’m sorry you also had to go through the stuff you did, I almost wish I had the guts you did to throw things at people. Maybe it would have made them finally leave me alone. It was out of hand and down right just hell for me.

        I sometimes wish I would have had the nerve and the angry to just slap them across the face, but when your told so many times your pretty much worthless and that it’s your fault somehow, you try your best to just stay quiet and out of sight. Which by the way, just ignoring the bullies, doesn’t work. It didn’t for me and I’ve never met someone who it DID work for.

        Honestly I completely see where QotC is coming from and don’t understand why (after reading so many comments) that people are so upset by her language or how she reacted to what happened. It’s a completely acceptable responce to someone basicly teaching your child that being treated that way is ok. It’s not ok! By telling someone that they are treating you that way because they like you, you are teaching them to accept the behavior that someone being hurtful is normal and that it’s something to do with you. I mean come on, since when is pushing someone and RIPPING something off of their arm a sign of affection?

        If I ever find out that any of my future children were to treat someone that way and a teacher let them get away with it, I would quickly give the teacher a good talking to as to why exactly they let my child act that way. I’d then give my child a proper spanking, a timeout to think about what they did, and then explain to them how to ACTUALLY treat people.

        And to anyone who just gasped and is appalled at the thought that I’m ok with spanking…oooo yes I’m ok with spanking but against kids harrassing and hurting each other oooo. I grew up being spanked for punishment. I didn’t get spanked a lot though, only a couple times that I can remember. Want to know why? Because I was taught better then to be a little brat. I knew right and wrong not only from personal experience with bullies, but because my parents had the amazing talent and life experience to teach me what right and wrong was, rather then sugercoat things. They were my parents way before they were my friends, and I thank them for that.

        I know and understand that kids can be brats and that they hit each other when they get upset when their 5-YEARS-OLD! When they hit around the age group of 7 to 9, they know better. They at least SHOULD know better. If they don’t either that child has not been socialized very well or their parents need a good damn talking to. Again, I understand that some kids don’t always go the way that they should based on their up-bringing…but even so we shouldn’t make excuses for them. Especially not their teachers and parents! If an adult sees a kid is doing something wrong, they need to say something and DO something about it.

        The idea that the phrase “It’s because he likes you!” or “What did you do to deserve that?” or any variation of the two being acceptable in our homes, day-cares and schools is horrifying to me. It scares me for my future children because the last thing I want is for them to go through what I did. I never want them to have to experience the feeling of worthlessness or want them to think they have to possibly result to taking their own life to escape from the torment and torcher.

        This isn’t just about sucking it up as a parents or being to protective. This isn’t about little 4- or 5-year-old being normal bratty little kids. This is about teaching our kids that this behavior is acceptable. Even if they aren’t meaning to, their still doing it. Their teaching our girls and boys that it’s ok to mix harming someone (emotionally, mentally and/or physcially) with showing affection. News flash, I don’t care what your stance is on spanking or where you think the line is between bullying and ‘harmless poking-fun’. This isn’t about that. This is about teaching our kids at a young age that it’s ok. What happens when you learn as a kid that things are ok? You get comfortable with it. You get use to it and you start to do it MORE.

        Take driving a car for example…odd example I know but it’s the best I can come up with. When your a kid you watch your parents do it. At first when your really little, it’s amazing, scary and/or new. As you get a little older, it becomes normal. It’s a car, it takes you places and it’s normal because mommy, daddy and other people do it. You get older, what do you want to do? Learn to drive so you can go places and be normal like other people. You take lessons and learn to drive. What do you do then? You drive around more and more until it’s second nature and your doing it every day without even thinking that driving yourself is odd.

        Driving a car and learning that hurting someone may seem like two totally different things, but if you look past the odd comparison, you’ll see that it really does fit…because if your parents are aggressive drivers just guess what happens. If they speed up to beat red-lights and curse and scream when someone ‘won’t get out of the way’ or ‘cut them off’ what are you more likely to do as an adult? Speed, run red-lights and curse and scream at ‘stupid idiots’ on the road.

        Kids learn that harrasment and bullying it ok by those little things they take note of and see. Kids are far more aware of things then people give credit for, as you said Alk. They know when their getting away with something and they start to LEARN they can get away with it and they learn that it’s OK. While the person that’s receiving the harrasment is starting to feel like their doing something wrong in reporting it or that their weird for not thinking it’s ok, so they start to just accept and allow it to happen even though it’s killing them inside.

        I know after awhile I stopped telling my parents about what was happening at school because I just felt like no one would help me even if I begged them too. I was on my last rope and it took a drastic measure for my parents to finally know, understand and LEARN the complete and total truth. I didn’t go hurting myself, before you jump to that thought. No instead I ran away from my school. Yep…middle of recess I just turned and bolted as fast as I could to a gap in the gate. I was so sick of being there I ran. I got caught a little ways from the school, didn’t get far, but this is what I was pushed to because of ‘kids being kids’.

        We need to teach our kids to respect themeselves AND each other! Learn to give respect to others, expect repsect from others, and give respect to yourself. If I ever had to go through the day, which I’m sure I will, when my child comes to me saying they were harrassed, teased or harmed at school by another classmate, I will sit them down and have a talk to them about how proud I am for them telling me about what happened and that I’m so glad they know it’s not ok. I will then continue to explain that it’s wrong behavior and that if it happens again to tell a teacher, and if the teacher doesn’t do anything to tell me. I will then, if it comes to it, have a talk with not only the teacher but the parents of the child that is harming my child as well.

        Of course if I ever find MY child being the ‘attacker’ you can rest assured that they will learn that it’s inappropriate behavior and I will call the parents or meet up with them and not only personally appologize for my child’s behavior, but have my child appologize to the kid they were harrassing.

        I appologize for ranting so much, but something in me kind of just exploded as I started to write…^^’ I know I must have gotten off-topic somewhere in there, but this is just a huge subject for me. I’ve been told to let go of the past, and I have for the most part. I’ve moved on and it doesn’t hold me back. Though when I think about it I can’t help but get fired up. I know others out there had it much worse then me, I’ve even read a story or two in the comments here that I know were worse then me and I give them my best wishes and am so sorry for what they went through. For me though, at the time, my life was absolute hell and I can’t stand to think that a child is being taught that treatment is ok, on any level.

        I wish the absolute best of luck QotC to you and your daughter and fully support not only your opinion and your right to that opinion, but your language as well.

        Because some times it’s just fucking needed. ;)

        Also Alk I’m told I can get a really mean looking evil eye when I’m pissed XD

        • I have been shocked and saddened by those that have shared their personal experiences with bullying and how their cries for help were dismissed. Thanks for sharing yours and reinforcing my point.

          • Thank you so much for sharing your daughters experience with us. So many people want to be hush-hush about the subject, but I’m so happy you decided not to be. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and respond to it. It really means a lot for a mom to be speaking out against this when her daughter doesn’t have the strength yet to do it herself. It was my pleasure to lend a voice in helping reinforce a point that needs to be spoken loud and clear.

          • Your point doesn’t need reinforcing, because it’s pretty much fortified very well. It’s like a giant ass fortress. Our stories are just messengers, sending your point across to other people who are pretty much too ignorant to read and get the point of your post….Except for the fact that our stories don’t just send it to them like in the mail, it more like going face-to-face with the person and slapping the information into their thick skull, since there’s no other way to do it.

  76. Amen to this!! When I was little, I got the SAME reactions from teachers. It pissed my mother off to no end. Well, I took matters in my own hands once. I got fed up with it and I was not convinced what-so-ever that this particular boy liked me and even if he did I certainly didn’t want to put up with it any longer. So on the playground when he was harassing me, I ran my head full force into the boy of which made him cry. It resulted in counseling between me, a moderator and the boy and things got resolved. The KEY is getting this kind of system to work without it needing a drastic measure first (me head-butting the boy for example).

  77. Okay….wow………..Sorry It’s just….The scroll bar is so long. I was wondering why and I looked at the top, it says like 1,454 replies/comments…Dang……..
    *Alk’s head explodes. Vaelia cleans it up, and then version 2 of Alkaizer87 is brought to life. (This is a bit of an inside joke in one of the webcomics I post at.*

    Anyways, jokes aside…and I doubt anybody would get that anyways, Just wow. So much hostility thrown back and forth. I seriously don’t know what to say after reading this. I just naturally suck things up, or more accurately ‘absorb’ things…or I used to anyways. What does this have to do with what I’ll post? Well picture me as a sponge. I take in all P.O.V.s…I suck at spelling by the way, so please to don’t jump on me for grammar and stuff like that. Since I’m a sponge I just don’t put it in my head I also take it to consideration.

    Okay first of all before anyone criticizes my post, take into consideration of this:1) I am not used to so many overwhelming posts. So while reading like what? I think that would be like 1/30th of all the comments I was like,” Don’t eat me!”2) I am 24 years old and currently in a Chinese speaking language college…IF you’re all curious I’m in Taiwan…Also yes I couldn’t careless about giving out this information. It’s not like anyone is going to pay like a few hundred USD to fly over here and hire someone to figure out where I live and stalk me.3) I’m sure this won’t be of importance, but I’m Half Chinese and Half European by blood.4) I’m typing all of this at like what? Around 2:30 AM…Yeah I have too much homework, and I originally found this from someone that linked it form their webcomic….did I already say that?5) I’m guy, and I’ve never had this ‘opposite sex’ abusing me thing, only bullying from…well from the middle school bully who happens to be a guy…though this sort of thing usually stopped after giving a good scare…Don’t ask, because I would rather not tell what I had to do to get the bully off of my back, though you should know that I didn’t physically harm anyone.6) Any perverted comments I make in the future on this post, and it offends you I apologize . I usually use this MEGApervert stuff as a means of getting people to lighten up a little, make them laugh. Laughter is always good, one of the best medicines in the world.7) If you hate my comments and want to flame me then go ahead! Bring it on! I’ll take it! Let out all that frustration. Lay it on thick! Words from strangers don’t hurt me! Being a MEGApervert has it advantages! Unlimited lives! Also-*Vaelia kills Alk again. Version 3 comes to life.*

    Vaelia: Get on with it already, or would you like another slashing from my Ji.
    Alk:…..Okay moving on.

    Okay this time seriously all joking are gone. First of all OMG!*looks at top right corner of the blog.* Oh so beautiful! I would love to post on a beauty’s blog. Your point is really strong in my opinion. Some may see you as the “Overprotective and don’t want them to learn to deal with themselves,” type, but I say that’s just because they’re looking at it wrong. Overprotective? No? Le Gasp! How can he not see it that way? Because she’s not literally taking out a shotgun and forcing it down the kids throat and saying,” Leave my daughter alone punk, or else.( Insert menacing eye piercing, and cold freezing glare in here.)” Seriously people you can’t blame her for wanting to say some things. We’re all protective of our children. Aside from the lowest scum of the universe, who wouldn’t be?…Well I don’t have any children…and that’s because I don’t even have a a girlfriend…Which is because I’m too shy to ask one out….Orz TT_TT…Sorry just feel so sad knowing I might never get one….Moving on.

    Also about ‘…letting your child deal with it,” Please, they are dealing with it, they’re telling their moms, dads, principals, and all that. That is dealing with it, but you forget to think that they need support. That’s where the protective parent comes in. You preach about dealing with it, as if they can just suddenly level up like in a video game, and push back enough for the other person to stop picking on them. These are children being picked on, usually by someone who is stronger,( since naturally bullies pick on people that think is weaker,) and so naturally some will be frightened.” Well my kid wouldn’t be a sissy like that!” Well good for your kid, but the point is we’re talking about children who won’t fight back, for whatever reason.

    If a girl started picking on me around at that age I wouldn’t fight back too. At an early age I was told never to hit girls. I wasn’t taught this because ‘girls’ are weaker. Quite the opposite, I personally think that a lot of females are stronger than me, and they may or may not know it….Okay getting a bit side track. I think what she means with her post is, sending the message that ‘Oh, she/he is doing that because they have a crush on you,’ is very bad. That it’s not right for people who are seen as ‘educated’ people, since they’re teachers, to teach this sort of message to our children. She isn’t saying ‘Oh it only happens to girls,” she is just using her daughter as an example. She’s not sexist, or at least I don’t think she is. She is respectively voicing her opinion about her view on people feeding this,” It’s acceptable to teach kids that ‘ oh he/she just likes you,’ ” stuff to kids. I don’t see what’s wrong if she uses profanity, because the way I see it is that she’s just using it to emphasize on her point. It’s not like she loves cussing. As many before me have said,” It’s gets the point across!”

    ……………………Sorry I sort of forgot what I was going to say next…I guess that’s what happens when you’re staying up until like 3:10 am and haven’t even eaten anything ever since like 10:30 pm…I know I really should stop procrastinating, but old habits are hard to break. I can see my military future now!” GO FASTER YOU MAGGOT!” “HOW THE HELL DID YOU EVEN QUALIFY FOR THE MILITARY?!”……Yes! Go Ahead and laugh at me! Let it all out! If you like laughing at my laziness the by all means please do so if it make you feel better.

    Okay now I remember! I was going to quote about Confucius. Note: For those of you who view Confucianism as a religion. STOP THAT!……Okay….I need to clam down….breath in, breath out….ah….Confucianism is about Confucius’s teaching, which is a philosophy, a way of life. Anyways, moving on. Confucius once said,” To help someone else become established, you yourself becomes established as well.” This is a translated quote from “100 Sayings of Confucius”. As many have said before, we must educate the boys and girls that it is wrong to hit the person you like, if that is they’re doing it because they like them. If that’s not the case…well yeah, just tell them it’s just plain wrong. If you have to tell them,” Every time you tease and abuse that girl/boy you like then that’s one less gift from Santa Claus when comes Christmas time.” Also if they don’t believe in Santa…Well I don’t know.

    But yeah…It’s already getting read to be 3:30 and *Yawns* I’m getting tired. Well it’s been fun people,reading those so colorfully languaged replies, throwing criticism here and their. In the end I laugh at the with the people who would call me ignorant, or an idiot, because it’s all a matter of opinion and not fact…..Wait…it’s almost 3:30 AM?! Crud!! I have to go to my game sites and do the daily routine! BYE! *Yes Alk does love video games and webcomics, and so what? Slash! Another Alk killed for even posting that….LAUGH PEOPLE! I know you want to laugh at his stupidity!*

    • I gave up on trying to explain my point somewhere around 867 comments. People either get it or they don’t. It is always refreshing to find someone that falls into the former category, though, and differentiates between literal and figurative statements. Thanks for reading and commenting!

      • *Goes into clueless manga chibi mode.* あら?!なに? I’m not sure how to respond to this? Did I misinterpret the message? Or are you saying it’s pretty much useless to try to teach them the message? ごめんさい! I’m not good at this. Also ありがとうございます! I like this post very much, since I would pretty much do the same. While I may be the one wrong for slapping the teacher or principal for teaching my future child that. It gets the point across. Also if my kids get expelled because the teacher/principal does like a reality slap, well then that school surely doesn’t deserve to help educate my future children, since they’re dumb enough to feed that crap to my kids. Seriously a school being ran by someone like that is bound to have a lot of issues. Can someone say future Columbine (Did I spell that right?) like incident? Because it sure as hell how those kind of incidents start. 1) The student gets picked on.2) No one helps them.3) If they’re vengeful spirits, then the shit will surely hit the fan, and then things start to get real….Sorry for cussing, but I think that saying best gets the point across. so yeah, I’m not going to have my kids at a school like that.

        • Oops….It seems that the horizontal V’s don’t show up on here. Well the Japanese parts say (Arah?!),(What?), (Sorry!),(Thank you! *In a polite way.*)

  78. I remember as a little kid being bullied quite a bit, and whenever I spoke to an adult this is exactly what I was told… I must have been quite smart though because I always thought to myself: “Dad kisses… He’s a boy… How does hitting mean they like me?” But it was always the same thing… I never want to being my kid up thinking its okay to hit or be hit in a relationship.

  79. I hadn’t really thought of this too much before either, but you are right. It IS bullshit. And to those of you who are criticizing, saying, “Little boys don’t know any better.” BULLSHIT! If they don’t know THE PARENTS damn well better INFORM them of appropriate respectful interactions. Period. To NOT do that is to set up YOUR SON for failure or, at least, a skewed view of gender relations. EVERY CHILD has the RIGHT to PHYSICAL INTEGRITY.

    • I physically assaulted many boys and girls as a kid and got assaulted as much as well. This didn’t turn me into a dangerous sociopath nor into an insecure lackwit.

      Damn right there’s a point when you have to tell your kids how to behave, I respect that. But interclass pauses before the age of like 8 or 9 are something of a special world to them where a lot of the child mentality (or whatever you call it) is build up through trials, failures, success, mimicking, etc. I fear dwelling into it too much could cause more harm than good.

      Seeing it on the catharsis point of view, do you find it really possible for a kid (and each of them has like 100 times your energy, I’m sure you know what I mean) to behave at home AND at school?

      There a time they gotta let the steam off, and putting your nose in their court is something I’m afraid of, so to speak :-).

  80. Nice job mixing “telling your children false things” and “misunderstanding child behaviour” here.

    I agree you should not tell your kid (yeah, why has it to be your daughter? bullshit feminism being just as sexist as the worst guys in here) “that’s because they like you”.

    But that doesn’t mean you should do something about it if it’s kindergarten. Children at this age aren’t even aware of cruelty, they’re just reproducing default behaviour they see around them, and if you ask a kid why he hurt another one, he’ll just start to cry because HE HAS NO FUCKING CLUE.

    So leave the goddamn kids alone with their life experience, since it doesn’t imply you telling them bullshit (that’s the only thing I agree with you in your post).

  81. I find it incredibly ironic that you talk of violence, at the same time expressing your dislike of bullying. I get the point, though. If I went up to someone and punched them in the face to express affection, they’d have all rights to punch me right in the vagina to say “hello” the next day. However, most little boys who do the more mundane teasing, you know, the “no, I don’t want to play with you, you have cooties!” or the occasional game of keep away are actually just trying to figure out a way to express feelings. Actually, if you paid attention, you’ll notice girls do the exact same thing. We just usually don’t pay attention to it, or want to pay attention to it.

    When I was younger, I had a very hard time expressing my feelings. I was rough with my friends, for the simple fact that I felt weird giving hugs to all my boy friends, but at the same time wanted to pay all the attention I could to them. We’d often tease the crap out of each other back then, as we do now. Some of these boys I’ve now been friends with for about ten years now. These same boys have grown up now and have learned much better ways of dealing with emotions, as have I.

    Growing up and learning to deal with your feelings is a hard thing for either gender. However, telling everyone that its more or less okay to act out and be cruel is very much NOT okay. At some point, you sit your kids down and you tell them that hitting, teasing, keep away, and generally being unkind isn’t how you deal with feelings, and urge them to try to communicate using more positive things. Hell, try actually talking to the classmate you want to play with, instead of just playing keep away. Instead of focusing all on the boys, why don’t we just try to teach all children that bullying of any kind is not okay. Lets not just jump down little boys throats and act like they are the only problem. Girls can be mean too, and really, its the adults who let kids act out aggressively that might need a little retraining.

    That is just my two cents, though!

  82. I just came across this blog post, and I have to say, I agree wholeheartedly with everything you’ve said. I had never thought about it like that before. Not only are we teaching girls that hurting someone is okay if you “like” them, but we’re teaching them that no one is going to do anything about it. If a girl’s complaint about a boy hurting her is constantly met with, “He just likes you,” she is going to stop telling people. One of the biggest reasons children don’t report bullying is because they’re afraid nothing is going to be done about it. This gives a terrible message to the boys, too. They’re basically being told they won’t get in trouble for hurting a girl.
    We need to teach our girls to tell their teachers (or anyone else who says it) that it doesn’t matter if the boy likes her, she wants him to stop hurting her. We also need to teach our boys that hurting someone he likes is not okay.
    Also, it’s a little distressing that some folks out there would call people idiots for not wanting their daughters to accept being bullied. They seem to be missing the sarcasm.

  83. I’m a high school student and I still deal with this problem. It’s not a problem of the boys not knowing how to show their affection, it’s a problem of them not being told or shown how to show affection properly.
    I agree with the author, this is complete BS and needs to stop

  84. I really love this article it really brings a competent view on this type of situation :l When I moved to the town I live in currently in 5th grade I would get bullied by a bunch of boys on my bus especially this one boy named Patrick >.> I told my parents and all they said was he probably just likes you well even after they said that I was still bothered by how he’d bully me and how no one would help me except this one girl I was friends with who was in kindergarten and she knew that the whole that just means they like you is total crap :l eventually the bullying lessened when I was walking home from my stop one day and my dad had come out to deal with Patrick and the other boys eventually I learned that Patrick was just an asshole to everyone so he became that little prick who no one likes in my opinion xD

  85. So many of the people on here, especially the author, are idiots.
    At a young age boys don’t understand their feelings, they just know they feel like paying more attention to whatever little girl they’re crushing on and they act out because they don’t know how else to act towards that person. At that age girls have cooties and they don’t want to hang out with them so the excess attention results in pulling of hair and teasing and such. Yes the children should be taught that it isn’t acceptable but they shouldn’t be called assholes or treated as violent or mean, they just don’t yet understand and they ned to be taught. Anyone who thinks that they are troublemakers or that they are doing it because they like abusing girls is an absolute moron and should really think before they speak in such a way.

    • At 5 or 6 it’s understandable in my opinion. 10 is more than a little old for the “it’s because he likes you” line of reasoning to hold any water whatsoever. At that point a child knows (or bloody well SHOULD know) what’s acceptable behavior and what isn’t. You know what was drilled into my head WELL before I was 10?

      Don’t. Hit. Girls.

      And as someone who was a military child at 10 (read: moved around a lot) I know very well that kids that age are perfectly capable of being complete assholes. Guess what? There were always a handful of people who loved to “pick on the new kid.” And kept doing it years after he stops being “new,” because they were assholes.

    • You, sir, are the idiot. The author isn’t saying young boys are mean and violent (usually they are, but that’s neither here nor there). What she’s actually doing is registering her disgust with the parents/teachers/adults who are telling the young boys and girls that this kind of behaviour is acceptable; or even normal. Next time read the subject matter more carefully and understand what is being discussed before you run your mouth off and insult people based on your incorrect assumptions through misconception.

    • Way to miss the point, buddy. The point here isn’t whether kids who bully are evil, but that girls are being taught to accept such behaviour. This kind of bullying may be understandable, but it is not in any way acceptable. It doesn’t really matter if that boy pushes the girl because he’s got a crush on her or because he’s a cruel little bastard (newsflash, kids are cruel little bastards who will go out of their way to antagonize each other), the behaviour is unacceptable either way. So please, before you call these people idiots, take the time to actually read and UNDERSTAND the text.

      That said, I agree with a lot of what is being said by the author, although I will say that kids who bully aren’t universally assholes, which is why it’s so important to deal with this stuff early. If you nip it in the bud, making them understand that this isn’t how people behave, then they might not grow up to be a bully.

    • You;re the idiot. You just said yourself kids need to be taught, well telling girls that the boy who yanked their hair “did it cause he has a crush on you” is teaching both the boy and girl WRONG! It’s teaching them both that such actions are acceptable behaviour. Like you said kids need to be taught, so we should start by teaching them whats RIGHT and not teaching them whats WRONG!

    • Are you freakin serious? Young kids realize a lot more and know MUCH more than adults and people like you give them credit for and that kind of behavior needs to be nipped in the bud. Maybe they don’t understand, so what? Telling everyone that it’s affectionate will only make them think they’re doing right and that can either go away with experience and age or will stay with them forever.

  86. I hadn’t given this any thought until I read this. I may need to learn more to completely form an opinion on this matter, but i totally see your point, respect it, and agree

  87. See I wish I had someone telling me this stuff when I was young, because when I was in Elementary school, I was bullied something terrible. It didn’t stop at scratches, punches, and belongings being stolen, it went much much farther then that. I was stabbed with a pencil in my leg during lesson, choked until I passed out with the strings on my jacket, knocked off the monkey bars by my fingers being crushed by them purposely stomping on them with their foot, and worst of all beaten in the head repeatedly with a baseball while my attacker laughed maliciously and pinned me down so I was unable to protect my face. This all left me with an ingrained fear of men, and dents in my skull, and a scar on my face that will never go away. I cannot even hug my father without having a panic attack.

    If I had not been taught “boy’s will be boys” and been told to “toughen up” when my male cousins picked on me (far more innocent teasing mind you, they never went further then indian burns and pushing me down when they got mad), I would have gone to my mother about the matter. I felt I had to tough it out. Even so I had finally gone to a teacher and been told the same thing your daughter was told, “he probably has a crush on you” and again the statement that always infuriates me to no end “boy’s will be boys”.

    If I ever have a daughter of my own, I will never let someone tell her that.

  88. TL:DR
    or
    For the people who couldn’t really grasp what this lady had to say in this post.

    She really hates bullies and doesn’t give a damn about people gawking and getting butthurt over her use of language.

    and also
    I LOVE YOU QUEENOFTHECOUCH <3 AND I WILL EXPRESS THIS EMOTION IN KISSES AND HUGS. (no violence)

  89. TL:DR
    or
    For the people who couldn’t really grasp what this lady had to say in this post.

    She really hates bullies and doesn’t give a damn about people gawking and getting butthurt over her use of language.

    and also
    I LOVE YOU QUEENOFTHECOUCH <3 AND I WILL EXPRESS THIS EMOTION IN KISSES AND HUGS. (no violence)

  90. You guys can talk about this stuff all you like, but until you put actions to it, these words are meaningless opinions locked in your heads that only serve as equally meaningless banter between people afraid to take action.
    If you support or don’t like this, then stop talking and do something about it.
    This world is based upon people who take action, not people who just wag their tongues uselessly about it.

  91. I love this and I have told writer of this blog that. If that makes me crazy, nutters, insane, psycho or whatever label you want to put on me (and her) then fine. It seems that so many people missed the point of this. I read some of these comments and all I can picture are these angry buzzing bees swarming in for the attack. Who knew this would spark so much emotion from people? I think it’s interesting that those of us who like and agree with the writer are nuts, yet I have read some very disturbing replies. Far more disturbing then a mother who cusses openly and speaks her mind on her own blog. Geesh what was she thinking with that one? I don’t understand why that sparks your animosity and hatred. I don’t think that she deserves to have someone make disturbing and filthy comments about her or her family. Yet, her sharing this blog makes her nuts? I think some people must be living without mirrors in their homes.

  92. I wrote down several arguments, but all I really want to say is that you are entitled to your opinion. But I still hate you. For whatever reason my gut instinct was when I read this article to make you feel like shit. I don’t know why I felt that way, but I did, and I do. I think its because I found out about this page from when I was facebook stalking an ex friend who was also the first peer in my adult life to physically assault me. Or maybe it was because you are telling your child violence is wrong all the while talking about how you want to beat the shit out of everyone. Maybe because I read yet ANOTHER “feminist” article talking about how little white girls need to be protected from mean boys who bully them, and neglecting to raise any awareness of men in abusive relationships, and maybe pondering how a woman can be raised to become abusive to their partners. Maybe I’m bitter, or irrational, or need to stop facebook stalking people. Either way, you made me depressed and angry, and ashamed to be a woman. I don’t blame you, but I still don’t like you, sorry.

    • Try some time on the couch, or maybe you could just “get a grip”. Really? I say, get off the computer and quit stalking people on facebook and go deal with YOUR issues. Misplacing them onto others is not a valid reason, nor does it make you right. I’m sorry that someone hurt you. And that is genuine. Lots of people have been hurt in their lives. Don’t take what’s happened to you and blame it on Views from the Couch. That’s a bit ridiculous. That being said, I wish you the best and hope you find a way to deal with your troubles.

      • My thoughts exactly! It was a bit comical and a bit disturbing that someone stumbled upon this blog, while FB stalking an ex friend, and wanted to express her hatred of me. I mean, are you fucking kidding? I disagree with people’s opinions all the time, even vehemently, and don’t hate the person. If you hate someone, especially someone you have never met, over a different point of view, you probably have some issues to work out.

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  95. don’t even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good. I do not know who you are but definitely you’re going to a famous blogger if you are not already Cheers!

  96. Peacemonger told me that most of your fans are pathetic and that you are damaging your reader’s fragile psyches with your victim-centric mentality. He is being reactionary and exaggerating, yet I think his comment is not without some degree of validity.

    Sparrow Flailer suggested that you are the abuser – that you are inflicting traumatic notions of being victimized and of being abusive upon what would have otherwise been perfectly healthy childhood development. She said that children each develop differently but that when you throw their normal stages of natural development under a lens of grown-up psychobabble and ask them to confront that you are going to seriously screw up their development (and doing the same thing but dumbing the terms down for the kids is just going to be even worse for them). She did also note though, that there may be a small number of cases where there may be real cause for concern but those cases are hardly what the article here was about, and the number of self-defined victim parents posting here is cause for far greater concern. Yet she cautions that victim parents should take great care not to force their own children to be victims, but also not to force them to over-compensate. Sadly she says that there is no easy way to explain any of this to victim parent because victim parents usually become insanely self-righteous.

    Antlion told me that everyone single one of the comments here are by people who have serious mental issues, also implying that boys will be boys is exactly as true as girls will be girls and that the author here was merely starved for validation, along with most of the commentators.

    My daughter Abbey (8) said she didn’t care about this nonsense. She said sometimes boys hit her or pulled her hair, but she didn’t really care. She said they were just stupid boys and they hit like sissy’s anyway. She also said that she would kick their ass if they tried to really hurt her and she couldn’t get away easily. They fight with each other all the time and some girls are just as mean too. Abbey has been practicing kung fu since she was 4 (~4 years) so she is pretty confident but she has also learned that petty violence is not worth responding to because the kind of violence she is capable of unleashing is on a whole different level. I don’t feel any need to change her perspective on this. I think she is right that she shouldn’t care about this BS – it is just adult mind games – and kids have enough mind games among their social dynamics already, without having to heap a bunch of adult mind games onto them as well. Teach your kids to think for themselves, then let them do so…

    Oh yeah, Pandora laughed and said “fucking pussies, where’d I leave that tiny violin”. If one of you wanted to come and bitch at her about her son, she said “they could just take it up with Benta (her son) directly, and he would teach them a lesson they wouldn’t soon forget”! hehe – she’s cool and I bet Benta really would teach you a thing or two…

  97. As a child at aged 10, I was often beaten and mocked at by the boys in my elementary school. I came home with scratches and bruises all over my arms and face, and my parents never really took me seriously because they said boys will be boys, “playing rough”! Mom and Dad, this post’s for you.

  98. i never thought of it that way. when i was little lots of boys would tease me and punch me. much like what you said. and of course everyone told me that it meant he liked me. i remember thinking “well if he likes me then why is he hurting me?” telling young girls its just because they like you is teaching them being abused is ok and that we should just put up with it because “they love us”. when i have children i am going to make sure they don’t think that way. the last thing i want is my future daughter to be married to some asshole because someone told her its ok that just means he likes you.

  99. I completely agree as your lines reminded of the opening scene of “He’s Just Not That Into You”. Thank you for validating reasons as to why there are many difficulties in the ways we socialize our genders, and the many issues it leads to (as I’m sure I too need to learn healthier behavior from men, and that it’s NOT okay for bullies to express themselves as arses just because they feel like being an arse). Now if only we could teach your parenting style to others ;)
    :D

  100. I couldn’t agree more! Individuals who are offended by her use of language should focus on the content of the message. I thinks it is absurd that someone is passionately expressing themselves (with a very important message) and they focus on “use of language” You mean to tell you have never stubbed a toe or whacked and elbow and quickly cursed under your breath? He who has not sinned, cast the first stone…those who throw stones without self reflection of their own guilt I have a message…May the stone you lift be to big to much to bear and drop on your head!

  101. So your saying you want children to show kindness and compassion with eachother but you have no problem becoming hostile and angry and even threatening violence on your posts if that doesn’t happen. I’m confused.
    On another note. Don’t kid yourself. Girls are no better out there on the playground. My three boys have endured everything from name calling to physical abuse to cheating on tests by little girls who claim to have crushes on them (and if you think it gets explained away on your daughter, try having your son be asked what he did to deserve it!). It only gets worse because once they get into high school my young men will endure girls liking them and then dating someone else and then telling that new boyfriend all about my son so that jealousy reigns supreme and his ass will get kicked. It’s happened and it will continue to happen unless every parent decides to teach their children how to play nice.

  102. Nice article. Also, it is time that we start teaching our daughters that is it NOT OK to hit boys for ANY REASON.

  103. I agree with ED. The message is very good, but unfortunately the language is not something I would want a young person to use, so therefore I do not believe in using it myself. You have a very strong message, but I do feel if your children listen to that type of language,somewhere,some place, some how, there will be a price to pay. Use your energy to educate all youngsters on what is abuse and how to love others.

    • This article is for adults, especially parents, not for their children. And while I do not agree with such language either, the blogger is still right as ever in the point she made.

  104. I remember being told this as a child. Then in later years I remember my mother telling me “You don’t hit people, but if someone hits you you lay their asses out flat”. This came from my mother after she left my father for abusing her. Makes a lot of sense now. Too bad she learned so late in life not to take shit from people.

  105. As a young girl I was told, “He probably did that because he likes you and doesn’t know how to show it appropriately. Make sure you tell him when he makes you uncomfortable, and if he doesn’t apologize I want to know about it.” My dad, the best assertiveness coach in the WORLD.

    Fast forward to college, and while walking a quiet thoroughfare on my way to perform my senior recital some creep on a bike comes up behind me, pinches my ass and stops to look at me and see what I’ll do. Holler at him, that’s what. And he freaked out and rode away. Yay. I told my roommate’s mother this after the recital was over and she smiled happily at me and said “How flattering for you! What a nice pick-me-up before your big performance!” And she wasn’t being all ’90s ironic, either.

    Emotional maturity is a tricky thing-at 8 I expect my daughter to tell people when they are doing something that makes her feel bad, and I am lucky that she also feels she can tell me and that she has a supportive school environment besides. When people are jerks they are not~always~ out to get you, something that helps me stay calm as I clearly define my limits.

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  107. My father was once told by a school board member that “She (meaning me his at the time 10 yo daughter) must like being hit or she wouldn’t keep making (bully) mad.”

    Dad’s response came from his lawyer. It explained that if the bullying didn’t stop right then we would be pressing Criminal charges against the boy (assault), his father (old Texas law about not controlling your child), and the district administration (failure to protect a child, failure to report child abuse). We would also be suing the boy’s family and the district on civil charges.

    That boys will be boys and we can’t do anything about it stuff stopped on a dime. It made a lasting impression 6 years later my 2nd cousin was being harassed. His parents got the same “boys will be boys” nonsense plus some he needs to man up (but if he fights them he will be suspended) nonsense. Until the school secretary overheard his parents having a conversation with my Mom about a sick relative. After Cousins parents left the secretary asked if we were related. Mom told them yes that Cousin’s Dad was my Dad’s 1st cousin. Secretary disappeared into the principal’s office. Cousin’s parents came home to a message that the other boys had been suspended and to please let them know if there was any more problems. I guess they figured our cousins would also threaten criminal and civil action.

  108. I came here through Break it down Pete’s place…always a great read;)
    I must say, my g-dau had this problem at the same age, my son told her not to ever let anyone disrespect her. She heard all the same things you spoke of by others, “it means he likes you”. She didn’t like it and told him so many times. Anyway, my son told her to smack him back next time! She did the next time he pushed and gave her arm a slug, she punched and fought until he was down on the ground saying he was sorry!!! Well, she was stopped by a teacher, suspended from school and the other parents were (especially the father) were furious with my son. I did not agree with my son at the time…LOL although now days I do.
    I think it was what he deserved since she put up with his bullying for months!
    Bottom line is this behavior is not acceptable by boys or anyone, ever.
    Kudos to you!!!

  109. I’m a new reader and admirer. I think I found my way to your blog from another blogger. I read your most recent two posts and was very curious so I started at the beginning (July 2011) and was thoroughly captivated by your insights, wit and humor. Your language is your business and I don’t find it off-putting at all. In fact, I think it helps illustrate the points you are making. I must confess that I didn’t read all of the comments in response to this blog entry but I read enough to get a flavor about the criticisms. There seems to be strong current of other people imposing their will on you which of course is puzzling considering that they opted to voluntarily come to and read your blog. I think this particular entry is one of the most cogent expressions of the dichotomy of responses that boys and girls receive to harassment and violence.

    • Thanks to you!
      I can’t help but laugh at those that want to wag their proverbial finger at me for my language and expect me to hang my head in shame and “clean it up”. “Puzzling” is the perfect word to describe that train of thought. :)

  110. While I agree with everything you’ve written, your argument is weakened by your use of vulgar language. You’re obviously a good writer; why do you find it necessary to use words that will prevent such an important message from being more widely shared?

  111. I completely agree with you that this behaviour in boys should not be excused or explained away in this way, and that giving girls this message is completely out of line.

    I don’t, however, agree with you that if a boy does this it means he’s an asshole.

    My son is one of those children who’ll punch others in an attempt to relate to them. He does this because he is autistic and this seriously affects his social development and understanding. He’s no more an asshole for doing this than a toddler would be for doing the same thing. He’s a child who is genuinely not equipped to understand why what he is doing is wrong. He is not an asshole; he is a child with a disability.

    This does not mean that it would be at all appropriate for us simply to shrug our shoulders and let it go. It means that writing him off as an asshole is not the right thing to do, from either his point of view or that of the children whom he might punch (because dismissing him as an asshole is not doing one blind thing more to solve the problem than ‘Oh, he’s got a crush on her’ would). What we should be doing, and what we *are* doing, is to teach him proper behaviour. I mean that literally, not ironically. He needs to have it explained to him and regularly reinforced that we don’t hit people, we shake their hands or smile at them or give them a hug if we know them well. So this is what we do, and it’s working.

    Of course, most of the boys doing this won’t be autistic or otherwise developmentally disabled (though some will, and you won’t necessarily be able to pick them out from the others just from seeing them in the playground). But most of them have simply never been taught that you don’t behave in this way, and it *isn’t* a realisation that necessarily comes automatically. The teachers involved are shirking their responsibilities to the hitter as well as the hittee when they dismiss this behaviour instead of teaching better behaviour.

    The correct answer to “Oh, he probably has a crush on you” is an icily polite “Ma’am, my daughter was not worried about his motivations; she was worried about having to endure the experience of having her own property physically snatched off her arm. Now, what plans do you have for teaching this boy that this is not an appropriate way to behave?” And I’ll back you all the way in saying that, or alternatively in your original suggestion of slapping them in the face and assuring them it’s purely an expression of your affection. But don’t call the kids who act that way assholes or jerks. One of them is my kid, and, had you happened to have an autistic child or even just a normal immature little boy, one of them might have been yours.

  112. These comments would make great material for a play, Mike Leigh style LOL

    The scene: a dinner party (buffet style) with guests wandering in and out and QofC as hostess of course. Try re-reading some of the comments giving them the most appropriate accents and look.

    ………. Or maybe an opera?! ;)

    (Libretto by Tits McGee ©)

    “Well well well!!!

    Just look at this mess of self-congratulatory squaw-king.

    Easy on the overcompensation, girls.

    You should know what that means; you use it on men often enough.”

    (And so on….)

  113. Well well well, just look at this mess of self-congratulatory squawking. Easy on the overcompensation, girls. You should know what that means; you use it on men often enough. I know you’re all excited about the turnout to the anti-bullying bandwagon, but your cart is pulling a dead horse. Not one of you understands the behaviour you condemn. Not fully, not beyond your stunted, self-righteous, ‘my child is the center of the universe’ moronic worldview. Go have another glass of wine to reward yourselves for being ‘good mothers’. Maybe when you sleep it off you’ll find that the world has altered itself to your exact specifications. If not, just read/write another indignant blog, and wait for the other cockeyed third-wave feminists to wander in open-mouthed to commence the validation orgy.

  114. I have to say, that the entire premise of the post has been totally and completely lost throughout the comments section (which has provided me so much etnertainment)…bet you didn’t think you’re personal view on your blog would turn into this?! I find it insane and amazing what has happened on here. I personally love your post (as I stated before) and I feel that same way. I think too many people have taken your words way too literally and removed the actual context of what should be taken from it: Teach your daughters to stand up for herself when she’s being pushed around/bullied and not just accept the age old “oh he must like you” for an excuse. This article has been twisted into the following stances through the comments: an arguement over foul language and its’ innapropriate place on a personal blog, feminism, brainwashing, over parenting, disney characters, physical violence, bad parenting….do you see? I personally understand sattire and sarcasm, but I guess there are far more people who don’t. Do you really think Queen is going to go punch these kids in the face? Or the adults who may be involved? It’s called venting frustration before it does come to that. Is your issue that she called some nameless faceless kid an asshole? It’s called an opinion and again it’s venting. Do you scream and yell at someone who cuts you off when you’re driving, say maybe call them an asshole? Same idea (yes kids and drivers are different, but she didn’t walk up to this kid and call him an asshole). The difference is that she’s sharing her POV which is that she will not let her daughters accept some old school excuse for others pushing her kids around. Plain and simple. This isn’t about all the other drivel written here in the comments and sadly most people missed the point that maybe saying, “oh, little johnny pulled your hair; he must like you” is a dated excuse and could possibly be re-examined by most people…but again this is a personal blog and this is her personal parenting style and no one parent is right or wrong (unless you’re abusing/beating your kid mercilessly, then sorry you’re wrong).

  115. Wow, just WOW!! After reading the comments, I had to re-read the original rant, as I comprehended the point of the blog post and apparently gleaned over the supposed use of such “foul language”.

    I am APPALLED by the fact anyone would deem the language as inappropriate but considers such [childhood] conduct as A-O-KAY. (Based solely on the emphatic responses regarding language only, with no regard to the actual meaning conveyed by the piece). The writer was not stating that a simple hair tug as a boy-ish form of affection was improper, but rather that a male physically assaulting a female (or people assaulting one another in general) should not be socially written off as tolerable behavior, regardless of age of the perpetrator. Did you people read-over the words “grabbed” and “forcibly”, or the fact that the school official brushed such flagrant actions off?! I’ve never once heard a mom exclaim “Oh, lil’ Matty Jr. punched me in arm last night… He must REALLY LOVE me! I can’t wait until he does it yet again, tomorrow!” And if any son/person were to do that & was taught to think it acceptable, we’d deem their parents as delinquents. Also, I believe some people missed the fact about said actions being against a 10 year old, not a toddler. You people realize that the legal ‘Age of Reason’ in the USA is defined as being around 7-8 years of age, right? These bullies are mentally capable of knowing & fully understanding of what they are doing. The writers’ summarized example of what is wrong – Boy likes Girl; Boy hits Girl; Girl is taught that that action is Exceptional. We should teach out children not to hit, because what is instilled during childhood becomes a reality as adults. Children learn via their senses & through repetition. We don’t want them to just follow the adage of ‘Monkey see, Monkey do.’ They need to know the ‘why’ behind things and that there are consequences to every action. But guess what, little unaware & uneducated kids hit each other, so we, as supposed ‘grown-ups’, need to reiterate that it is wrong, explain the ‘why’ part, and get to the root of the issue (oh, wait… males have emotional feelings too? And they don’t know how to express them? Is that taboo topic really allowed to be discussed out loud, openly, and in public no less?).

    And the language utilized is ABSOLU-FUCKING-LUTELY suitable. To say that an educated society (which is lacking in some of these comments) portrays it as a lower form of communication is absurd. The use of the language is not only used in the proper context (hence me out right over looking it!) but it throws the pain & torment brought upon such a pre-pubescent child directly into the face of the adult reader (as witnessed by certain illicit responses to the same). It was meant to invoke an advanced understanding and reflection thereto, but sadly, society apparently isn’t as mature as once believed. The beyond aggressive act of bullying is in and of itself violent (whether physical, emotional, or mental), and the language to describe it should be as fitting in an attempt to drive the point home.

    To those individuals who say ‘children need to learn to do things on their own’ (not sure if that means to defend oneself, or lack thereof), I guess yours are currently in the back yard pig-pen eating mud!?!?…Because you obviously wouldn’t provide them any sort of educated schooling, as that would involve teachers, who TEACH KIDS HOW TO LEARN (i.e. read, write, do math, act civil & maybe even coach our youth towards thinking independently – novel idea, I know!) NO CHILD LEARNS ON THEIR OWN. Adults (hopefully genuinely, accurately, and ethically) guide them all throughout the way, and if you’re really lucky, maybe even go beyond that.

    And don’t even get me started on these dimwits who deem a parent protecting their child from deliberate & proven abuse as being [a(n)]: “bitch”, “cunt”, “feminist”, “lesbian”, “helicopter parent”, “pompous”, “uneducated”, “self-righteous”, “insane”, “hag”, “butch”, “neurotic”, “paranoid”, “overbearing”, “liberal”, dysfunctional, etc., etc., etc. (I got tired of recording all the negative undertones)… If you feel as such, please go STERALIZE yourselves!! I don’t want my tax dollars paying for you to afford & bring up your little monster demon spawn offspring.

    I think this blog post, as well as all the comments (good, bad, & indifferent), was wonderful & thought provoking. I find the whole blog site very humorous & blunt, but more importantly, completely honest. I can’t wait to share it with my family, friends, & colleagues. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK DEAR QUEEN!!

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  117. What a nonissue, the schoolyard is where we are TAUGHT not to hit, this is where the behaviour presents itself and and where it will be delt with, and clearly it should be addressed primarily in the home. but so far as a boy callling a girl ugly and the teachers responce to say that the” boy likes her” i find much preferable to the truth. which would be to tell the girl that he really thinks shes ugly, I say spare little Suzi’s fellings . And Holly really “Boys will be boys” to defend gang rape I think not.

  118. Going viral! Also, while I acknowledge there is liberal use of profanity, this isn’t a blog anyone is being force to read! Leave the page if it offends you. I think the profanity expresses frustration that we (we being parents or those who have been told this ourselves) feel when we hear this BS spewed.

  119. Fabulous! The expression I abhor is “boys will be boys”. It’s been used to excuse everything from bullying to gang rape. I’m going to have my 14-year-old daughter and 12-year-old son read this blog. I think it will make for an interesting “teaching moment” with them. Thanks.

  120. Great article. In 7th grade, a boy was alternately nice and nasty to me. In 8th grade, he signed my yearbook that he only teased me because he liked me. I thought he was a total jerk. We dated on and off in college and post college, but I never totally trusted him, because he based our relationship on really mixed messages from the start. Now, 25+ years after 7th grade, you can bet he regrets teasing me back then. I married someone else…and he is still carrying a torch for me.

    I get that boys that age don’t know how to process their feelings, but they need to be taught that being mean is never the right choice. They could live to regret it.

  121. You are so right! It’s time we don’t put up with this crap excuse any longer. Every parent should teach there children this. I never believed it, but always accepted it. Not any longer! Thank you! S.O. – Netherlands

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  123. This article makes excellent points and I appreciate your writing it. I will certainly try to remember this if my grandchidren ever come to me with these issues. I do agree with the comments that have a problem with the language though. Maybe it’s more of a generational thing. But I think you could have made the same point without the four letter words – just like Adele could have made her displeasure known at the recent awards show without giving ‘the finger’.

    It’s basic respect. Respect for our children and respect for the readers of the blog.

  124. I have a 8 year old son that is harassed by a little girl. I bat shit crazy little girl. No one will do anything about it because he is a boy and she is a girl. It goes both ways. Do I think she “likes” my son. Maybe. Do I think this is any way to get attention? Hell to the no.

    I just think schools and teachers are either a.) to over whelmed to deal with misbehaviour. b.) afraid of parents if they do anything about misbehaviour c.) don’t give a shit…or a combo of all of the above.
    As a parent, we have to fight our childrens battles at school no days, which makes us the “scary” parents. No winning

  125. Great article. I feel naive to admit I never really thought about it like this before, but my thoughts will never be the same now. In school I was bullied by a boy. He made my school life miserable and I’d skip whenever I could to avoid facing mean people like him (there were more like him there). I was a shy kid, never hurt anyone, I was just an easy target. My mom read my diary how much this kid Scott was making me miserable and her reply was, “He probably likes you.” It was a cop out. It didn’t make me feel any better, and I didn’t believe her. I eventually left the school to get away.

  126. No problem, my blog post is as follows:

    (S)mothering your children is messing up my Chi.

    Now, I’m not one to rip apart someone’s opinions… oh wait. Yes I am. Stupid people make me so angry, and in particular, other parents. It is common practice lately to completely smother your child; everyone is special, everyone is a winner, and every child needs to be treated in such a politically correct manner that we are going to raise a class of entitled, whiny robots who want the world handed to them on a silver platter…. still living with Mommy and Daddy who make their lunches before work every day.

    What sparked this rant? A blogger entitled “Views from the Couch”.. she wrote an entire article found here called “You didn’t thank me for punching you in the face” It depicts a sweet little rant exclaiming that we are vicious monsters for allowing little boys show their affection for little girls by tugging on their hair, pushing them, etc. She basically said that by allowing any type of teasing whatsoever to go on, we are allowing our daughters to be raised as a tolerant of physical abuse, and prime them to be in abusive relationships. Get your ass off the couch, lady.

    (Picutre of cartoon little boy)
    You.little.bastard.

    There is a serious difference between PHYSICAL ABUSE and a little teasing on the playground. SUCK it UP, please. What you are preparing your daughter to be is an adult size whiny brat, just like you. Teach your kid to stand up for herself, and stand on her own two feet, then maybe she won’t still be living with you on her 40th birthday. Maybe we should take away fairy tales too, they just teach our little girls that they are helpless and worthless until they find their prince. Oh right, fairy tales are actually just stories to tell our children to give them a little freaking hope, the belief that everyone can have a happy ending, and that miracles do freakin happen. We are such monsters.

    (Picture of Disney Princesses)
    You demeaning bitches. You are everything wrong with the world.

    I’m going to go read both of my darling daughters a princess bedtime story, and watch the magic twinkle in their big eyes, and give them hope that they can have an amazing story of their own. I am also going to teach them how to kick a little boy in the balls.
    Sweet dreams <3

    • @Momsarepeople2

      I tried to leave this as a comment on your blog but it wouldn’t accept it (blogspot seems to hate wordpress). So I’m leaving it as a reply here instead (if QotC approves such a ridiculously long comment as this). Anyway FWIW….

      RE: Disney Princesses / indoctrination of children

      Have you ever, you know, done any actual research into Disney (both the man and the ‘empire’)? Are you aware of Disney’s links to CIA, freemasons, the military industrial complex? (with many of its rides openly sponsored by military industrial corporations)

      I doubt you’ve ever read any of the books and interviews by ex-employees of Disney. Their accounts tend to be disturbing to say the least. As are the accounts of the MK Ultra trauma based mind control sex slaves who talk about being taken to Disney theme parks to be programmed / abused in its infamous underground tunnels and rooms. But of course Disney has the clout to keep such information well away from the mainstream media/ public consciousness, not least because Disney OWNS much of the media and its membership of the CFR makes it part of the so called ‘elite’. In fact as many people have pointed out only powerful ‘mafia’ type organisations can maintain the kind of squeaky clean public image which Disney has managed to maintain over many decades.

      Disney propaganda and indoctrination of the youth is really no more a ‘conspiracy’ than corporate advertising is a ‘conspiracy’. We can all accept that TV adverts are scientifically crafted by psychologists to make us feel and behave a certain way, yet start talking about Disney / Hollywood doing the same thing to children and you will get called a loony!

      It’s a known fact that the the Pentagon has its own department devoted to re-working Hollywood movie scripts in return for free use of (taxpayer funded) military hardware and personnel (it’s called the ‘film liaison dept’ I think). The Pentagon publicly admit scripting movies like ‘Top Gun’ from top to bottom to use as recruitment propaganda (Vietnam had brought home the reality of war and they needed to reprogram a new generation to view war as heroic). In fact when ‘Top Gun’ was first released in the 80′s they actually put recruitment booths in the cinema foyers. It worked extremely well. No doubt many teenagers signed up because they also felt ‘the need for speed’ and wanted to bed a girl like Kelly McGillis after landing their fighter jet. I wonder how many of these eager recruits eventually ended up dead, limbless, PTSD’d, homeless and alchoholic from the illegal wars in the middle east. My point being that military propaganda works!

      It would be extremely naive (to say the least) to think that Disney with its military industrial connections and funding was not also involved in propagandising to the masses (especially the young). I believe some political person once said that Donald Duck did more to promote the public acceptance of income tax than anyone else (Donald Duck cartoons were shown to ‘educate’ the public about income tax). The propaganda power of Disney cartoons was so powerful it was even copied by the Nazis.

      Before talking about Disney Princesses let’s talk about the Mickey Mouse club. Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake, Miley Cyrus etc were all Disney child stars. Because the entire corporate media and sponsors endorse these people (and others like them) the general public rarely questions having women like Spears as role models for their kids. We know Spears is at least suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder, and may well be a victim of trauma based mind control. But we are taught to accept our ‘stars’ having ‘breakdowns’ shaving their heads, saying they’re fed up with “people plugging stuff into me and touching me” and going into ‘rehab’ and then emerging within weeks and appearing on stage in a leather bikini with a vacant look in their eyes. Switching personalities is normal behaviour apparently (see also Anna Nicole – mushroom trip my ass! That’s a child altar personality clear as day).

      Millions of people work far harder than music/ movie stars and they don’t have mental breakdowns or multiple personalities. And if normal people do have mental breakdowns requiring hospitalisation it usually takes YEARS to recover and results in a complete change of lifestyle/ career. Something is obviously GOING ON – but over decades we have all been conditioned to view it as somehow normal (and even view the menta breakdown of ‘our celebs’ as another form of entertainment). The bottom line is that Hollywood (et al) is a cult!

      The Disney formula for corrupting little kiddies and turning them into consumer monster whores is so blatant, yet few ever stop and think about it. These Disney child stars start out all cute, pink and sparkly building up a legion of obsessed fans. Moms love them because they think they are all wholesome and innocent. Little girls are encouraged to fill their lives with a zillion branded products until their bedrooms become like shrines to their Disney idols. Then, as soon as they all hit adolescence these Disney idols are forced to become skanky whores overnight, causing a whole army of little pink princess fans (and their little sisters) to do the same. From then on being a girl is defined in terms of material stuff (consumerism), whorish appearance and general pulling power over boys and little else. And this is all achieved before they’ve probably even had their first period. By the time these women reach their 30′s and start ageing they freak out and start pumping silicone into their butts/ face/ breasts… Motherhood is viewed as an inconvenience and the concept of the wise old grandmother/ crone has been wiped out completely. In the cult of celebrity (and royalty) once a woman has produced an heir and is past 30 she is expendable. Many celeb/ royal princesses are indeed ritually sacrificed.

      These days music videos featuring the likes of Cyrus, Spears, Aguilera, GaGa, Beyonce etc ROUTINELY show girls being felt up, dehumanised, tortured, murdered, tied up, set on fire, used in or conducting occult/ satanic rituals…. and all to the soundtrack of danceable, catchy pop music….. I mean come on! This is hard core cognitive dissonance – a psychological concept too sophisticated for most adults to understand, let alone teenagers and children! Do you actually think these girls make up the ideas for their own videos and stage shows?

      And yes Disney fairy tales follow the same kind of formula. It’s called ‘Princess/ Warrior Programming’. Here’s a video which discusses this programming in more detail (and lots more besides):

      Wash Your Brain – Hollywood Mind Control (Part 1)

      Wash Your Brain – Hollywood Mind Control (Part 2)

      You probably think this is all very paranoid…… All I can say is this: would you let some random stranger off the street into your home to read stories to your children (perhaps in their bedroom) hour after hour after hour …and in doing so teach them how to view the world, themselves, their bodies, their relationships, their parents, how to dress, how to behave!!!???…..

      Most parents would NOT allow a stranger to get exclusive access to their children’s minds for hours each day. Yet when we sit them in front of Disney, or a Hollywood movie or MTV that is EXACTLY what we are doing. Except they are not even random strangers… the people running the entertainment/ mass media industries are heartless, cold blooded, corporate executives, freemasonsand god-only-knows-what-else and the whole industry is known to be connected to the military industrial complex. Thanks to the hijacking of the women’s lib movement millions of parents are now unable to stay at home to devote the time needed to raise their own children – and so the state, daycare and Disney/ Hollywood/ MTV gets to bring them up and instil their values in them instead, which is exactly what they want. Cue the rise in depression, anxiety, eating disorders, low self esteem, ADHD, social breakdown, violence blah blah blah….

      The breakdown of the family and society in general is good business for the state AND corporations. Brainwashed people make better citizens and unhappy/ neurotic people make better consumers!

      It really is that simple.

      The TV will never teach us about the workings of the industry which creates the stuff that gets put on TV! LOL Why would it?! (And if the industry ever did make a documentary about the industry we would be idiots to believe it).

      If the masses ever understood the true ‘programming power’ of TV (and movies/ music) it would shatter the illusion (the ‘magic’). Program makers AND advertisers rely on us viewing the TV/ movies purely in terms of entertainment, rather than the truth which is that it’s the most powerful mass mind control device ever invented. Only powerful drugs can rival TV’s ability to make us stare straight ahead for hours at a time, losing all sense of our immediate surroundings. This doesn’t make TV (or drugs) automatically ‘bad’ – it just means they are very, very powerful. To have a few corporations effectively controlling what’s on the TV, is no less alarming than if they mass drugged the nation every evening and whispered into our ears while we were all in a stupor! ;)

      This website gives a pretty good insight into who/ what runs the mass entertainment industries – LINK

      It’s depressing how quickly you pour scorn on a mother’s wisdom and upbringing skills (ie the views presented in this blog), while unquestioningly feeding your children Disney/ Hollywood crap without knowing anything about where it comes from.

      End of rant.

      • @Momsarepeople2

        ‘….Wow. Just wow. I feel like this blog and its fans are in a twilight zone…..”

        Of course you do ;)

        Encountering new information and new ideas almost always feels strange, foreign and disconcerting at first – absolutely! People who said the earth was flat or women were equal to men were once treated as ‘crazies’ and mocked, ridiculed, ostracised and persecuted as a result.

        Likewise people today who say it’s not healthy for adults to hit children – or children to hit each other – are generally treated as nut bars too. As are people who ask valid questions about the true agendas of youth ‘programming’ created by the likes of the giant faceless corporations of Hollywood/ Disney/ MTV etc.

        So most of us were all brought up to believe teasing/ bullying was to be tolerated, the belt was an acceptable punishment for children and Disney was as wholesome as apple pie etc etc. Now some of us are questioning these things…… “wooooooo”…..

        “…. I seriously fear for the adults you people will be releasing into the world….”

        I suspect what you really fear is new ideas that threaten your outdated values and attitudes. I suspect you just fear change and anyone who represents that change. Again this is quite normal.

        Evolution IS hard work and requires a lot of serious thinking and doing……. and this is very hard to accomplish in an uptight state of mind. Maybe you should learn to loosen up … and swear a bit more? ;)

        Right now the world/ society is changing more in one decade than it used to change over the course of centuries or even millennia. Anyone NOT swearing right now is going to feel at a loss for fucking words :)

        • This isn’t some radical new idea! No one is swept away in disbelief because they cant handle it. This is nothing more than a helicopter mom who doesnt have the skills to handle her OWN feelings about her child being in a childhood conflict…and who can not handle the fact that sometimes, yes sometimes it is better to teach a child to move on that to wallow in self pity…or live in fear of a non threat. I also worry for the needy unpreprared adults you all are raising. Sometimes the boys do like you and dont handle it well..and sometimes the boys just dont like you and you move on. the point is to teach the children to handle the behavior without escalating the problem…not how well you teach them to nick pick the words.The sadest part is a lot of damaged people who lack the skill to navigate adult relationships will latch onto this as some sort of excuse as to why they were and/or are abused. This is no more telling a child to accept abuse than it is telling them to fly to the moon. Its telling them to move on. In fact, moving on is what adults in abusive relationships need to do. If your focused on blaming the person who was trying to console the children and end the situation your focused on the wrong person. AND I would be willing to be 99% of the time someone says “…he likes you…”the next line is” go find someone else to play with.”

          • “Just move on”? What a joke. There’s no escaping bullies at school. More needs to be done than the passive “ignore them and walk away” approach that doesn’t solve anything. Kids can’t just leave an abusive relationship the way adults can because they are trapped in schools with the bullies – mandated to go to a place where bullies are waiting for them. I feel like you never experienced true bullies or truly passive adults. I’m talking trip you on concrete so your arms get ripped up in the fall, lock you in cabinets so you can’t get out, drag you out of the playground screaming for a good round of kicking type of bullies. They don’t care about niceties and you can’t escape from them because of the very nature of school. You’re in class, they’re in class, and they know where you are. Kids need to be taught to fight back – not just the “walk away” spiel that never works, and bullies need to be stopped by adults. Only twice did my parents intervene – when I had serious scrapes and bruises. Never did the teachers ever do anything, even when they saw it right in front of their eyes and I asked them to do something. Children aren’t adults. They need to be taught and controlled.

  127. Sadly, this “It means he likes you” happens everywhere. I’m brazilian and I’ve heard it a lot when I was a child/young woman. Soap operas also stigmatized abusive behavior towards women like passion and love.
    To the ones that think we are overreacting: empathy it’s free and doesn’t hurt to try.

    • It seems to me that you want to capitalize on the popularity of this blog and poach some views. Your motives are way too obvious, since you are more than welcome to comment right here and be as critical as you want. Plenty of people have given me scathing criticism. Maybe it’s you that can’t handle the heat, since you want to “take it to another room”, so to speak.

  128. This is amazing. Thank you so much. It eally is no wonder that women are socialized to be in abusive relationship, and it’s so sad that this is passed off as affectionate behaviour for both boys and girls. I don’t doubt that there are so boys that then hurt little girls because they want them to know that they like them and heard this was the best or easiest way.

  129. Thank you so much for this post. I do not have children on my own (yet), but I’ve been working with them and I’ve got a bunch of little cousins. I totally agree with every fuckin’ word you wrote because I definetely do not want the children I’ve been working with or my little cousins or my baby nephew or any other child to think that it’s normal or even cool to punch into someones face (or the other way round to be punched). Damn, it’s not and there should be more moms like you.

      • “….threats and spam…”

        QofC you’ve made a lot of people very angry with your filth and you’d better watch out if you know what I mean….

        …… that’s why you should order “101 tips on staying alive in a world full of raving internet nutters’ – it’s only 29.99 and if you order before the end of the month you get a free ipod thrown in too!

        Sorry – couldn’t resist! ;)

      • I didn’t include threats or spam, I included a blog entry with an opposing view. That seems like something you aren’t interested in hearing. Enjoy your praises, it must be so hard to listen to everyone telling you how wonderful you are all day without giving anyone a chance to describe an opposing view. I would be happy to copy and paste my blog entry in your comments section if you think I am “spamming” you.

  130. I think it’s a bunch of over-sensitive nonsense. Females stay in abusive relationships because they’re idiots. What’s worse is, that after all this talk about educating kids to treat one another with respect, it never changes. Kids are mean, and ignorant, and most parents care not to teach them how to respect one another. Instead of blogging on your couch, take this shit into your next PTO meeting, and make it mean more than aimless garble destined for nowhere.

    • “…Females stay in abusive relationships because they’re idiots….”

      Strictly speaking that’s not a reason, that an assertion. You would need to explain WHY females are idiots. That is unless you mean that being female makes one an idiot, but you’d still need to qualify that assertion with imperial data (and presumably clear away the empty pizza boxes and beer cans to make space on the table for such extensive research).

      “…What’s worse is, that after all this talk about educating kids to treat one another with respect, it never changes…..”

      The talk is ongoing, the changes are gradual.

      “….Kids are mean, and ignorant, and most parents care not to teach them how to respect one another……”

      Adults are mean (illegal wars, greed, corruption, genocide, lies, exploitation for profits, abuse of women and children etc). Kids are only reflecting back what they see in the adult world. All the more reason for adults to treat each other (and kids) with respect and to keep discussing these issues to help increase everyone’s awareness.

      “….Instead of blogging on your couch, take this shit into your next PTO meeting, and make it mean more than aimless garble destined for nowhere…..”

      You seem to have a very ‘either / or’ mindset. Why not both? Also I bet this blog has had 10′s of thousands of hits and each hit has provoked further discussion and thought (as evidenced by many of the comments). It’s all good right?

      In summery, your comment is clearly an *emotional reaction* (ie discomfort) to this whole subject which you disguise (very badly I have to say) as a set of assertions and rational arguments. Maybe you need to work through some of your own shit instead of trying to bring down other people.

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  132. I’m sorry Valerie but your response here is really scary – you are not a grown-up. You are emotionally a child, take a look at what you have written. And you obviously didn’t read my earlier post where I had explained that I was the victim of bullying in school though not for long. And I was actually beaten bloody by a girl while I did not fight back – because she liked me. You have no perspective but your methods of communication are deeply concerning. I almost think you are intentionally trying to prove my points with those replies… In any case, until you can calm down and put things into perspective, you lack the objectivity to make any real contribution to this discussion. You own personal abuse is not the issue here – and that is a discussion best had in place more appropriate to that subject. It is awfully ironic how incredibly abusive your written assault against me is. Could you be any more self-righteous? Could you be a little more full of hate and spite and rage? Could you be any more hypocritical.

    I remember being physically attacked by a girls mother once when I was like 6. The little girl was a bully who took after her mother. Pushing and hitting and pulling our hair and spitting on us boys – but my brothers and I simply had to endure that because if we did not just let her have her way always, she would run and tell her mother who was absolutely horrible. Her mother was insanely over-protective of her daughter who she believed could do no wrong. In her mother’s eyes she was a darling little angel who would never harm a fly. Friends of the family – and my brothers and I absolutely dreaded their visiting (which was thankfully quite rare). I’m sure that little girl was quite happy with her mother as well, passive-aggressive, manipulative, self-righteous, dysfunctional family that they were.. Actually, thinking back now, her mother was a victim of domestic abuse by the father and a few years later she shot her husband – ok more power to her for that I guess (though I think she ended up doing time). But that was the bullying of a little girl who had serious issues which probably stemmed from her home life. Extreme cases like that are a whole different story and as such they have little bearing on the issues presented her which is focusing on the typical antics of average kids – not extreme cases where the real causes and the best courses of action are completely different then the way we should deal with kids.

    Children rough-housing on the playground is not the same as physical and emotional abuse. Girls do it. Boys do it. Get over it. Saddling these innocent kids who are discovering their emotions with all your emotional baggage is far more liable to have adverse effects on the emotional development of these kids then any minor hardships they would typically encounter on the playground.

    Saying that this leads to issues with abusive relationships later in life is incredibly irresponsible because you have absolutely no evidence to back that up (and no, your own personal experience is not evidence, it is isolated, subjective experience which is not necessarily indicative of any real trend in child development on a general level). It is just making half-baked assumptions and presenting them as if they have some kind of real basis other than pure speculation.

    I think Notshawn said it far better and more concisely than I can so I’m just going to repeat Notshawn’s very insightful words of wisdom.

    “The problem with activists of all stripes is that they don’t understand the capacity for grey areas. In the same way that abuse should not be tolerated, neither is it absolutely deplorable for someone to ever push physical or verbal boundaries of any kind with someone of the opposite sex… as adults, we understand this concept most of the time, in that we don’t just go around slapping everyone we know and/or like in the face, but have definitely been known to throw a half-hearted punch at our significant other if they say something that they also didn’t really mean and was half-funny.
    It’s probably also worth noting that not every immature way that children have of relating feelings they don’t yet fully understand is a precursor for adult abusive choices and actions, much less “conditioning” for tolerating abusive relationships.

    Also, nobody “deserves” respect and love in this world, we are called to offer it regardless… That’s what makes this post so hard to read… it’s taking self-righteous indignation, clothing it in sarcasm, and telling people that nobody but themselves matters, and that there is no room for grace, even for children who don’t know better. And that the best response is, apparently, to write the boy off as a “little asshole”? That’s the lesson for your kids?

    Sigh.”

    Well said Notshawn!

    And with that I will be gone from here – as an adult, I have no desire to further subject myself to the sort of extremely abusive dialogue Valerie seems prone to. I will leave her to vehemently bash on me to her hearts content further in my absence. I think she may have some serious aggression she needs to work out.

      • these were your words: ” We SHOULD all teach our sons and daughters that ANY sort of violent behavior, and inappropriate physical contact is UNACCEPTABLE, ”

        it sounded nice but now i understand that you meant we should teach our sons not to be violent and our daughters not to accept violence. but boys who get beat up? especially by girls? that’s facking HIGH-larious! smmfh

        (so ultimately queen of the couch, as i was struggling with in my initial response, it isn’t your post so much as this type of bs that i see all the damned time.)

        just how it is valerie that you or anyone else thinks that you can teach a boy to show respect whilst simultaneously teaching him not to respect himself. how we think we are going to give up girls traditional peace-making at all cost but at the same time demand that boys just “be a man about it” no matter the circumstance.

        if a girl beat up one of your sons would you really ridicule him. sure fire way to send him on a path of being abused by himself and/or others. especially since boys are most often told not to hit a girl under any circumstances.

        if you can stomach it – go tell your sons that they deserve to receive as well as give respect. even if they are males.

  133. And letting children learn on their own, from their mistakes, is a serious, mis guided approach to what you apparently think is good parenting! LOL children don’t know what is right and wrong, and that’s why parents are to make decisions for them, and guide them to the right path! Keep up your “awesome” daddy skills, and see where the F**K it gets you! You sicken me! AND WHO ARE YOU TO comment on MY past? YOU HAVEN’T the slightest! You have a lot of learning to do (from your own abvious mistakes) before you ever attempt to be a parent! If I were your kids, I’d RUN FOR THE HILLS! That;’s your mistake, having kids, before you grasped the seriousness of violent behavior! GOOD LUCK! I pity those poor innocent little ones who have YOU to look up to! You are the scum, from which criminals are born, and from your poor choice of vocabulary, you are where brain cells go to die! Go smoke another joint! DUMB F**K!!!!

  134. What are you on about Valerie? I mean not to sound unsympathetic to what sounds like your very real hardships, bu you can NOT judge the typical interactions of average children by the gauge of what sounds like out of control abusive situations. What you are talking about is a whole different realm of dysfunctional! And any sort of connection between all that and the typical social interactions of young children is extremely tentative at best. You guys just can’t help but project all your own twisted complexes onto everything else, even onto the most innocent antics of young kids discovering their emotions… It staggers the mind! I guess the solution is to micro-manage every single thought and phrase that enters the minds of children, and restrict their every action to only what is defined by the self-righteous survivors of abuse as politically correct, right! Oh my sky, I’m glad I don’t know too many people like you all in real life, I’m glad most of my friends are not so absurdly overbearing and reactionary, and instead favor calmly thinking things through with a modicum of objectivity while being self aware enough to refrain from injecting themselves and their views into every aspect of their children’s lives.

    I’ll tell you what is not okay for my youth – you self-righteous zealots discussing and deciding what is okay for my youth, that is what is not okay. In time you will find that you have got it all wrong. The most well adjusted children come from families which let them live and learn from their own mistakes. Let them experience life and form their own views, rather than trying to define what is and isn’t OK for them every step of the way… If I were your children – I would f-ing SNAP from your overbearing, control-freak, self-righteous, smothering love!

    • Why don’t you take your big ego head, and shove it up your ass! You have no idea what you are talking about! Over bearing? Me? PLEASE! AND YES I can recommend what is good for kids! AND FYI, my daughter and sons are perfectly content with me! Why not take a long glance in the mirror, you douche! SERIOUSLY???? And this issue discussed in the original blog, by Queen of the Couch, is spot on, this DOES TOO lead to violent issues later in life! Let me guess, you were the little “innocent” school bully, who found it amusing to show “fondness” to a girl by pushing/hitting her! Right? Yeah, take your stupid, ridiculous comment, and shove it up your fat ass, right along with your egotistical, self centered, self righteous, “self esteem”! You have NO F****ING CLUE! You arrogant PRICK!!

  135. You totally opened my eyes to something I never put together! I was actually punched in the face when i was 10 because the boy didn’t like how I was playing tag. I got the ol’ he probably likes you crap. I’m not trying to be funny, but holy cow! I wonder if this is why I have such bad luck in relationships. Always trying to please the asshole.

  136. It’s sickening that ANYONE could make excuses for this behavior. And it’s even more disturbing that people can blame a victim for “putting up with the abuse” and saying that it is their fault for letting it get too far. Don’t make remarks such as those, until you’ve walked a mile in an abused woman’s shoes! It just is NOT as simple as MAKING it stop. It get s out of hand, and fast, and more often than not, the woman is forced to stay in an abusive relationship, by being threatened with murder if she attempts, in any way, to leave, or get help! Trust me, I’ve been there before. My ex, threatened to kill my child, and even threw him, not dropped, but THREW HIM into his crib, from about ten feet away, he hit his head on the bars of the crib, and I kept him up all night, and took him to the ER when my ex finally fell asleep, in fear that my 5 month old son, had a concussion! Then he beat me, for doing so, and left my child and I on the side of the road, in -20 degree weather, in the middle of nowhere. So don’t sit there, and try to TELL me that it was MY FAULT! When I finally got to a phone, I called 911, and he was put in jail, and I was free.!!!!

    • I hope you didn’t infer from my blog that I think you were at fault for the abuse you endured! I, myself, am a rape survivor and I assure you that I wouldn’t want to imply that victims bring abuse upon themselves. I can’t express how sorry I am for what you went through but I hope you recognize how strong you are for standing up, reporting the abuse and removing yourself and your child from the situation.

      • Oh no! I was not implying that at all! I am with you 100%! I was replying to some over-zealous asshole, that said that it is the woman’s fault for taking and tolerating abuse! Thank you for your kind words my friend! Much appreciated! I love your view on the whole issue of boys and their ways of showing “feelings” at such a young age, you go girl! I’m your #1 fan! :)

  137. I agree with this side of this disturbing, yet all too real subject. I also agree with the others, when they say that your point is just as valid, if not more acceptable without the use of foul language. We SHOULD all teach our sons and daughters that ANY sort of violent behavior, and inappropriate physical contact is UNACCEPTABLE, but what kind of example are we setting for our youth by expressing our deepest concerns with the F-word and other bad language, that we otherwise discourage our kids from using? Sort of setting an example of Hypocrisy, don’t you think? Anyone that condones this type of language, being in a adult based discussion, or not, should take a look in the mirror. If we are making an argument on what is and is not okay for our youth, then using better language is one BIG point we should all make when setting an example. Instead of defending use of words, that have no point, other than to TRY to sound cool, or to cover up some stupid insecurity we have, ourselves, we should lead by example, and refrain from the use of this USELESS Terminology. Foul language is not necessary, we get the point. This is one issue that does not help our children in their daily lives. Every time we turn on the tv, we have to hope there is not over use of bad language. Like I said, she makes a valid point, I agree 100% that violence starts early and kids are taught to accept it as “flirting”. I was in an abusive relationship for years, and part of that abuse, was being screamed at with obscenities.

    @ Vladimir Resputtin, It is ABSOLUTELY NOT the girl’s fault if this is a continuous thing in her life! It is the fault of the abuser, and whomever taught him or her that it is okay and acceptable to hit another person! Good Grief! Seriously? ” but its your fault if you let it continue to happen. there needs to be boundaries, thats where the woman comes in and tells her daughter that sh*t.” Get real dude!

  138. I think you are insane! Completely neurotic and paranoid! Why do you even have to explain this crap to your children at all? Are your kids so stupid that they can’t think for themselves and figure things out on their own? Why does some boy push some girl, and put sticks in her hair? Actually it really is probably because he likes her… and contrary to your insanely overbearing self-righteous, downright scary attitude – that does actually go both ways! As a boy, I had a girl jumping around in front of me after recess punching me repeatedly in the face because, that’s right, she liked me! When I started bleeding profusely the consequences of what she was doing suddenly struck home and she was overcome with guilt for her behavior and treated me with great respect from then on. Another time, in a different school a year or so later, some girl decided it would be fun to slap me in the face about 20 times, because she liked me. These are only the most extreme cases I can think of off the top of my head – but being picked on and treated with cruelty by girls who liked me was pretty common for me as a child. And you know what, I didn’t run home and tell my mother, or a teacher, or anyone else. Because my parents raised me to think for myself and deal with things on my own! You are raising your children to be little self righteous weaklings who can’t deal with life. I didn’t fight back against those girls not because my parents taught me not to hit girls, because they didn’t have to teach me that – no I figured that out all by myself as well. Though I was one of those strange kids, skinny, and weird, so the male bullies were always drawn to me right away. Having moved around a lot as a kid I had to deal with new bullies at new schools almost once a year – so I got pretty damned good at knocking the biggest bullies flat and nipping that shit in the bud! Again, not because my parents told me to, but because that was the sensible thing to do under the circumstances. And that was a wonderful life experience for me that taught me valuable life lessons.

    Also, think about this, had one of those girl’s parents happened to see what she was doing, and give her a talking to, even a very empathetic, gentle but firm talking to – that would have only made my life more difficult. You can be sure that the girl would not suddenly become a model of kindness and respect – no she would have only developed a deep resentment towards me in place of what had been attraction, and then she may likely have developed deeply passive-aggressive tactics to torment me daily and those passive-aggressive tendencies would likely have informed her personality on a far longer term than the brief, natural, childhood phase of not knowing how to deal with feelings of attraction.

    Kids don’t know how to deal with some new feelings, but they are best left to work that out on their own. Healthy kids are not so fragile and prone to lasting psychological damage as adults like to think – they are resilient, and their hardships make them stronger and smarter. As for girls developing submissive tendencies later in life due to this sort of thing, that is just total BS. In fact quite to the contrary, some kids who may already have some serious submissive tendencies may find that working these sort of issues out in their own time and their own way provides just the needed impetus to overcome those tendencies, while having some grown up ‘attempt’ to come to their rescue may actually compound those issues. When parents and grown-ups try to meddle too deeply in the natural development of children the results are almost never what they intend. Kids do not need an aggressive adult protector to defend them against other children.

    Of course there are extreme cases where intervention is obviously called for, and there are kids who already have serious issues that if left alone may only become worse, but I am talking about the average kids and their typical social dynamics. Extreme cases obviously call for special considerations, but the average kids, and their childhood trials and social maneuverings are best left to children to workout amongst themselves. So why don’t you grown-ups get some freaking lives of your own and let your children live theirs for crying out loud! You people are unbelievable – trying to force your twisted, self-righteous ideas of political correctness into the natural lives and learning processes of children – and more likely screwing them up in the head far worse than having to think for themselves ever could…

  139. I LOVE this post. I have not incountered this situation yet as my two girls have not yet entered the realm of school, but I will for sure not not have that age old gem slip through my lips. Right on, for calling a duck a duck so to speak.

  140. Awesome post… i think its way too often that parents just let things slide not knowing the harm its doing to their kids, and just allow the main way of thinking to take over…. Like the whole idea of toys… Boys always get ambulances, cars, etc, while girls get dolls and barbies… I remember once watching a commercial about a new baby doll that had come out and it could cry when it pooped so the little girl could have fun cleaning its shit. UMM WTF? is that really supposed to be fun? At a young age we are teaching little girls that their concept of fun should be being a mom and looking pretty… Another thing is the different kind of reinforcement girls get vs boys. I remember when I was little I would always tell me little brother what to do, whenever we were playing or whatever else it was we did at that age. It wasn’t like I was telling him to do bad things, or bullying him, not at all. I was just older, had better ideas and when he listened we would both have fun anyways. My old fashioned grandma and uncle would put me down by telling me I was too bossy- always. BUT THEN when my older brother did the same thing, telling me or the younger one what to do, they would praise his leadership skills. WHAT?? How does that make sense? Why is it that when a girl acts that way, she gets the negative connotation of being bossy??

    • Great points! I know that people would think it was so odd, to the point of expressing concern, when my son LOVED the color pink, during the preschool years. He liked to wear pink and I let him. He also liked to carry a purse and I let him. I mean, he was 3-4 fucking years old. If he continued to want to carry a purse through elementary, high school and college, not one ounce of fuck would have been given.

  141. The problem with activists of all stripes is that they don’t understand the capacity for grey areas. In the same way that abuse should not be tolerated, neither is it absolutely deplorable for someone to ever push physical or verbal boundaries of any kind with someone of the opposite sex… as adults, we understand this concept most of the time, in that we don’t just go around slapping everyone we know and/or like in the face, but have definitely been known to throw a half-hearted punch at our significant other if they say something that they also didn’t really mean and was half-funny.
    It’s probably also worth noting that not every immature way that children have of relating feelings they don’t yet fully understand is a precursor for adult abusive choices and actions, much less “conditioning” for tolerating abusive relationships.

    Also, nobody “deserves” respect and love in this world, we are called to offer it regardless… That’s what makes this post so hard to read… it’s taking self-righteous indignation, clothing it in sarcasm, and telling people that nobody but themselves matters, and that there is no room for grace, even for children who don’t know better. And that the best response is, apparently, to write the boy off as a “little asshole”? That’s the lesson for your kids?

    Sigh.

  142. Thank you for writing this!! The concept of boy bullying a girl and this somehow equating to his infatuation with the girl has always puzzled me. It’s essentially another form of gender-based victim blaming which leads to more serious issues in adulthood such as blaming victims of sexual assult for tthe fact they were attacked. Mainting the notion that a boy ‘has a crush’ on a girl when he acts like a complete pillock towards her simply perpetuates the idea that its acceptable to disrespect women.

  143. Way to fucking go!! Great article…and it might bring you a little hope to know that my now-adult boy totally detests and is disgusted by people who use violence to sort things out or ‘express themselves’ whether in the playground, on the street or in the home.

  144. Just another example of how overly sensitive and prima donna this society has become. . . Cry me a river. . . Wah, wah, wah!!!!! This attitude makes me absolutely sick!!! I hope those of you who embrace this post never have to face a really serious situation, because I’ve got some harsh news for you. . . You’ll never make it. . . Life is hard, get over it. . . Take your whiny, spineless self-serving attitudes and go play somewhere else!!!

    • So Gary, you’re content telling your daughters that being physically or verbally abused at a young age is OK because it’s merely a form a affection?
      I hope for your daughters’ sake that is not the case.

      This article isn’t about whining – yes attitudes have changed a lot in recent years and I truly believe we are living in a nanny state – but telling children of either sex that abuse=love is just downright irresponsible. And for that this article has a good point.

  145. This is a great piece – incredibly well-written in every aspect and YES even with the foul language. Scary thing is, I was given these same messages as a kid after being mauled & groped by a boy in my class. To the point I felt humiliated and guilty (!!!!) for even telling. Roll forward to me as an 18yr old years and the same thing happens again….only worse…by a man twice my age….a co-worker….and what did I do? Said nothing – convinced everyone would just say it was my fault.

    It is NOT acceptable to endure verbal, physical, emotional abuse or otherwise – and least of all to see it as a sign of affection. SO those that think that way can, in my book too, just fuck right off!!!!

    Thank you Queen of the Couch!

  146. It’s a shame that this happens in our society.
    Can I make the point though that these kids are merely that, kids? We shouldn’t smack the living daylights out of them to make a point, we should explain the points we’re trying to make calmly and rationally.
    Violence doesn’t solve violent problems.

    Here’s to hoping your kids learn these good values off of yourself, and that they do learn how to show respect to others. :)

  147. Never heard it described as such and couldn’t agree more.

    When I was in grade school a boy threw handfuls of sand in my face, it happened so fast I didn’t have time to shut my eyes. It blinded me temporarily and the process of getting all that sand out of my eyes was a slow and painful process and has permanently scratched the cornea in both eyes. I was upset and angry and wanted to blindly punch him in the face but the teachers only said ‘don’t be mad, he only did it because he likes you’. seriously.

  148. Wow!! Now that I think about it, a huge part of this post is sooo right!!! Thank you for getting your opinions across! I believe, everyone should read this. It’ll surely give them something to think hard about. :)

  149. So my girlfriend alerted me to this article. First let me say that I often tickle her, so please do not alert your local police department. It is not abuse, rather it is affection, and yes we are aware of the difference. However, a 10 year old boy is not aware of this difference yet. He is not cognitively ready yet. I remember this age well, and i must admit that I was still trying to figure out what role this opposite sex played in my life. Was I suppose to see them as my other guy friends, or was I suppose to treat them as sensitive creatures that should be handled with care, or heaven forbid was I suppose to like them in a more then a friend way. And to be honest none of my male friends understood this last option yet; sure some would go around saying they were “boyfriend and “girlfriend” but they had no idea of its true meaning. My point is that at this age boys and girls are just beginning to learn about their different gender roles. Roughing around on the playground or teasing a girl in a playful manner is just one way that boys begin to establish the difference between the sexes. Trust be in a couple of years the boys will reach a new cognitive level and they will better understand the roles between them and their female counter parts, and then hitting females on the playground will not mean the main way they show their affection; if it is then then possibly you should look into that child’s development or home life. The morale of this argument is let kids be kids, and quit trying to assume 10 year old boys have the cognitive ability of grown men. Also on a side note from my childhood there were just had many girls playing rough on the playground and in the class rooms has boys, and they were not provoked by boys to do it!

  150. Preach it, sister! I’ve got two 8 yr old boys and I’ve been teaching them since they were toddlers that some boys who like girls have no idea how to show it and that they do some stupid, mean, wrong things. And I told them how I was tormented by boys who supposedly did it because they “liked” me and how I hated it and how I hated those boys. I’ve been teaching them that they may feel uncomfortable and nervous, but here’s what to say and do if you like a girl and I give them specific examples. I think I’m on the right track because I heard one boy go up to a girl and say, “Your hair looks lovely.” And she invited him to sit by her. People chastised me for teaching them these things at such a young age, but then how do we expect little boys to know what to do and how to behave if we don’t take the time to specifically teach them?!?

  151. Well said. I also like what one responder said about the passive aggressive remarks like, “What – you can’t take a joke?” My husband and his brother are horrible at doing this and I got them to stop because whenever they would do it, I would completely disengage. I didn’t fight back, shout or defend myself. I would simply remove myself from the exchange. It took a while, but it does work. That said, that approach won’t work for everyone, but it did work for me.

  152. @Qofthe couch Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and insights so honestly & passionately! I must confess I am one of those who’d joke about that same thing…..somewhere in my life that was put into my thinking….wow! How wrong I was! I will not say that again or even think it! I had never thought of it that way! I hope people can read your article and pass on the information without getting stuck on the language used. Thanks for so graciously letting people know that they can use a programme to censor it. I felt your anger and passion while i read it and it gave me goosebumps….I will change my attitude right now and i will do what I can to spread that important message you have given us! Good on you. Let’s teach our children how to behave when they like someone to do it in a positive way! all the best to you and your precious daughter.

  153. I’ve been trolling through your comments because I’m at home, sick, and I refuse to get off the sofa no matter how many times my children beg for food. Besides the overwhelmingly kick-ass message of your blog (my girls are 7 and 9), I love the way you take the PC commenters balls-on:

    “Ed
    Feb 15, 2012 @ 13:24:03

    I think that the ideas here deserve to be listened to and understood. It is unfortunate that the gueenofthecouch needs foul language to help get her point across. I would have more respect for her opinions if she spoke english with out the use of expletives.

    the undersigned
    Feb 15, 2012 @ 18:38:03

    fuck off, ed”

    I’m not trying to pick on Ed, but yeah, sometimes you do need to use foul language to get a point across. Because. It. Gets. The. Fucking. Point…..Across.

    Nicely done and congrats on being freshly pressed.

  154. I think you have quite a bit of people backing you up and I am one of them. I find your article incredibly engaging, humorous and relatable. I personally feel that foul language online is a way for parents to vent before using in front of kids, which in turn has them repeating it. Kudos to you! For all the people offended, well the best solution is that you not read her blog or follow her blog or send it to others. If you are so severely insulted by language, you’re probably not meant to be here. Blogs are made for like minded people. I for one read because this is the same manner I would think/react/be. Again, way to be on the ball and keep on parenting however you see fit, just as everyone should do.

  155. Thank you for writing this article I agree with all of it. My only concern is that now a days when you tell your child to defend themselves, they are the ones getting sent to detention, and that is why a lot of kids are scared to strike back.

  156. Haha, reminds me of that guy who threw a stink bomb at me, when we were ten. My mom confronted his mom, who came with that exact same ‘bs’. My mom didn’t buy it nor did I… Glad for that, in my teenage and adult life I can say I was quite capable of establishing boundaries – to a point where m class mates – boys but even some girls) told me, I’d never get a guy acting like that. And I was like: If there are only guys like you around – lucky me. Turned out, there are also nice guys walking on this planet :-)
    That said, I and my then bff, were also guilty of bossing around a boy for some time when I was 6 or 7. Not proud of that and my mom reprimanded me strongly when she learnt it. It really goes both ways, though I’d say more often than not boys are the ‘bad guys’.

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  158. Thank you for your very well written, and extremely insightful article.
    I’m ashamed to say I’ve said that in the past. Yes, I admit it. I was raised hearing that response when something happened to me. My only salve is that I’ve never said it to a little girl, but in conversations with moms, and perhaps dads, dealing with frustration over distressing unwanted aggressive physical attention toward their daughters, usually at school.
    I so greatly appreciate your taking the time to write out your thoughts. This apparently is one of those deeply ingrained automatic responses, the type of which I have been ridding myself over the last several years. Somewhere I knew this attitude was wrong, as I was careful to raise my son to show respect, or at the very least, no disrespect, to other people, including his schoolmates. He has always been a kind person, clearly and reportedly gentle and respectful of the women in his life.
    Well, now I’m off to dig around in my head to see what other twisted thoughts might be hiding there, buried under fifty years of human interaction.
    Again, my sincere thanks.

  159. As the mother of two impulsive toddlers. I can see both of my children “getting to close, pushing or shoving to get attention.” I would not disagree with any child who chose to push back, etc. I think kids learn best from interactions like this. If I had daughters I would not condone another child’s aggression. As a social worker this mentality of asserting onself whenever you are wronged is a little dangerous. It may work when your child is young or when the offender is caught off guard but I have seen over an over how an inability to back down or suffer a wrong done to you creates more violence. I know of at least two teens killed in a fight that escalated beyond both children’s ability to cope. Violence creates violence. Aggression creates more aggression. I think as parents we have to teach assertiveness and also the ability to separate themselves from the actions of others.

  160. Queen of the couch, you have really hit the tip of a massive iceberg here! There are so many things that we are teaching the younger generations without knowing it. If I may, an example: I took a young friend shopping a while back, and watched as she negatively commented on her body the whole time she tried on clothes. I wondered where this idea that people would so critically assess her outfit came from, until I realized after shopping with some of my “own age” friends how surely the comments, “Wow, check out those cream cheese legs! Eek!”, “Oh look at that, couldn’t she get it any shorter?” and “Who let him out dressed like that?” could certainly lead to the opinion that everyone would be judging her.
    Now I am not saying I said all, or any of these comments to my young, or own age friend, the point is, I’m sure at some point I have made similar comments, and no doubt at some point some young impressionable mind was listening.
    This is just a small example of one of the many things that we are unknowingly teaching our youth, overtly judging others (choice of clothing, looks, eating patterns, behavior, life choices etc) gives the impression, you will be judged. There are so many subtle ways that we shape children’s lives, through our actions, our words, the things we do say, and the things we don’t say.
    I don’t believe, as was suggested, that you are suggesting domestic violence is in anyway the victims fault, but rather that we need to be aware of just how impressionable children are.

  161. Writing 101: Write to your target audience. Logically speaking, your audience is not going to include everyone in the world. It’s impossible for one style of writing to appeal to everyone. Get over the profanity already.

  162. What i do not realize is if truth be told how you are now not actually much more well-favored than you might be right now. You are very intelligent. You realize therefore considerably in terms of this topic, produced me in my view imagine it from numerous numerous angles. Its like women and men don’t seem to be involved until it is one thing to accomplish with Lady gaga! Your own stuffs nice. Always care for it up!

  163. Absolutely fabulous post! I have shared it on Facebook, and have had women reply that they’ve “never thought about it that way, but she’s right.” The practice is so embedded in the culture that women don’t even notice it. I believe this is intimately connected with the current attacks on women’s rights, healthcare, and access to birth control. Women are standing up for themselves, and those in power have reacted by trying to push them back down. This struggle is unwittingly reflected across the culture by men who care for the women in their lives, but have never been taught that this behavior is harmful. The empowerment of one does not necessarily destroy the power of another. It is sad that we still have those in our world who cannot understand this.

    Thank you for this essay. I have shared it with my daughter, my son, my husband, and anyone who will take my recommendation to read it.

    (And just for the record, as far as I’m concerned, language is a TOOL, and profanity is one of the tools in the toolbox. To get hung up on what *society* has deemed a cuss word is missing the whole point!)

  164. I can’t believe the fucking whiners in these comments. They’ve arbitrarily decided some words are not acceptable in polite company…what the hell is that list based upon? How the fuck is the word “poo” acceptable if “shit” is not? They mean the same damn thing.
    It’s the intent and meaning of words that matter not whether they’re on some taboo list you set up at random.
    Idiots.

  165. I taught my daughters that it was best to diffuse a bullying/teasing situation with a joke. The one I recommended was:
    “Knock, knock”
    “Who’s there”
    “Shut the fuck up!”

  166. Makes perfect sense to me. When I was in 1st grade, I had a “love”. No hair pulling, no pushing, no punching… Just smiling and talking and feeling awkward on both sides. That is by far the exception, however, and there is absolutely no reason for things to be that way.

    Likewise, there is absolutely no reason that queenofthecouch can’t get angry and swear in her post. That’s what people do when they’re angry. Maybe what really bothers certain people is not the language itself, but the fact that qotc saw something wrong and cared enough about her child to try and actually DO something about it. That’s more than we can say for most people, I’m afraid.

  167. Boys do show affection in that way sometimes…
    But that doesn’t mean girls have to put up with it.
    Boys should grow up and learn to treat girls nicely, not the other way round. So yeah, well put.

  168. What started off as a sound argument and an interesting premise really became tortuous to read. Saying that you would beat parents up and calling little children assholes is very disrespectful. In fact I find here you are trying to fight violence with violence and that isn’t a message I think anyone should see. So while I thought initially this was going to be an interesting read, it quickly became something I couldn’t stomach finishing, and I didn’t, This was passed on to me by a friend, but it stops here with me.

  169. There are some interesting points in time in this article but I donft know if I see all of them center to heart. There is some validity but I will take hold opinion until I look into it further. Good article , thanks and we want more! Added to FeedBurner as well

  170. So, I read your other posts that came after this one. I realized that they were probably pertaining to this article.

    1- I loved this and shared it with all of my friends. It is being circulated through fb, reddit, and i’m sure many more sites.

    2-I did a search for the word ‘fuck’ and I love how i got 100 matches, and only 2 of those were from your article. The rest are from your readers. idk about you but i find it fucking hilarious.

    keep up the good fucking work ;)

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  172. Why can’t I just do my homework and not follow stupid links on facebook, get annoyed and comment?

    Is this a fucking South Park episode? It seems from scanning the comments that almost everybody falls into some comically extreme polar side of what is for some reason being turned into a complex issue, ostensibly because you all also have homework to do and are merely procrastinating with idiotic blog posts. Yes, boys should be disciplined so they don’t grow up to be jackasses who are unable to properly express their feelings. However, any remotely functional person learns to figure out the difference between abuse and playful teasing over time. They learn this mostly on their own, with guidance from parents, friends, etc.

    Also, I’d really, REALLY love to be a fly on the wall when you confront two intelligent and responsible adults and explain to them that their ten year old son is an “asshole”.

    • “Also, I’d really, REALLY love to be a fly on the wall when you confront two intelligent and responsible adults and explain to them that their ten year old son is an “asshole”.”

      I would as well. When presented with enculturated shaming language by post-feminists, even directed at children (gotta get them young or they’ll turn into rapists or Bill Maher),even the mothers will go haywire. I would, too. If a woman had shamed my sons for being kids I would’ve given her a broken jaw.

  173. I believe you are over reacting… there is a fine line between playful and physical abuse. You dont seem to see the difference. Also, if you hold your daughters hand her whole life, she will become dependent on you to protect her and when you are not there, she wont know what to do. Kids need to learn how to deal with problems themselves and only need intervention if necessary. dont over react to some simple child play.

  174. Thank you for this… the message that our society needs to “get” is that violence is NEVER an acceptable behavior, and those that perpetrate violence are nothing but bullies who are ASSAULTING someone–committing a crime, and should be treated like they are committing a crime.

  175. My daughter gets pushed/punched/bullied by the “boys who like her”. After a lot of “well, did you tell the teacher?” “Yes, all that happened was he had to stay in next recess” and then the poor behaviour started again… I taught her to hit back. Turns out hte boys don’t like getting punched by a girl in front of their friends. Who knew ;).
    And yeah, I know she might get suspended for “fighting”. If the principal can’t fathom self defence from a girl that’s just fine. She can stay home. We’ll go for ice cream, it will be great!

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  177. JC Miller has the only criticism of this Blog that actually appears relevant… who cares about the profanity… Miller offers excellent suggestions regarding student’s communication with authority figures and how that effects a child’s development etc. Please see Miller’s criticism. It’s good and thoughtful, unlike all this other tripe about profanity.

  178. I see you have about 894 comments and maybe you don’t need one more, but I would still like to say thank you for addressing this issue. Our society does a lot to teach girls and women to just roll over and accept bad behavior, and this is certainly one of the ways that is maintained. It won’t stop unless we stop it. Good for you for teaching your daughter that violence isn’t cute, it isn’t a valid way to express affection, and it isn’t acceptable. Period.

  179. Great post. This is one of those shitty things parents teach their kids and always have that needs to be questioned. I was closer to my mother as a kid and escaped the macho programming of other boys. Any girl I liked got a poem or a kiss. As an adult, I’ve become a teacher and am sad to see the silencing of girls and violencing of boys is still accepted practice. Keep shaking things up, and if people had punched me when I was a kid, I’d feel like swearing too!!

  180. As someone who unfortunately invokes the expletives railed against in some of the comments here I have to say as unprofessional as it may sound Ina blog treating precious little girls violently is WAY worse a crime. Please people keep the authors extremely valid point in perspective. I remember being a bully when I was a kid and engaging in violent behaviors towards one girl in particular and I shudder at the age of 38 at what I did when I was a preteen. I so wish I could go back in time and confront myself. God help any kid I find bulling my kids! Bullying causes issues that are lifelong and I know of people who have NEVER recovered fully from the mental anguish. Swearing can be dealt with and handled much better!

  181. Great fucking blog and wow there are a lot of fucking comments! Here’s my fifty cents for the swear jar. Aww fuck it run a tab and keep my $5.

    So is this why nice guys finish last, because women are looking for the bullies?

  182. I read about 6 comments before I decided to stop and write my own comment. I have to say, I am a bit frustrated by those wishing to censor the blogger’s use of “expletives.” That, to me, is very much beside the point and distracts from the point of her expression. I greatly appreciate this as a woman, a grown woman who has been in an abusive relationship, who was bullied frequently throughout my life and was brushed off dismissively in such ways. Why on earth does it matter if she says FUCK? It is an expression of frustration and anger around the issue; if that what offends you in this article, what a privileged and fortunate life you lead. It is her choice to express herself in this manner, and as someone above pointed out, if you don’t like the swearing, substitute for something else. I didn’t find it the least bit gratuitous or offensive, and believe me, I was raised to think cursing was this horrid thing that would send me straight to hell, but there is a context here…and so, naturally, this is not what she is saying this word for word to her daughter. Anyone is, of course, free to be offended, so continue on, but I for one want to say thank-you, and only wish the adults in my life, past and present, had stood up for me and thought I deserved respect, and that it wasn’t acceptable for people to verbally/physically/sexually abuse me.

  183. Thank you for posting this. I have two daughters and have struggled with trying to teach them how to stand up for themselves against bullies (male or female). I have had issues with the schools they attend not giving a damn a blowing it off. Your message has opened my eyes and made me realize that if I don’t do something more to stand up for my children they will never learn to stand up for themselves. Thank you for the good message and the reminder. And you should also thank Break It Down Pete. I wouldn’t have know about this post if I hadn’t been subscribed to his blog and he reposted it.

  184. I haven’t read through all the comments, but I do agree that we should not be telling little girls that this is ok. I am a mom of two boys. Two very respectful boys. We have always taught them to never hit a girl under any circumstance. I have told them, if a boy hits you first, punch the shit out of him. If a girl hits you, walk away and tell an adult. So, my point is, let’s also teach our girls to have the same respect for the opposite sex.

  185. People give the same explaination for girls being mean to boys. And it’s true. When children that age like someone, they sometimes are mean to that person because they are still in that age-group where socializing with the opposite sex is a huge faux-pas!

    I would never make a post about how telling a boy that a girl who is being mean to him actually likes her is indocrtinating him with wanting abuse. Your argument is way off base.

  186. But…. when girls hit me, sometimes it meant they liked me. I didnt hit girls, I found other ways to show my affections. Still, telling your child to ignore the motivations and context of an action.
    I was allowed to hit back in self defense- and if I hadnt know it was self defense I might have broken a few young ladies noses in the second grade.
    My point is that accurate information is key- your child will make their own decisions, so dont you owe it to them to be accurate?

  187. Ed makes and extremely important point. When we are young we get more information about how to emotionally respond and even HOW we ought to be be effected by social interactions from our parents than anyone else. Mom here is teacher her daughter to feel victimized and insulted. ALL children, boys and girls have difficulty with impulse control and knowing how to treat others when they have a keen interest but no common ground. Should a child grab silly bands, no, is this domestic violence against women, no. It’s an impuls control problem…. Just as the language used in the article shows inpulse control issues. Of course children need to be guided towards better social behavior (as this author needs guidance toward better social behavior i.e. Appropriate language and conflict resolution.) Parents should not teach their CHILDREN( notice I didn’t say girls) to accept aggressive behavior… Nor should they teach their children to feel like victims and treat the world with hostility and suspicion. Conflicts like this are a grand opportunity to teach a child how to handle social conflict and how to maintain their control and dignity throughout a disagreement. In fact, in the years ahead you may very well have raised the aggrasive abusive person… And that little boy who wanted the silly bands, if his parents calmly guided him towards better control may very well be the better person. Parenting is a long road. We can never… Not even as adults…control what others do but we can always control who we are in the situation.

  188. As the mother of two 20-ish young women, I dealt with this issue firsthand, at least with one of them. My older daughter was chunky, and so easily became a target. In her sophomore year, this one asshole kid bugged her all the time without provocation, and I don’t think it was because ‘he liked her.’ After a cooking class incident involving blowing kisses while talking shit to her, I told the teacher “Deal with it directly or else get asshole’s parents in so we can all have a little come-to-Jesus chat.”

    Another jerk-off chased her home from the bus a few times, throwing apples…another unprovoked incident from a member of Future Wife-Beaters of America.

    Here’s the deal: you plant corn, you grow corn…so it’s still sort of ‘okay’ for boys to be raised not to respect girls. It is not okay. It is not unrequited feelings: It’s bullshit from idiot parents.

    p.s. Don’t apologize for expressing yourself. This is a blog. If you don’t like the language folks, read different blogs. Duh.

  189. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Since when did this line of crap start? Also, since when should we keep up with the idea that a guy who shows no interest in you actually likes you? And that he will run to get to the airport to FINALLY tell you that he loves you? Thanks 80s movies….for nothing. xoxo, Pola

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  191. Wow, I just sucked into all these comments, many of which are completely ridiculous! Some people need to get a grip; I would bet money the conversation she had with her children sounded quite different than the commentary she posted in her blog. This post is meant for adults, who should understand when sarcasm is being used. Regardless, this is a great post and needed to be said. Too often we sweep these issues under the rug. Women are criticized for staying with abusers but we rarely look at the root of the problem, and this is it. Gender roles are engrained in our minds from such a young age, and the problem is that those roles were created by a male-dominated society. EVERYONE should read this, not just parents! I’m not a parent yet, but if I hadn’t been taught as a kid that teasing means guys liked me, it would have saved a lot of confusion in my adult life. Thanks for speaking up!

  192. FUCK YEAH! and you are the first blog i have said FUCK YEAH to. so incredibly well said. hear, hear. and if you need any backup on any a** whooping you need to give…just let sweet mother know.

  193. Once upon a time, boys pushed girls. Once upon a time, girls got in a huddle and whispered and giggled about boys. The boys’ behavior made the girls feel bad, and the girls’ behavior made the boys feel bad. It was because neither the boys nor the girls were comfortable talking to each other. They were, well, different. And when they grew up, not much changed. Some of the boys still pushed the girls, and some of the girls still whispered and giggled about the boys. And a lot of them felt no different than they did when they were little kids. End of story?

  194. Well… wow… just wow! I’ve been wanting to comment on this particular post and my head is still spinning from days of reading all the comments. Silly people who don’t like the language if you haven’t moved on yet just either get on with it or accept you like what you read on some level and leave it ALONE already!

    I actually can only recall maybe a couple times anyone ever told me that boys express their like for me or other girls by being mean or hurtful. My own mother was the one who said it. Sorrowfully I believed it. Lovely… the one woman I looked up to the most in my childhood years. /rolls eyes/ She also told me when I was in Elementary school that I was a “PT”. Again lovely. If you don’t know what a PT is… my wonderful and holy, catholic mother was telling me I was a Prick Tease. Thanks mom. /hides head in dire embarrassment/ (This was supposed to be a compliment?!) I wore sack cloth and ashes from that point on. It’s nothing short of a miracle I ever attracted a man and got married (which thankfully I did both).

    The thing that hurt the most all of my life was that she let my own older brother’s not only belittle me and call me “pig” and other ugly names… but they were allowed to physically hurt me all in the name of /let’s say it together/ L-O-V-E. That’s how they show love…. ugh. Furthermore she would tell me they don’t know any better. (And who was teaching them I might wonder… ?)

    Well I personally hung on every word in this blog post, swearing and all. It was nothing sort of a miracle snap. How perfectly put. Thank you.

  195. Its not really true. Eve teasing is entirely different than flirting. Let’s differentiate. The later is not abusive not intrusive and not unrespectful. Time to say big NO!

  196. I so agree with this! Our daughters, sisters, mothers, etc should never have to put up with being put down, degraded, etc…
    My New wife thinks I have the biggest heart in the world… I do have a large heart, but what makes her think this, is she lived with some ASShole for 13 years and he beat her, put her down, belittled her in front of the kids…
    Well those boys have learned in the last year, they don’t think of their mom or anyone else, male or female, or I Will beat their ass!
    Thanks for the great blog!

  197. this is so true i have told my daughter who is 8 and at school if she is hit tell a teacher if teacher does nothing she has my permission to hit back and when the teacher tells her off like i know they will then send the teacher to me and it will be my turn

  198. Damn girl, you tell ‘em! Love this post. I never even thought about it like this, but then again I don’t have a kid so it’s not an issue that’s in my face. But now I know what perspective I’m gonna take when I do have one =P

  199. All you whiney cocksuckers crying about “bad language”…fuck off!
    No one cares to know just how big of a pussy you are. You know what a “bad word” is? FORCLOSURE. Or how about HUMAN RESOURCES. You wanna bitch? Bitch about real shit. Or gtfo.

  200. The author of this post must also be outraged when male toddlers throw temper tantrums and hit their mothers. Why would any woman stand up for such violence. It’s time to hold boys to account for their behaviour towards women irregardless of age.

  201. Sadly I agree with the – it’s a little, little boy theory. We, no one advocates violence, a grown man should not do such things and I will go one farther – even if it is deserved. Wait, think and hear me out. I have seen women beat on men, I have seen men get arrested because an abusive women tricked, pushed, prodded him to hit her. I watched a family member get beat up by his wife and the police took him away in handcuffs.
    With that said, I will share with you what I told my daughter: little, little boys have a hard time knowing how to share emotions and sometimes do stupid things to get your attention – but if a boy hits you – kick him in the soap box [ do i have to explain ]…..

  202. Mommy! Mikey pushed me!
    WHat? Who’s Mikey?
    At SCHOOL, Mommy!
    Did you fall down when he pushed you?
    u-huh
    Do you need a kiss to make it better?
    ‘K
    Did you cry?
    u-Huh
    Awww Sweetie, what else happened?
    huh?
    Did something happen before? Was there an argument?
    No
    Then why did Mikey push you?
    ‘Cuz he likes me!
    Now who told you that?
    Teacher!
    Well, Teacher was being really silly. That’s NOT what pushing means at all.
    Huh?
    What it means is that nobody ever taught Mikey how to talk to girls.
    Huh? Mommy, Mikey talks alla time!
    But he doesn’t know how to talk to girls who aren’t his Mommy, or Teacher. So because he didn’t know better, the only thing that occured to him was to push you. Which is really kinda sad, cuz I’ll bet now, nobody wants to be near Mikey at all, do they?
    No.
    Well, tomorrow, I’ll go to school with you. I’ll talk to your teacher about using the right words, and you talk to Mikey.
    What do I say?
    You say that talking to girls is just like talking to boys, and you say that pushing is bad. And you say if he wants to talk, just say hi or good morning, but if he ever pushes you again…
    That I won’t EVER play with him again, even if he does ‘pologiyz.
    EXACTLY!

  203. I would need to take a week off work to read it all – I started and my head started to hurt after several comments. I will come back and read it all a bit at a time, but want to at least chime in at this point.

    Little boys don’t pick on little girls to show affection; they do it to bond with little boys and begin the process of exercising power over women when they become men.

    Little girls should defend themselves, and as they get older, should learn how to, but as a last resort, not a first response. Violence in adult male-female relationships is a serious social problem; the acceptance and expectation of it should not be learned in childhood. .

    Education at home and school is the answer – not so much in response to occurrences, but as part of basic life skill learning. I would say most of this process has to happen at school, where policy is system wide. Sad to say, in many homes, children will see violence practiced in many forms: if not physical, then verbal; if not verbal, then in decision making and control of finances. In many homes, little girls learn to be powerless. Early childhood education needs to be more than learning how to spell and do arithmetic, it needs to empower and teach respect and equality between boys and girls.

    Since i wish to add emphasis and demonstrate my outrage of the acceptance of the ‘boys will be boys’ attitude, I will simply say that I was a boy who had to unlearn this crap, and those of you who accept it can go fuck yourselves.

  204. Great post, have re-posted it on both fb and my blog. It´s such an important issue and I think for a lot of people it will help just reading something like this to get them thinking, since the majority of people don´t say this to be mean but just because they don´t realize what they´re actually telling their kids.

  205. I would try to avoid placing a 10yo elementary school situation into an adult context. Here is what was happening when I was a kid:

    A 10yo boy is not *allowed* to like girls else his friends will ostracize him, tease him, call him names, and bully him. “Billy likes GIRLS!” isn’t something a 10yo boy wants to hear from his peers. And this is not anything anyone had to teach them. Nobody sat them down and said they weren’t supposed to like girls. Little boys and little girls just seem to naturally sort themselves at that age with some exceptions.

    Now the boy is in an odd situation. He has noticed you, he wants you to notice him. He likes you but doesn’t know if you like him. He can’t be affectionate. If he gets caught holding your hand his name is mud. So he throws a pebble at you and when you look at him, maybe he smiles at you and runs away.

    By the time the boy gets to 7th grade or so, it becomes cool to like girls and these playground antics fade. The boys that are affectionate with girls are then the envy of their peers and the ones that DON’T have a girlfriend begin to become the target of some ridicule. It is a mechanism by which group behavior is enforced by peer pressure of the group. Joey and Bobby don’t like girls and so will Billy is seen as taking a shine to one, they tease him. But later when it becomes both Billy and Bobby who like girls and Joey is the odd man out, the tables turn and Joey gets teased because he doesn’t have a girlfriend.

    We are getting very close to completely messing up interactions between boys and girls in public schools. We have cases where an elementary school game of tag results in “sexual assault” charges against a 6yo when he touches someone where it isn’t supposed to but it was a game of tag and it was probably the only place where he could reach. We are starting to drag these children’s situations into our own reality rather than seeing in the context of their reality. We are projecting our own dramas, insecurities, and motives on kids just being kids.

    Now this is not to say that SOME boys do not outgrow this, or more likely, they experience an abusive situation in their own home and have come to accept that as how relationships are supposed to work. In those cases, this playground activity can certainly get out of hand where the boy might believe it is acceptable to physically BEAT on someone for fun. But that isn’t what is happening in 99% of cases.

    Also, the society believes that only men can be abusive in relationships. Having spent 10 years in a relationship with an abusive female (eventually diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, now deceased ) I can tell you with absolute certainty that there are some pretty darned abusive women out there, too. Probably many more than men are willing to admit because they are afraid they will look like sissies and there really isn’t much cultural support for an abused male. A couple with children may find a man suffering through abuse for the same reason many women suffer thought it … for the kids. But a man trying to get children away from their mother is still much more difficult than the other direction. A man who loves his children may suffer an abusive relationship. It they are unmarried it is even worse. I am willing to bet a coke and a hamburger that abused men are under reported in the statistic by probably something close to 90% because they don’t speak up.

    Playground antics don’t lead to abusive relationships though they can provide situational cover for a child who has come to believe that abuse in relationships between men and women is “normal”. In that case, changing the behavior on the playground isn’t going to stop abusive males, it is simply going to result in the well adjusted boys engaging in affectionate behavior with girls later rather than sooner. . It isn’t the playground activity that is causing it, it is the living room activity at home that is doing it.

  206. “If you try and feed MY daughter that crap, you better bring protective gear because I am going to shower you with the brand of “affection” you are endorsing.”

    So you are advocating violence on a 10-year-old by an adult – specifically you? Whoops. Probably not a great idea. Agree with the concept of the post, but not the violence.

  207. Youre so cool! I dont suppose I’ve read anything like this before. So nice to find somebody with some original thoughts on this subject. Really thank you for starting this up. This website is something that is needed on the web, someone with a little originality. Useful job for bringing something new to the internet!

  208. I grew up in the 60′s.

    When I was 4 years old and at my first day of nursery school, a boy shoved me off the upright tire propped up in the sand. I recall landed hard, stunned for a moment. The kid was laughing.

    Perhaps it is because I was raised with 3 older brothers, but my reaction wasn’t to complain to the yard teacher. I retaliated,, knocking the boy down, sat on him and commenced throwing rabbit punches to his chest.

    Of course, the teacher broke it up and my mom was called and told that I was fighting.

    My mom was very embarrassed and didn’t take me back to that nursery school.

    I had a couple of other incidents like that in school. Always, it was another student,, a boy, who bullied me.

    Sometimes, my retaliation was caught and punished, sometimes,, it wasn’t.

    The last time it happened, I managed to roundhouse kick a boy in the crotch.

    Amazingly, that stopped all the bullying. It was especially nice that I didn’t get caught for that one.

    The messages that I got from the teachers was always that I shouldn’t retaliate…just tattle.

    Like that is ever effective.

    For boys, having their dads and moms give them permission to defend themselves is huge. Why is it so had for people to give their daughters permission to defend themselves?

  209. Fuck, fuck, fuck. There. Now u all know that I am not a prude with issues about self-expression. The fact remains, however, that the content and tone of this blog are conflicted.

  210. A very well written article, with some very well written responses. Although I was not offended by the language (because I swear like a trucker), I understand that it stymies the ability to share it with our children or use it in the school system. But personally for me? The article was poignant and I applaud Queen of the Couch!!

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  213. Hi,
    I don’t know if you still read every comment (and if you do, kudos !) but I would like to request permission to translate that text in French and post it on the net, either on your website or on a Facebook note – of course with your name all over it. I am a professional translator and a feminist, and I think your text was brilliant. The first thing I wanted to do was show it to my sister who has kids (I don’t), or one of my friends who just had a daughter, but both these girls don’t speak or read english. I really wish we could help that text spread in France, I am sure a lot of people could learn something with it.
    Please contact me if you would agree to that !
    Corinne

  214. Love this article. Thanks for being angry!

    When I was in those shoes 30 years ago.. and being tormented by one boy in my class… and my mom went to speak to my asshole grade 6 teacher (Mr. Merson was just a grade 6 bully in a grown man’s body) .. he didn’t even bother with suggesting that Jim had a crush on me… he told my mom that I had a crush on Jim which is why I was coming home talking about him all the time. My mom was embarrased I think and shamed me. In fact, I was so shamed by the experience that I never ever again told about harassing behaviour.. even as a teen when I was sexually assaulted at a party and as a young woman when my boyfriend put his fist through the wall next to my head. Don’t worry.. I got free of all of that and trained to be a counselor … started my career 20 years ago working with abused teenage girls. :-)

    Today with a pre-teen daughter I see these scenarios playing out all over again. I also see where the lines can get blurry and confusing. My daughter has a crush on a boy and it might be mutual… but they seem to indicate it by chasing each all over the playground and I think this has escalated to name calling at times. We are in constant conversation about appropriate behaviour, showing kindness, appropriate touch (it is not okay to get his attention by slapping him on the arm when he walks by ….) and an important part of that is honoring the normal developmental and confusing sexual feelings that kids have for each other (girls for boys, boys for girls, girls for other girls, boys for other boys) and helping them to communicate in respectful ways with each other. It is hard hard work and it starts at home… it also starts with believing and defending your kids when they tell you something is wrong.

    thanks again.. I will share this widely. I don’t think I know anyone whose eyes wil fall out because of your passionate use of language When I read it to my daughter I am capable of toning down the adult words for her ears. :-)

  215. As a mom of two boys, i have a mixed reaction. First, i see my own boys ramp up the personality on girls they really like. They just do. So there really us some truth to that part of things. But that doesn’t mean that the girls in question need to accept it. Girls, let those boys know what’s OK and what’s not. And as the mother of those boys, I’ll be the one at home shrugging my shoulders and telling them they need to learn a better way if they want a girl’s affection.

  216. QotC,

    Excellent post! There is absolutely no excuse, ever, for treating someone like shit “as a sign of affection”.

    On a related point – I’ve seen so many marriages fail because one partner or the other is a bully. This can be quite direct – ordering your spouse about (“Don’t swear!” – “Pull yourself together!”) – hitting them – throwing things. Or it can be quite subtle – ignoring their need for comfort when in pain or in the grip of negative emotions – constantly letting off deprecating comments and once the other person has been induced to bite back responding with “Can’t you take a joke?”. These behaviours (and everything in between which hurts and demeans the other partner) are a direct application of the messages enforced in childhood, in just the way you are speaking out against.

    The only thing I don’t entirely agree with about your article is the implication that boys are the antagonists. I have a son about the same age as your daughter. He was bullied at school by both kids and teachers – by kids for being too kind and good-natured (which meant he didn’t fit in with the boys’ cliques, and was taken advantage of by the girls’ cliques), and by teachers. The latter was particularly hurtful for us: teachers in a state school prioritised “fitting in with the rest of the class” over bringing up decent human beings, teachers in private schools didn’t want to be involved in the daily battles in case they upset someone prosperous. The fact that he is articulate and not shy of speaking to adults as a peer probably didn’t help, but that’s another story.

    And finally, your daughter is a lucky girl for having such a devoted mother! Well done to you, it’s a labour of love that never ends.

  217. QotC,

    You may be the world’s best mom, and you are certainly my hero. this is a long-overdue message, and you address it head on with clarity and great humor. Well done!

    And somehow I don’t feel you need either my disapprobation for profanity or my somehow demeaning “approval” for profanity … I’m pretty sure you couldn’t care less what I or anyone else think about your language. Which also completely fucking rocks!

    And funnil

  218. I haven’t looked in on the comments for this in a couple of days…it got kinda ugly at that point and completely outside the entire subject. I was actually surprised to see that comments were still open! Balls of Steel award to you for that! I don’t have anything derogatory to say, which at this point makes me kinda lame, but whatever….I do disagree with your point, and actually wrote a post about it on my own blog, but I’ve been a longtime follower and a difference in opinion on one subject is no reason to stop enjoying your wit and candor. Thank you for uttering all those swears we mumble under our breath on a daily basis! =)

  219. I fully agree with this article. To all of you who can’t seem to get past the language, get over it. There is not one word in this article that does not have a defined place in our vocabulary. I find it distasteful when people misspell colour or flavour, but you don’t see me complaining. You know why? Because the alternate spelling(without the u) is has a defined space in our vocabulary. They are words. Tittie Sparkles.

  220. Dear Queenofthecouch:

    I’m impressed at the sheer number of responses with several of them quite thought out and lengthy. Great job getting people to think and actually take their time to consider what you wrote and take it the next step and respond.

    A grateful grandma in Wisconsin

  221. It’s apparent from many of your commentators that they have never been bullied. I found it quite sad they they were so hung up on language and grammar they lost the point of the post.
    I am glad to see that many others did get the point and it gave them food for thought.

    I was terribly bullied from about 3 grade through Jr High. In the beginning I told my mom and her response was “they like you and don’t know how else to tell you” or “ask them why….”
    The last time I told my mom about a bullying incident was when some neighbor boys dropped a dead bird down my shirt when I was walking home from school. I came home in tears. She drove me to their house and had me go up to their door, alone, to tell the parents and ask for an apology. I never trusted her again.

    In grade school, she never knew that I changed my route home every couple days, sometimes walking blocks out of the way to avoid certain boys, or give them time to get home first.
    In Jr High she never knew I walked the extra distance to take a different bus to school. She Never knew about the boys at the bus stop who carried “pussy scratchers” (coat hanger untwisted with a hook on the end, that they would reach between your legs and pull back real fast). She never understood why I avoided all my peers and never attended school events. She didn’t know about the older girl who use to threaten me if I rode a certain bus. She and the teacher never understood why I had a sudden change of heart in Choir; because I was constantly being pushed off the risers by the other girls. She didn’t know I spent my lunch hours in the library to escape the bullying.

    She never knew that my decision to not have children, was in part because I never wanted a child to have to go through what i did in school. It took me many years to understand that my mom did the best she could. I know she didn’t mean to make matters worse, and probably had no idea how to help. It use to scare me to death that I would have a child that was going through the same thing and I had no idea how to help, because I honestly don’t know what could have been done different to help me.

    Do I have scars from my childhood? Hell yes!
    But I survived.
    There are no easy answers.

    • Kim, your story makes me so sad. I want to reach back in time and hug the child you were, and somehow make it all right. And that coat hanger-rape thing – horrifying! I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised anymore, but it never ceases to amaze me how much creativity human beings, both adult and juvenile, will put into torturing one another.

      Is there any possibility of your going for psychotherapy? It’s pricey, especially if insurance doesn’t cover, and it’s not the be-all, end-all solution to everything, but it sure has done a lot of good for me, just having a rational, non-judgmental person listen, and let me know that certain things that were done to me were NOT okay, NOT normal, and NOT my fault. Anyway, however you choose to attend to the scars from your past, I wish you peace.

  222. Amusing and a very valid point. Even more disturbing is that these little boys grow up to be……well using the term loosely….”men”. A 40 year old bully leaves alot to be desired, especially with their mom standing behind them still supporting and encouraging their lack of respect.

  223. Someday someone is going to push your daughter’s head up against a wall and fuck her in the ass.
    And she’s going to like it.
    Just like you do.

  224. I don’t see any reason for arguing over the swearing in this post. If you like the point, but not a few four letter words, substitute suitable words or just delete them and then redistribute. Are people really so lazy they can’t find the time to edit something that has already been well articulated so that it is appropriate to any audience they want to share it with? I also agree with Michael, though he made his point in an extremely disrespectful way, that teasing and bullying happens to boys to and sometimes it’s girls doing it to them. We need to teach or kids to respect each other, regardless of gender. And, since it is so pervasive, can’t we teach or kids to respond to being fed the line “he just likes you” with “then he can have the respect and the guts to tell me so or he doesn’t deserve my respect”?

  225. Ok – have you watched the girls on the playground in 4th grade? They tease, they giggle, they whisper – and boys are told – “oh don’t pay any attention – they are just girls. And, they are also told “She must like you!” Of course, this is said NOT to make the boy feel better – but to shame and/or embaras him into NOT complaining about the girl -behavior. Trust me, it happens all the time. Boys AND girls need a better education about how to communicate with the opposite gender. Right now, boys can’t win — if they ignore the girls – they get in trouble – if they let them play kickball and play physically like they do w/boys — therefore, treating them like “equals” – they are told to be gentle. If they go easy on the girls, other boys get upset OR the girls feel “weaker”. C’mon people, we are all in this together – boys get just as confused and hurt and unsure as girls.

    And, mama – watch your own anger – your daughter will learn more from you than all the pesky, rude boys on the playground. Thanks.

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  227. With all these comments, I don’t know if you’ll even see mine, but I want to tell you thank you with all my heart. I was told this crap all my life, and have even found myself spewing it to my nieces when they were small. It’s insane the way it is INGRAINED in our psyches. This article really CHANGED me, and I will never spew the “it’s because he likes you” nonsense ever again. Wrong is wrong, unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior, regardless of the reason (or excuse) behind it. I thank you, and my three-year-old daughter thanks you.

  228. I think that this post is right on the money, and focusing so pointedly on the author’s use of profanity is sort of missing the boat. Her strong language reads to me as an indication of the strength of her feelings regarding the violence of the ideology that she perceives her daughter to be unwittingly exposed to throughout the course of “normal, polite” society. It also comes through to me as a simple mechanism for garnering attention. Sanitize as needed for distribution, discuss without offering direct quotes, but please consider taking the ultimate point away with you and incorporating it into your own thinking in a way that can be useful in terms of developing awareness of this honestly destructive message that we carelessly offer to our young women.

  229. Maybe the people explaining that the language of the piece makes it difficult to share should be given credit for wanting to share it in the first place? Just a thought. (Yes, you can change it if you want to print it out. If, however, you want to Do The Right Thing and cite the author, you either keep it as is or provide the url with the caveat that the language is not considered polite.)

    I’m not trawling through all the comments, as there seems to be a lot of jumping down each other’s throats going on. It’s really good, though, to see that so many people – regardless of age or gender identity – are planning to act on the wise observation that disempowering our kids by teaching them to ignore their gut instincts starts early.

    This is a fine piece. It articulates a really important point, and I’m glad someone I know knew me well enough to enthusiastically recommend I read it. I’ll be keeping a hawkeye on the kids in my life so I can support them when bullying inevitably starts.

  230. my mother taught me well – at primary school i was bullied by a boy who punched me in the stomach – i gavehim a back eye and he never bothered me again

    vlad – young boys yousay? well maybe you need to teach young boys how to express themselves properly instead of thinking that being obnoxious is the way to get attention

  231. I’d like to see somebody punch you in the face really really hard so you’d shut your ignorant mouth. That’s the problem man…….any idiot with a computer can spread their idiocy. Kids are kids man. Get off your high horse.

  232. Thank you for underlying this important idea of not tolerating violence among children.

    As violence only begets violence, I suggest that using your words -as you’ve done in this article- will be sufficient in explaining to other parents and teachers how you expect children to treat each other. “Punching” or “slapping” someone in the face because you don’t like what they’re saying would be a negative example to any children that may be around and would also undermine your argument. Physical violence is not a productive solution.

  233. I wasn’t going to comment but after some of the posts criticizing this blog post…I have to. I can not begin to list the amount of times I was told as a child, “he does it because he likes you” and I learned to accept that as a reason especially in middle school…

    My mother told me, in middle school, that if a boy ever put his hands on me I had every right to hit him back. (If she had told me this sooner…who knows what would have happened) In 6th grade on the first day of school, a boy pushed me by placing his hands directly on my breast. I had not touched him, didn’t even recognize his existence up until that point. I was not a flat chested 6th grader, I was a full blown young woman at this point. He pushed and grabbed my breast and I got the anger and energy to grab his wrists and shove him to the ground. He hit his head on a brick along the floor and began to bleed. The teacher saw the whole thing. She sent him to the nurse’s office and sat me in the class, after the bell rang. Her and I sat there alone and she said something a long the lines of, “Its the first day of school, I don’t want this to follow you throughout your years in middle school. I’m going to let it slide this time, but you can’t keep doing that.” I never explained to her why I did it. She never asked. I’ve assumed all these years that she let me slide because she saw what he did and as a woman who probably understood what I was going through, let me slide. I went home and told my mom. My mom was proud. I was scared.

    The young man I had dropped to the ground had his locker underneath mine. The next day, him and his best friend were waiting for me at my locker…I had no choice but to get my books. I walked up and expecting to hear all sorts of verbal abuse, instead got a love letter. The boys were proud of me and made fun of their friend. I was embarassed. He obviously told his friends what happened, I was more embarassed than he was. For the rest of my years at that school, the boys that were friends with that young man, wrote me love letters, and that young man, asked me to be his girlfriend several times. Of which I always turned down…

    I wasn’t looking for a fight. I wasn’t looking to be loved but I wasn’t looking to be disrespected. For years I’ve justified verbal abuse, as passionate words rooted in love. I’ve both dealt with sexual, physical and verbal abuse as a child. I learned fairly quickly that sexual and physical abuse are wrong but verbal was a lot more difficult to learn and see. I see it in some of the comments that are being made and the power struggle people had with each other in the words people use to comment…being loved for defending myself, has by far been one of the most unforgettable moments in my life. Being given the permission by my mother to defend myself was all it took…

    I respect any mother who teaches their child what sexual, verbal and physical abuse look like and that it is completly unacceptable and we have every right to defend ourselves. I respect men who love us for defending ourselves. I am not a mother, but when I am I will make it a deal to point out that, “it’s because he likes you,” is not an acceptable excuse for any abusive behavior but that it is a possibility that these young men don’t know how to express what they feel for you…and I can say that because of this article and the comments. Thank you for sharing your story with us. While I would have been well off raising a young woman, catching that assumption that “its because he likes you” has really got me analyzing my own childhood experiences…

    Maybe he did like me, he showed it later. He may have never truly respected (loved) me had I let him get away with what he initially did. I don’t know why he did what he did, the bottom line is, the reason for behaving that way will never excuse the abusive behavior. I think my mom got it right when she told me that was the only time I had the right to hurt someone. The whole experience definitely taught me a lesson in self-love. I’ll never forget the transformation of this young man going from physically grabbing me to telling me that he cared about me. All it took was defending myself.

  234. Brilliant post. Between us, myself snd blogging partner have three girls between us. As a Mumma to a 3 year old girl I’ve already seen these types of comments – little boy bites her – “Oh, haha! He must like her.” Um, no, he was frustrated and she bore the brunt of it. There’s none of the same if they bite another boy, he then gets explained that we “don’t bite our friends.”
    As someone who copped my unfair share of bullying at high school I know full well that boys who are mean and abusive can just be plain mean and don’t like me in that way. Despite what the teachers/parents/school principal says. FFS – if a boy likes me I’d want him to show me respect and kindness thank you very much.

    So today, we’ll be providing a link to this post in our blog, because we both think it’s an important subject for parents and educators of boys and girls alike…

  235. My daughter is 2 years old, I am counting the days till I can enroll her in a Judo and and Jujitsu class in her near future , don’t be shocked when your son gets the surprise of his lifetime by disrespecting her because you failed as a parent to teach him manners.

  236. Well said!!!
    I stayed in abusive relationships, because I was confused about what love was. Never thought about all the times my parents had to buy new backpacks because boys “liked” me enough to steal them… And how confusing relationships are when you assume that mistreatment as a child is because they “love” you.
    Thanks for writing this!!!

  237. This message is SO important to get across! I have never understood, and I’m 60 years old, why anyone would think hurting someone else is considered a form of affection.
    Having said that, I do have to agree with some of your other respondees, some of your “colorful” language is offputting. Yes, I’ve read your follow-up blog and while using four-letter words is certainly your prerogative, when writing for the general public on such a serious topic, I might consider toning down the language.

  238. This article is stupid. If you don`t tease girls / women they won’t be attracted to you. How many nice guys has the author fucked?

  239. VLADIMIR RESPUTTIN wrote “I dont see why women subject themselves to being punished for the sake of “love”. so when you get punched in the face (not saying its your fault) but its your fault if you let it continue to happen. there needs to be boundaries, thats where the woman comes in and tells her daughter that shit. SO ITS YOUR FAULT YOUR DAUGHTERS THINK THAT!”

    First of all, you ARE saying it’s a woman’s fault. That’s exactly what you’re saying. Secondly, you clearly do not have an accurate idea of the many factors that play into domestic violence. It’s not as simple as you make it sound. Victims of domestic violence have often been manipulated, and pushed down enough to believe they deserve nothing better. There are many other reasons woman are often unable to leave abusive partners right away (too many to list here.)You cannot blame a woman for someone’s violence against her. Would you blame your son if he was continually beat up and bullied on the playground? No, you’d (correctly) blame the bully.

  240. I love this post so much. When I was a kid I was teased by a boy and when I told a teacher she said, “It’s probably because he likes you.” I went home and my mom asked where I got the scrape on my knee and I told her, “It’s because [name] likes me!”
    My mom told me otherwise and I’m glad she did.

  241. This post was just on my tumblr dash and it hit home for me. Last night, I wrote about what happened to me in this situation in the first grade. For me it wasn’t just boys and pulling hair and calling me names and coming off like he had a “crush” on me. It was other students pushing me to the ground, clawing at me, throwing rocks at me, hitting me with sticks. Sometimes holding me down so he could stomp on me. I told me teacher and she called me a liar, told my parents I was a bitch and that I had problems because I was obviously doing it to myself for attention. It went on and on. In middle school and high school he’d point me out in the hall and laugh about it with his friends. He died horrifically last year and all reports of his death are sealed tight so only family and law enforcement can access them. My friends who were also friends with him said that I didn’t want to know. My mom ran into a couple she knows and found out they’re friends with his parents and told her the same, she didn’t want to know, it was horrific and all reports were sealed tight and how to get an “OK” to see them.

    http://kate-mix.tumblr.com/post/17754507457/if-i-dont-write-about-this-i-feel-like-ill-never-get

  242. While I can understand the basic thought of this post (don’t let people push you around). There is a big difference between (or there used to be at least) a young boy teasing a girl and a grown man beating the crap out of his wife. Big difference. One is usually done as a joke or flirting, whereas the other is done out of anger and rage. One is done to initiate a type of relationship (friendship, dating whatever) while the other is done to control someone. My husband and I would rough house quite a bit in the beginning stages of our relationship because it lessened the tension when transitioning from the “friend” aspect to the “romantic” aspect of our relationship. Animals do this as well.

    I think as a society we are raising our kids to be a overly sensitive and weak. Someone says something that little Jill or Tommy doesn’t like, okay then “Mommy to the rescue!”. People learn how to handle difficult situations and stress from childhood. If the parent is constantly fixing those problems for them then they will never learn how to handle adversity on their own and will end up not being able to take care or defend themselves when it really matters. Another child picking on your child is a good time for you to teach her how to react and handle it, Not to go in guns blazing to correct it. She will not learn how to handle it. (now if she comes home because one of her class mates has threatened to kill her, well, that’s when you should step in and have that child removed… Before I interfere with my kids learning to handle something, I ask myself this “If it were the put into an adult situation, would the cops need to be called or would I need outside help?” If I wouldn’t call the cops/need outside help then I allow my children to lean how to handle the situation. If I would call the cops/need outside help then I would intervene.)

    Also, using that much profanity and anger in a post really doesn’t make you look so good. You’re talking about boys/men showing respect and control while you’re showing your lack thereof.

    (btw, I have 4 daughters)

  243. It’s not so much the profanity. It’s the threats of violence that worry me. Especially from someone calling herself Queen of the Couch and holding a Jack Daniels gift pack in her avatar.

  244. Pingback: Being serious « Cathy Nguyen

  245. I think many people in this world could learn a lesson from you. There is nothing more important than self-respect, and making excuses for someone else’s poor behavior is not okay. Your daughter is very lucky to have you. All those girls who tweeted about how they’d let Chris Brown beat them up because they think he’s hot are certainly worse off for not having you as a role model. Great post.

  246. Pingback: Blog Post: “You Didn’t Thank Me For Punching You in the Face” « endurancemomma

  247. Who cares if she used swear words in getting her point across. She is just really passionate about this and this is what came through her mind as she was writing it. I would do the same thing and I will be teaching my daughter, when I have one (hopefully), the same thing. I was bullied to no end in elementary school and the teachers spouted this crap when I came crying to them about how they hurt me, physically and emotionally, so I eventually just stopped telling them for a while. My mom just comforted me and told me the whole sticks and stones line was a bunch of crap and that they are just being mean for no reason. In Grade 7 and 8 when this new jackass came to school, he especially wanted to make my life a living hell and I have no idea why. When he started assaulting me during class I finally snapped and got every a bunch of my teachers, principal and parents involved cause I couldn’t take this crap anymore. They couldn’t spout the “he just likes you” crap to me anymore, I was 13 and knew that was just a load of bull. I made it my mission to avoid him for the rest of elementary school after my snap, didn’t work cause he had a lot of friends that took over for him. The whole experience just made me shut down emotionally for years. I was nervous and shy to everyone except my friends I’ve had since the beginning. Even through high school, I actually wasn’t bullied, but I was afraid to really get to know or talk to new people. Hence coming out of high school I had some acquaintances, but no actual new friends. I barely talk to people I met in high school. (And the funny part is that later in high school, this same asshole actually asked for my help in classes on many occasions cause I was smart and getting awesome marks, he was not doing so great. Do you think I helped him, no fucking way) It took me forever to open up to someone in college and I’m glad I did. I made lots of new friends and eventually got a boyfriend (only when I succumbed to the constant nagging of my roommate convincing me that he actually liked me and didn’t just want to be friends, as we had been for a few months at that point). We’ve been together for 2 1/2 years, but it never would have happened because I was actually still afraid of new relationships. I liked him but I was afraid to start anything. I’m so glad I had the roommate I did cause he is the best thing that ever happened to me.
    If I ever hear anyone spout to a young girl that he is picking on you and bullying you “just because he likes you”, they won’t know what hit them. They need to understand that this type of behaviour is not appropriate. They need to tell someone right away, a teacher, anyone in authority, and also learn not to accept this line from other people. They need to learn to have self confidence, not to learn that they can be degraded. I had zip until I got to college. And young boys need to learn that they cannot treat girls like this. There needs to be a level of respect taught both ways.
    Ok I’ve had my rant. It felt good to finally spout my story somewhere.

  248. I wonder how many of the men here who are making excuses have wives who gulp down Prozac and lie awake at night at 2am telling themselves, “He doesn’t really mean it! He’s not like that when we’re alone! He never treats me like that when he’s sober! I can’t leave him or else I’ll have to raise the kids by myself!” o_O

    I wonder how many of the women commenters who are Saddened™ by your language are those wives.

    And I wonder how many of the men who are making excuses are the sorts who hate any nice-looking women on sight because the fucking stinking bitch won’t suck his cock, and it’s because he’s too nice.

    Feminism’s over and you’ll all equal now, so if you don’t want to suck my cock after I beat the shit out of you, then you’re an uptight bitch.

    O-o-o-o-okay …

  249. Amen! I couldn’t agree more with your message! And for your ‘haters’ (lol): I personally don’t think any of us would seriously react to the “explaining-away-a-bully-by-saying-they-just-like-you” situation by actually slapping someone (as that would obviously bring more violence to the situation as a whole), but it does get the point across to say it like that. I understand how heated a parent can be when witnessing such dismissive behavior from other adults, so it doesn’t surprise me that one can be worked up enough to use foul language. If someone doesn’t like it, they don’t have to read the blog. Period. Nobody needs to put anyone down or tell them how to write their blog. I also read a comment suggesting the writer was biased? I don’t feel they were being biased at all. They even commented on how they would raise their children (sons and daughter) to be respectful of others. Referring to that same comment, I don’t believe age has anything to do with it. 10 years old is certainly old enough to know better than to mistreat someone. It is also old enough to take responsibility for oneself and not have something explained away for them. Being a bully (in any way, shape, or form), at ANY age is not acceptable. If you have a child that hasn’t learned how to properly express their feelings, do you not try to correct it when they act as a bully? Do you not try to teach them how to be respectful? Do you not show them a better way of handling their emotions/feelings? We have a zero tolerance rule in our school system for bullies. Pulling someone’s hair, pushing someone, stealing someone’s pencil… whatever the case may be-it’s all bullying and it’s not accepted. I can’t wait to share the message of this blog with my daughters today. They may be too young to read it (like other people have stated)… but that doesn’t mean I can’t share the message with them.

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  251. Thank you for this. I struggled with a bully in elementary school and my parents did nothing about it. They told me to ignore him and expect it to stop. It didn’t until moving up in grades put him on a different bus. It was certainly not affection, but abuse and stemmed from his own abusive family environment, I later found out. I am socially awkward to this day because I was taught to take this kind of emotional beating from even friends. Kids should not have to put up with it, ever.

  252. I am ashamed to admit that I gave my daughter the “he just likes you” line just last week when she told me that a boy was being mean to her. Because that’s what was said to the 9 year-old me when i got beat up by 2 boys after school one day. Thanks to your post, this cycle has been broken in our house – i apologized to my daughter and we had a long talk about respect…not just about boys and girls, but about how we should treat everyone and how they need to treat us. Cheers!

  253. AWESOME! i totally agree with what you are saying here! there is one thing though…..i have two sons…one 16months and the other 10 yrs, and my ten yr old boy is an awesome, loving, compassionate kid who (being raised by a single mother) has huge respect for women and girls and EVERYONE for that matter, but he has had numbers of incidents of being bullied by girls who “like” him.
    girls can be just as bad or WORSE when it comes to bullying and like you were saying above it is not taken seriously (even more so for a boy being bullied by a girl). it seems that society encourages him to “brush it off” and then expects him to “man up”. but it is ALL mistreatment and NONE of it is acceptable. i do my best to reassure him that it is NEVER ok for ANYONE to treat ANYONE badly.

  254. Right on! If only other mothers (and women in general for that matter) would heed your advice. Swearing, schmearing.

    It also drives me nuts to hear people so flippantly say, “the basic rule of thumb is …” when that phrase came from an old English law where men could beat their wives as long as it was with a rod no bigger than his thumb. I’m trying to raise a young son who respects the females he meets the same way he’d respect other boys … if they deserve it!

  255. I do think we have to consider age as a context for this discussion. If I knew someone was in an abusive relationship I would plead with them to find a way to change it immediately. But when you are speaking of children, the rules are different. We learn how to express ourselves without petty acts of violence as we age. My brother and I used to wrestle each other until we hurt each other (accidentaly) and I think some of that was healthy and actually grew our love for each other and taught us how to love wihtout hurting each other. On the other hand, if I were to approach him from behind and put him in some headlock that would be bizarre. And if we through each other around the house the way we did as kids, there’s a good chance the police would be notified. So my point is this: acts of affection obviously change over our lifespan. A few overly aggressive physical acts at the beginning of our lives should not be treated with the concern and seriousness of a domestic or sexual violence. For instance, my wife was recently telling me about a parent who was attempting to make a sexual assault case out of a small boy taking a button off of a little girl’s shirt because he liked how it looked.
    Besides, love hurts! I am far less concerned about my daughter coming home with a physical bruise on her arm from a boy that liked her but didn’t know how to show it than I am the much deeper and harder to heal emotional scars that a boy later in life will give her when he doesn’t feel the same way about her that she feels. Those are the moments I will want to be irate at the boys in her life.
    In summation, perhaps it is too blasé to suggest that boys will be boys and that this is appropriate behavior without punishment. But to suggest that you shouldn’t forgive, befriend or love anyone who ever hurts you (be it physically or emotionally), then you will live an incredibly lonely life. I have never been hurt by someone as badly as I have by the ones I love, and yet, forgiveness and understanding comes from that. (Again, that is not suggesting that abuse is EVER to be taken lightly or endured for a moment, but even abuse can be forgiven, once it ceases).

    Cheers!

  256. I am an adult woman and this puts so many things into perspective. I have never liked aggression, not even in the form of horse play. I have gone through the same things as a young girl, even into my teenage years, and as a woman some men have still tried to pass it off as just playing around. But I agree it is abuse and it is unacceptable. It is so good to finally see someone else take it seriously as the problem that it is and not make girls and women feel like it is acceptable and okay to sweep it under the rug!

  257. I think this blog post is insightful, interesting & should be required reading for all. I have absolutely no problem with your use of profanity

  258. Oh I am on this band wagon for sure.. Anybody hurts any of my nieces, or nephews for that matter, and gives them these stupid line, they won’t know what “hit” them when I get through with them…Good one…

  259. I’d should test with you here. Which is not something I normally do! I take pleasure in studying a submit that will make people think. Also, thanks for allowing me to comment!

  260. Actually, a lot of the time when a little boy knocks a girl over during recess or calls her stupid or something similar, it generally DOES mean that he genuinely likes her, and thinks that he’ll be made fun of for wanting to kiss a cootie queen. Girls at that age are supposed to be disgusting to little boys, so they’re always very confused when they start to feel attracted to them. That doesn’t mean that the little girl should stand for it and just let it happen, because then the little boy will grow up believing that that’s the right way to treat women. It also doesn’t mean that the six-year-old boy who’s a bit frightened at experiencing his first crush is an a**hole.

    However, there is a line. Some of the boys at the local elementary school got in a LOT of trouble because a group of them ganged up on a small girl and started calling her ugly and stupid and pushing her down, and when she tried to get away one of them grabbed onto her and held her in place while the others continued to verbally abuse her. Now, they were all under ten, so they were given a little bit of grace because, while they knew that what they were doing was wrong, they probably didn’t understand why. My little brother was involved, though, and I can guarantee first hand that by the next day he knew EXACTLY why. My sister and my parents and I were NOT happy. Now, while that was a VERY a**hole-ish move (and the girl was very right to resist and tell a teacher rather than put up with it) and it was certainly not just an immature, misguided representation of affection (it was flat-out bullying, plain and simple), my brother is not an a**hole by nature. He’s a bit selfish and whiny at times, but generally he’s very sweet and smart and he treats me and my sister and my mother very well. But if my parents had allowed this behaviour to go on, if my sister and I hadn’t made it very clear that in this instance we were taking the little girl’s side, he would have gone on believing that this was the “cool” thing to do, the socially acceptable way to treat women, and yes, would most likely have grown up into an a**hole.

    What I’m saying is that, even though children can often be crueler than adults, it’s because they aren’t yet mature enough to understand WHY cruelty is wrong, mainly because they aren’t yet mature enough to understand that the world revolves around the sun, not themselves. So little boys who bully aren’t a**holes, they’re just kids who haven’t been taught selflessness. It’s when the boy is fully mature enough to understand EXACTLY why the way he’s treating the women in his life is wrong and yet he STILL continues to treat them in this way that he becomes an a**hole. All that to say that, yes, little girls should defend themselves against hostile little boys, both affectionate and cruel, because little boys need to be taught at a young age exactly how not to treat a lady; but no, she should not fly off the handle, and neither should her mother/father, because while the little boys are aware that what they are doing is wrong, they haven’t been told why, or have but aren’t mature enough to grasp the concept of right and wrong. Little boys aren’t a**holes. Parents who allow their little boys to grow up into a**holes ARE.

  261. The issue with “language” boils down to this… it makes small minded people lose their small minds. We are then left “debating” language, instead of the real issue, which is empowering our daughters, and moving away from old school tactics of dealing with children’s behavior.

    That being said, I loved the article. It is very true, and as a single mother of an 11 year old girl, have had to struggle with the older generation (mom/dad-which luckily I have in my life to help me) that are still stuck on these old (non intentionally malicious) ways of attempting to build self esteem. It’s kind of like fairy tales, we all know them, we have probably read them to our kids, even have the DVDs, but in reality we are sending out the same message- accept bad behavior, because eventually your prince will come.

    Children imitate behavior. My children have never been spanked, and guess what, they have never hit other kids. The bigger message parents need to understand is that when you hit your child, you are sending the child a message that it is OK to hit (anyone). As far as our daughter’s self esteem, let’s build it without the need to bring boys into it. They should feel smart, beautiful, and loved- simply for being who they are- and the only way they will feel this is by not sending out misogynistic messages. (women have always struggled with the mix messages society puts upon us- it’s time we break that cycle)

    Again, great article, I will be sharing it with others. (fucks and all)

  262. EXCELLENT post. Reminds me of an old Violent Acres article called “How to Fight”.

    We wonder why our teenage women are putting up with such bullshit from men, getting into domestic abuse, etc, but this is where it starts. When we start to nurture it on the playground. Don’t mind that he’s pushing you–he likes you! What kind of logic is that?

  263. Interesting post…the comment stream is fascinating. I suspect the author uses profanity to generate notoriety,;it’s unfortunate many of the comments are about the medium and not the meat of the message.

    Little girls need to be taught that physical and mental abuse is not acceptable. Little boys need to be taught that the golden rule should be replaced by the platinum rule: don’t treat them as you’d want to be treated, treat them as they’d want to be treated.

  264. I think this should be what children are taught from now on. Maybe if they were taught how to communicate with WORDS better they wouldn’t have to bop the little girls’ heads like cavemen. I loved this blog, you said everything I’ve ever wanted to say about this. I can’t believe no one else has figured out that this sets girls up for an entire life of low self-esteem and why it’s so hard to empower our young teen girls to speak out when they’re boyfriends are being controlling to the point of beating them up. Great blog!

  265. i plan on telling my daughter to return the favor with a swift kick to the balls. what? she’s just showing him how much she likes him. ;-)

  266. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I really don’t understand why everyone is up in arms over your use of “fuck.” Seriously, get over yourselves, that couldn’t be further from the point here. I’m so glad to see that someone finally gets it and won’t stand for it. Right on!

  267. That line, the “it means he likes you” line, is fed to us by more than just oblivious parents. Take Beauty and the Beast as a clasic example. Here we see the beauty being abused by the Beast until she falls in love with him and their love changes him to be a better person. Whoah, hold on. Two lies in one? Wow.

  268. This is excellent!!
    I remember a boy who kept pulling my hair and wouldn’t stop, so right in the middle of class I yelled “JOHN STOP PULLING MY HAIR.” The teacher didn’t say anything, but he finally stopped.

  269. I think this is awesome! I’ve just graduated high school and I remember this bullying like it was yesterday…it pretty much was lol. All throughout school I was bullied and teased. Some of it was because my parents got a divorced and that was unheard of where I’m from. And the worst part was my mother feed me that line. After all the hard times in grade school (which was a REALLY small school) Jr. High was such a relief only one kid my elementary school was in my homeroom. In Jr. high and high school I stood up for myself more and more ALTHOUGH there were times where both parties were joking around with guy friends that know what NO means its fine when boundaries aren’t crossed, but how can girls AND boys know what those boundaries are unless they are taught them. And the younger the better in my opinion in middle school the guy whose locker was next to me would occasionally touch my bottom or my breasts. I never thought anything of it other than I knew it didn’t feel right. Turns out he has always been like that because he hasn’t known better and his actions are sexual harassment; which that point on it is UNEXCEPTABLE. I wish I knew what it was called and how wrong it was I’ve would’ve reported it and hopefully that would’ve stopped him. And just to bring this point home again there was another guy that I date when I was way younger who would always want to kiss me I was 13 I was NOT ready for that yet. But he would always push me for it and I kept saying no, then we broke up (thankfully). And in high school he got a girlfriend of his pregnant and knowing him I would be willing to bet it was the same scenario of not respecting when a woman says no.

    I wanted to thank you for this as you read ^^ this has been a struggle I’ve witnessed my whole school experience and I’m really glad the majority of people here agree with you. And I hope that people talk to their girls AND boys about this. I would like to close with this…
    Respect is a two way street you treat me right, I’ll treat you right and if you don’t I’ll just take a left turn off this road and let you figure this map out.

  270. I am not going to dignify Vladimir’s post with a response to him directly, but…can someone remove it? I sincerely hope that he does not have daughters (or sisters, or nieces, or…any female friends/relatives) as he is clearly a perpetrator himself of the vitriolic ideology that causes violence against – and murder of – girls and women. Bravo to Queen of the Couch for posting this!

  271. Nothing original in this comment. Just astonishment that I’ve never seen this. Thank you for helping me realise it before I have kids! Whether I have sons or daughters I will teach them the acceptable way to treat others whether you like them or not. I can’t believe (now that I’m aware of this) how many people think that is an ok excuse. It’s pathetic really. What an awesome thing to bring to light!!!

  272. It’s a shame that people get offended by language, but then getting offended at all is silly isn’t it. I love your article. I’ve told many girls, this is sometimes how little boys show they’re interested, but it’s NOT OK! It’s sad how challenged boys are.Explaine this to little girls and give them intelectual and spiritual amunition,along with martial arts training, mabey they’ll show the boys a healthy way of expressing themselves. The play ground is too soon to give up on so much of the male race.

  273. In fifth grade I told my mother I had a group of boys pestering me & my friends on the playground. My older brother overheard me, and suggested I punch them. So the next day I shared this idea with my friends. When the boys came to bug us, we managed to separate the weakest one from his group, drag him behind a building and punch the crap out of him. I felt a snap on my hand, and when we came back in from recess I saw my ring finger was swollen and I couldn’t bend it. Next day my parents took me for an xray and discovered it was broken.

    “What were you doing when you broke your finger?” the doctor asked.

    “I punched a kid.”

    Everyone laughed. No one believed I would do such a thing. But my brother was very proud of me. And the boys never bothered us again.

  274. Maybe that’s why I feel so unloved in a relationship unless I’m abused in some way. Because this crap was spouted at me every time I was bullied in grammar school(not by my mother my mother loved me and told me if a boy put his hands on me I had every right to kick his ass, the other adults around me, on the other hand…). That and I’m a masochist. But I’m sure this was a huge contribution to my state of mind.

  275. Excellent, I agree.
    By the way, “If you can’t better an argument, correct their grammar.” Seems to be what’s happening in this post.
    I see abused women at work regularly. And I have often wondered if they stay with their abusive spouse because somewhere along the line they were made to believe that is is just a way of expressing love.
    Here’s hoping that if I am blessed enough to have a daughter, I will never try to explain away bullying.

  276. It really is a brilliant piece but the foul language means I can only repost it under my personal accounts and none of the professional social media accounts I have. There is a time and a place for profanity and overuse of it turns this piece into a rant when it can be something quite profound.

    In any case, Queen of the couch, you have brought something up that I never would have considered. Especially since I did hear that as a child and perhaps shaped me into accepting behaviour that should never be tolerated. Thank you for your thoughts and for sharing with the world.

  277. Well, i cannot agree more. Kids nowadays have gone wild. Sure as hell you should tell your daughter. However, when I was in 3rd grade many many moons ago we were playing outside in the school yard and fooling around. I happened to push a girl a little too hard and she stumbled. She called me out back in the class room in front of everyone. The teacher responded “maybe he likes you”….. I sure as hell was teased by my friends for the rest of that year about. Liking a girl? At that age? I was discussed. What happened? I sure never did that again.

    All I am saying is that this silly excuse if worded and addressed right can work wonders….

    • Sebastian, I don’t think it was cool for you to be taught that lesson, either. You and the girl needed to be taught that sometimes accidents happen when roughhousing, and that you needed to apologize, and she needed to accept your apology. Being teased and ridiculed by peers for the rest of the school year isn’t going to teach a kid about appropriate touch, either. No wonder boys think girls have “cooties,” if touching one of them results in social stigma!

  278. I realise most people will say “they are too young for it to mean this, and the old saying is true,” But it’s at that age that it needs to be pulled up! Kids will honestly believe it, and it indeed does become subconsciously embedded. At a young age is when the foundations for morals in their minds are built, and things they learn become a natural part of their thought processes in the future. If such ideas like this are repeated to them, when they get older they won’t even realise that it was a “cute” lie and that it’s totally backwards.
    Any adult has a responsibility to make sure any such thinking is not introduced to young children who are looking up to us to guide them through a society they know nothing about. They look up to us, trust us, believe us, and only know what we can teach them.

  279. people what then hell!! you think that it is allways the girl getting nagged at school?
    when i was at school the girls would stratch and throw dirt at the boys and they wouldnt get in trouble because the boys pulled hair back. so dont bitch and moan take a chill pill and stop being so argumentitive.
    p.s. no need for the swearing and stuff just calm down

  280. Public school, being forced on children, is basically a 12-year extended exercise in Prisoner’s Dilemmas. It’s no wonder bullying is as common as it is.

    So many people ranting and complaining about the meat industry, the military-INDUSTRIAL complex, and other industries, but we think it’s OK to pack children (quite often against their will) into large, centralized, panopticoid, INDUSTRIAL buildings to be “educated” and “learn how to socialize”.

    These are HUMAN CHILDREN, not cattle. The education industry was built on the other models of the industrial revolution (usually centralized around a prime-mover, usually steam).

    Check out the alternatives for a more humane way of developing as humans


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gM95HHI4gLk

    As a success story of homeschooling/unschooling, I find it hysterically laughable that people raise the question of “but how will children learn to socialize?!?”

    *facepalm*

  281. “[E]very girl can recall, at least once as a child, coming home and telling their parents [...].” Telling whose parents? Who are “they”? “Every girl” would be a “she,” not a “they.” Forced gender-neutral writing is jarring enough when you resort to the “singular they” so as not to worry about insulting people, but when it’s not even gender-neutral anymore, what’s the point?

  282. It is interesting how a message, basically about bullying and abuse of young girls, ends up with a bunch of name calling, abuse and bullying in it.

  283. “I want my daughter to know that the boy called her ugly or pushed her or pulled her hair didn’t do it because he admires her, it is because he is a little asshole and assholes are an occurrence of society”… Fuckin’ A. RIGHT ON.

  284. Changing over to adulthood this is the behavior that seperates men from grown-boys. But, in childhood it is unfortunately human nature. My son is very agressive and even violent (he’s 3) even though he’s never been shown anything but sweet love. I remember wanting to pick-on girls that I thought were cute as a child. Is this not the “raw” human nature of children? Todays world is all about being as inhuman as possible. To actually change the meaning of the word human. It sounds to me the person who wrote this card is a grown-girl. Not an adult who understands children or human nature.

  285. I agree with what is said in this article as a mum and as a daughter myself,and I believe that the practice to accept nothing less than respect is to b followed whole life long by a female specially irrespective of her age, as my mum taught me the same and I m teaching my kids the same though they both r boys but for themselves and for others they don’t accept nothing less than Respect.

  286. AMEN to that! I don’t know what numpty came up with the idea of physical aggression as being ‘cute’ on the playground but they should be shot, twice over. No wonder so many women grow up thinking that a guy who belittles them and pushes them around actually really loves them. It’s insane. I’m certainly teaching my son to be a REAL man, a gentleman, rather than an asshat. There are plenty of those going around already.

  287. Okay, Profanity Police, this one’s for you. Riddle me this: You say you respect people who make their points without using foul language. So why is it you only seem to engage with those who do swear and curse in their posts? I have written several thoughtful, on-topic posts with out using profanity. Not one of you has engaged me. So, do you want to discuss the topic, or are you only here to scold?

  288. I like this article because it has ignited a discussion about this. I do agree that I would rather not have my son punching as a response to someone else punching him. It is incredibly difficult as parent to change the dynamics in a school system. Or for that matter in larger society. So we have to decide, should we teach a more peaceful passive approach that may work, but could still leave a reputation that of “sissy” or “weak” and more verbal abuse. Or an aggressive approach that may create a strange “respect” between the bully and victim. Either way it kinda really sucks.

    We cannot micro-manage our kids, as we all have to work day jobs. So what do we do? I told my five year old, that no one is allowed to disrespect him, not any grown ups either. Tell your teacher if someone has hit you. I said never use hitting as a first resort. Well my son did told the teacher when he was hit, and they kept that boy out for one recess as punishment.

    The boy kept teasing my son everyday. Taking his ball. Saying “you suck”. He told his teacher, and yard duty, but they brushed it off. (I didn’t know abut this) Then the boy had the nerve to hit my son again.

    Well, my son hit him back. Dead in the face so hard he fell down. My son was raised in a boxing studio, so his aim is unusually good for a five year old. The teacher would see this of course.

    At that point, I was called in, and told that my son was at risk of being expelled for violent behavior… I guess because his punch was stronger?

    I talked with principle, I asked:

    When was the last time an Anti-Bullying course was taught here?

    What are procedures when a student reports verbal or physical abuse?

    How much training has your entire staff, including yard monitor staff received regarding bullying/abusive behavior?

    Why aren’t parents alerted every time an incident occurs, my son says he reported problems so many times before this.

    Yes they scrambled for answers. Suddenly my son was not at risk of being expelled. Also, the other child’s parents were brought in for a conference too.

    Never again did the boy test my son.

    Now the school announces often over the loud speaker that name calling and rude behavior will not be tolerated and is never okay, that we all need to treat each other with respect and kindness.

    After my son punched that boy in the face, he became a lamb. It makes it even harder to determine what the right course of action is…did the punch in the face stop the behavior, or was it that I demanded a stronger approach to handling bullying school wide, or was it that the bully’s parents became involved…Who knows?

    When I was little I was bullied by a boy two years older than me. i told my mama, and she said, “He likes you mija” . I thought, yeah right. He always ran faster so I could not catch him. One day I did. I let him have it. He never bothered me again.

    When my niece was six, she said a boy kept hitting her at school. I jokingly told her to ask him if he was hungry and tell him to come closer… and when he came closer tell him “I’m glad you are hungry…” then punch him in the face and tell him “because I have your knuckle sandwich right here” She and i laughed. I was only 14 when I told her that, I did not think she would do it. She did (not with all the drama). and he stopped bothering her.

    Over-all we all want our children to be safe and happy. Feel safe and happy. Just be kids. Be carefree. One of the worst feelings in the whole world is the realization that we have very little control over what happens to them, and some, but not all impact on how they react.

    My advice before sending children into any other’s hands is to teach them boundaries. Let them know disrespect is never funny or cool. Let them know that we always have the power to change our lives and meet new people and have good times, so they don’t feel desperate to befriend bullies. Empower them with actually role-playing.. what you are going to say if something happens.

  289. I feel like the message would be a lot better if the language wasn’t so foul. There is a time and a place for such. and if the rest of you have merely an argument of “fuck off” when someone corrects you, then you are nothing more than bullies yourselves. Your vocabulary must be limited.

    • It’s charming that you’ve decided her personal blog on February twelfth is neither the time nor the place for such language. Might I ask, what blog at what time would be the appropriate venue for her to take her opinions if she wishes to engage in profanities?

    • @ morganarose,

      You said:

      “…I feel like the message would be a lot better if the language wasn’t so foul…”

      I’m not questioning that you do feel this way – I’m sure you do – but are you able to rationalise this ‘feeling’ and express it more clearly in language?

      For instance did the swearing create a practical problem in terms of meaning? (did you find it difficult to understand what the author was writing about?)

      Or, were your ‘feelings’ strictly in the realms of an *emotional reaction* on your part, triggered by encountering certain words and phrases?

      “…There is a time and a place for such [language]…”

      What does that actually mean in practical terms?

      Specifically, have you considered what it means with respect to the internet which knows neither time nor space?

      And what does it mean with respect to a blog such as this, which is completely free of charge and a voluntary affair (ie one is not forced to read it)?

      “… and if the rest of you have merely an argument of “fuck off” when someone corrects you, then you are nothing more than bullies yourselves…”

      ‘Correction’ assumes authority, and is quite distinct from lively discussion and debate. It implies trying to impose your own opinions and preferences on others and have them conform to you. Bearing that in mind “fuck off” seems not only an inevitable response, but succinct, witty and appropriate one too (ie a good use of language).

      “…. Your vocabulary must be limited….”

      This this assumption is completely groundless. Swearing does not automatically indicate lack of vocabulary, just as not swearing does not automatically indicate a large vocabulary.

      Also, remember that YOU were the one complaining that the language was not limited enough! You specifically stated your preference for a limitation to be placed on language when you said, “…There is a time and a place for such…”

      Using music (another language) as an analogy, what you seem to be saying is “Please stop using dissonant chords and odd time signatures, doing so displays a lack of music vocabulary”

      There was a time when certain ‘foul’ note intervals were actually banned by law. Where would we be musically if such limitations were still being enforced today? (answer: throw away your all your classical, jazz, blues, pop etc….)

      Banging a piano randomly does produce lots of dissonant chords and odd time signatures….. but then again, so does playing a piece by Stravinsky.

      If one is unable to tell the difference between the two, and as a result unable to make sense of one’s own reactions to what you are hearing (or reading), then perhaps it is you who need to take a language course … and not everybody else.

      I notice your blog is completely empty. That does (rather ironically) speak volumes!

      • @ abandonculture I did not pick the post apart, and the message is still clear, but it is delivered unprofessionally. I never stated that it should be removed, nor that freedom of speech is not available, simply that my opinion, is that I did not enjoy the format of which it was written. This is a comment box. It is where comments on the post is placed, not a place to bicker back and forth about how I stated my comment.

        @ Kathryn Hildebrandt, you would be wrong. I have nothing to run from, and no reason to return a comment. Bless your heart.

  290. Love the post. :)

    I have wondered though: What does it mean for a child to “like” another one? I mean, at that age it is assumed that sexual attraction is rather premature (although, with the hormones in our food these days, who knows). I definitely remember having a “boyfriend” when I was in first grade. It meant I sat beside him on the reading carpet. It meant I offered him part of my lunch and ate part of his. It meant he shared his crayons with me. Essentially, it meant he was my friend.

    I mean, in addition to the idea that violence is an appropriate term of endearment, aren’t we also imposing on our children an idea that all interactions with the opposite sex are “special”, or sexual, or meant to be flattering?

    What are the natural consequences of that, I’m curious what people think?

  291. Like others who have replied before, I totally get your point and thoroughly agree with it. I do believe it could have been presented in a more ‘family friendly’ fashion. That being said….I will repost your opinion as I think more parents need to educate their boys and girls on respecting not only one’s ‘personal space’ but their self respect as well. I can see where the passion and constant annoyance could have driven you to use the profanity but I have learned that when posting something as important as this message is, keeping it clean will earn YOU more respect. I do Thank you for sharing this, it needed to be addressed. :D

  292. Anyone here old enough to remember Krazy Kat and Ignatz Mouse? This blog piece made me think of them.

    http://cerebralboinkfest.blogspot.com/2011/07/crazy-cat-creates-krazy-kat.html

    This strip was started over 100 years ago, illustrating how this crap attitude has been going on a loooong time.

    When I was little, I was totally bewildered, and more than a little annoyed, that the stupid cat was interpreting a brick to the head from the asshole mouse as “love.” Didn’t get it then, don’t get it now.

  293. That is a fantastic post! I don’t think many people look at it that way, I know I didn’t until reading this post. I had this happen just once when I was in school. A boy in my class “liked me” because he was tipping my chair over backwards and saying mean things, so I punched him in the face one day after he said something mean. My mom was mad at me for getting sent home until she found out why. That kid never picked on me again, and I never had that problem through the rest of school because word travels fast ;)

    Kudos on the great post!

  294. Wow, as far as the profanity is concerned,it is truely not neccessary and if people use it as a communication device then they are not educated enough to get a point across without sounding like a ranting idiot that has not delt with any issues that has happened in thier past. Deal with your issues people! As far as thanking someone for punching you in the face and edorsing vilolent behavior with violent behavior…not winning any respect from me! I know teenagers that can atriculate themselves better than you. Are you going to tell me to fuck off now…wow, I am truly damaged by your words. Grow up people! Can’t believe I took the time to make a comment, rather amusing I guess…

    • Well, Mr. fedupwithstuidpeople… since you’re administering unasked for chastisement for profanity, I’ve taken the liberty of pointing out all of the blatant misspellings in your post. They are as follows, copied and pasted and not changed by me:

      truely
      neccessary
      delt
      thier
      edorsing
      vilolent
      atriculate

      Perhaps when berating someone for using adult language in their own personal blog that you have absolutely no commitment to reading, you should spell check. Even better… LEARN how to spell. Also, use some punctuation. If you expect people to pay attention to your message, at least make yourself understandable. Because, how did you say it? You’re “not winning any respect from me!” I hope the ARTICULATE teenagers you know can spell better and use punctuation more effectively than you.

      Last thing… it is indeed amusing that you took the time to comment so poorly on a post that you obviously missed the point of, as well as missing the sarcasm which was pretty up in your face. Ta-ta!

  295. I believe a lot of the naysayers actually GET what you’re saying here. They’re just making you defend your blog post – and you’re walking right into it. They know you were just making a point that abuse is not an acceptable way to express affection. They also know you didn’t literally mean you would slap someone in the face and say “I love you.” And they also know that YOU know that answering abuse with abuse is not acceptable.

    I’ve been a blogger since 1998. In all those years, I’ve learned a lot about online behavior. Trust me, you have a lot more POKING going on here than genuine conversation.

  296. Come on…. there is no need to to be so offensive abt kids hitting each other. Your daughter is going to lose precious childhood if you be so guarding. I dont think that there exists any brother sister duo who have not fought as kids. Not a day went by in my life when my brother and I didnt fight each other. But with age, we have grown very fond of each other. Now, we cherish those memories. Kids are supposed to fight. Even if you teach your daughter about sex and how she should beat boys who beat her back, she is going to come back wih bruises. It is only very natural for kids that age to tease and fight. if you stop those things, your daughter is losing her precious childhood. While it is wise to be aware of abuse, there is no need to be over protective.

  297. I love your message, and personally I think it has just the right amount of foul language. And to hell with any fuckers who think otherwise. Having done a stint as a counselor in a battered women’s shelter, I can attest that that crappy old message “he hits you because he likes you” is part of what turns little girls into women who think they deserve to be beaten and abused by men who profess to love them. That’s exactly the kind of fuckery men have been propagating for centuries, and it only serves to perpetuate that “boys will be boys” mentality that wreaks such havoc on the psyches of young women. You are well-advised to protect your daughter from such horseshit.

  298. Anissa, Ed, Kingofthecouch and anyone else who has an issue with the blogger’s language:

    Here’s how it works. This blog is like a house. This blog is her house. You, Anissa, Ed and Kingofthecouch are visitors in her house. You will respect the way she runs things in her house. If you don’t like the way she runs things in her house, you can always go stand outside on the curb and never come back inside. You can also go back to your house and do things the way you want to because, well, it’s your house.

    When you’re in your house, you can set the rules and the blogger won’t be allowed to swear and you will be very happy. See how easy that is?

  299. yeah when my daughter was 5 and in kindergarten there was a lil bastard that kept kicking her in the crotch and pulling hair to the point she had a couple of bald spots and he would shove her down on the ground and jump on her back, I tried unsuccessfully to talk to her teacher who had the lame excuse that he was learning disabled and didn’t understand a few things and that she needed to be tolerant to a certain point, I said ok if it happens again and my daughter comes home with one more bruise, the gloves are off. Once again she came home and had her vaginal area so bruised and swollen I had to take her to the doctor and I was asked if she had been molested and I said nope the teacher lets a lil boy at school kick her all day in the crotch and she thinks I should be more tolerant…he said no mam this is child abuse so therefore he pressed charges and both the teacher and the child got removed for about two weeks. Upon his return the lil bastard kicked her again and had her bleeding so I told her if he even looks at you weird, put his head through a brick wall! She did just that the following day after he once again shoved her and made her fall on the gravel and scratched up her face and busted her lip, she got up and started screaming and she grabbed him and slammed his head into the side of the brick building until he fell to the ground and didn’t move again, I got the call and was told MY kid was too violent and that she should not have done that. and that she was to be expelled from school…I dropped her pants in front of everyone and said ok if that was violent…what the fuck do you call this lil treasure she got from HIM??? I said look at the bald spots on her head and her busted face, but let me guess he is a retard so he can get by with that shit, right? In the end I pressed charges against the entire school board for abuse and neglect and made sure that bitch lost her job and that the parents were held responsible for their childs actions. I stood up in court and said this is exactly why there are so many spousal abuse cases these days, because lil son of bitches like that started out “liking” a girl in grade school and was never shown the proper way to show affection or feelings.

  300. In fully reading this I have more rage running through my veins than ever. Let’s look at it how it is. Kids 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 years old do not know how to show their sexuality and we as parents do not want to sit down and explain sexuality to our children. Kids do not understand sex at that age. But at the same time their little bodies are raging along as they grow, grow, grow. Their hormones are raging like a river at full flood state. Why don’t you as a parent go back to that age and remember what was happening. Do you remember all the changes that you had going on with your body? At 35 years old, I do not. Do you remember all of your friends urging you on to pick on that other person on the play ground? That is what happens. Yes it is not a good thing but how would you as parent’s like to stop it. Do you want to sit down with you 6 year old and explain that the hormones going through their bodies make them want to have sex with the opposite sex? I already have a hard enough time trying to explain to my 6 year old that the erection he is getting is normal and what that erection is for. Then there is the fact that their little minds may not grasp what you are trying to explain. I want you to remember at what age you understood what your body was doing. I for one did not truly understand until my early twenties once I had lived life and had a chance to grow. So let them be kids, and if you as a parent want to let your little one know that the boy pulling her hair wants to have sex to make another human being then go ahead. But I do not think that my son would understand what that means at the ripe old age of 6, so he will be pulling hair and pushing others around.

    • Maybe it’s just because I’m younger than you, early twenties, but I do in fact remember the exact age when I understood what my body was trying to do. Sixth grade, when my parents handed me a book they’d gotten from the library explaining sexual reproduction. It wasn’t really an ordeal. Read the book, opened up for some Q & A, and it was done and over with. That shit wasn’t exactly complicated. Not exactly one of the Sphynx’s riddles or anything.

    • so you are basically saying your son wants sex at 6 years old?? bullshit idiot, he gets erections for no reasons at all dude its just a reaction to nothing or he has to pee, big deal to simply tell a kid that hitting another one is wrong does not entail a sex ed class dude, it involves a caring parent to take on the responsibility of showing them right from wrong, not everything is about sex, it’s about simple respect for others, I don’t care what others think of me, as long as they keep their hands to them selves and I am 53 years of age and I damn well remember what I felt like at 5 and 6 years old and in school and how I was just scared of everything and being away from my parents and I never laid a hand on another kid because I knew it was wrong and I knew if someone hit me or hurt me it was WRONG no matter what the lame excuse was, why? because I was taught that way.

  301. This is absolutely fucking true. I plan to teach my kids the same ways when it comes to respecting people. I’ve been bullied and I’ve been through that shit and no one, except my older brother ever stood up for me. This hits pretty close to home because I have experienced it. I despise how teachers these days won’t do shit to stop the bullying, yet they get all defensive and start calling names when incidents like Columbine happen. One of my younger brothers has been punished for lashing out when people have bullied him and yet the principle, the damn principle thought that the girl who had bullied him was being funny. Bullying isn’t funny, it’s atrocious and disgusting behavior and schools these days need to put a stop to it.

    I just had to comment because of how close to home it hits. Thanks for sharing.

  302. I vaguely recall this boy in Pre-School… He always lifted up the back of my dress…. It happened again in High School, you would think I had learned my lesson back then, it appears not. Love this entry.

  303. Wow– that never occurred to me. Playground behavior like this really DOES have something wrong with it. Thank you for opening my eyes and now hopefully those of my friends!

  304. I have to thank you for opening my eyes to such an obvious yet totally ignored truth. TOO MANY PEOPLE DO THAT. I’ve even said that a couple times to my stepdaughter and shrugged the incident off my shoulders like nothing was wrong. The truth of the matter is that the child doing the disrespecting must learn the consequences of such actions. I’ve told my baby girl to kick a bully right in the shin if they’re bothering her and that I’ll excuse her from trouble if the teacher reprimands her.

    I won’t utter those words ever again.

  305. You are so super fabulous!! Thank you so much for writing this!!! No, I’m not going to slap you, but I would love to give you a hug ;-)

  306. Sorry, I am not male, I am female and I believe that if you want people to take your post seriously, then it needs to be respectful all the way around and that includes the removal of the cursing and swearing because cursing and swearing are a form of disrespect themselves and they make you look like a hypocrite. It’s not okay for these boys to verbally abuse your daughter but it’s acceptable for you to abuse any readers that happen upon this post with abusive language.
    I came across your article and read it because a friend posted/shared it on my wall, but due to the verbal abuse by the writer of the blog, it will be hidden from my wall and not shared.
    I agree with the idea that no person, regardless of gender should be treated this way, but I won’t abuse my friends with your verbal abuse because I respect them.

  307. My step-father told me exactly that and told me to ignore him. My momma taught me the proper way to tuck my fingers into a fist and how to put my whole body into a proper punch and to knock that certain boy on his ass the next time he did it on the playground…and then I told him I liked him too..The rest of the herd of hairless nut-sacks did not bother me ever again after I knocked the block off the head of the herd. And while we were not exactly friends they were at least more respectful once I started teaching all my friends how to throw those same punches. No more yanked hair, bruised shins, or black eyes for any of us gals; and when the school started teaching us soccer..well just let me say they started being nicer after what they saw what we could do as a team with a soccer ball.

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  309. Spot on!
    I was bullied as a kid, by boys as much as 6 years older than me, and teachers and parents dismissed the abuse as “crushes” and “playfulness.” As a kid, in a world full of adults with their heads up their ass, I was utterly helpless as the abuse went on and on, escalating every year. I would have LOVED for someone to step in and call bullshit. Just one person to say “No! It isn’t cute! Someone is being hurt and it is wrong!”
    And the foul language would have been a welcome catharsis.

  310. If a boy hit me, teased me, or picked on me in School this was NEVER said to me. At least, not by my mother. My sister had said it to be snide. It’s not right and you really don’t have to wonder why that girl is staying with her abusive boyfriend when we let our children be “taught” by this kind of nonsense.