I’z Gonna Be A Lady Someday, Though I Didn’t Know When or How
29 Feb 2012 53 Comments
in Parenting and Random Shit Tags: be a lady, classy, funny, lady drunk, Wine glass
Recently, I have been researching and working hard on reforming myself and becoming a bona fide lady. I think I am making major progress! Prior to learning how to look and act like a lady, I would wake up and put on sweats or cotton gym shorts and a t-shirt to prepare for a day spent inside the house, taking care of my litter of children. Now, however, I wake up, do my hair and make-up and put on a nice dress, heels and pearls. Okay, so that is an exaggeration. I just put on my dressy (i.e. not stained or ripped) yoga pants and tank top. If I am leaving the house, especially if I am dropping by the kid’s school, I will put on my dry weave coordinating workout ensemble. See, the latest in stay-at-home mom/lady fashion is to always look like you are on your way to workout, even if you have no intention of ever breaking a sweat.
I have been speaking very softly, like a lady speaks. I try not to think too hard, unless it is about what kind of sandwich I should make, and I don’t do anymore of that opinion having. I am coming to understand that if I want men to say they are interested in my brain, I need to nickname my vagina, “brain”. I’ve also been watching my language, in order to sound more ladylike. For instance, I don’t say I “fuck” my husband anymore. Now, I “make fuck” to my husband. Like a lady.
Apparently, a lady does not tell others when doing her kegels. With this knowledge, I have stopped announcing to anyone within a 20 yard radius that I am vagi-cizing. 
When I drink, like a lady, I drink wine. That way, when I get totally drunk, I am “lady drunk”, which is classy. I mean, to be fair, just holding a wine glass makes you appear 30% less drunk than holding nothing or holding any other drink container. That is just a scientific fact. 
It seems, being a lady requires various cocktails of prescription pills, which I do not yet possess. That is on my “how to become a lady” to do list.
I am kicking ass—I mean, rear end–on the path to ladyhood. I am making lady lessons my bitch—I mean, my female dog. Now, I am going to put on a bra (because, if you can believe this shit–I mean, mess– ladies wear bras all the time!) and get ready to get lady drunk later. *curtsy*
Apr 16, 2012 @ 09:58:03
Hmmm … being a lady, something I’ve never been accused of. (P.S. I’m doing kegels right now while typing!) lol
Apr 16, 2012 @ 10:09:44
Keep em’ up! A lady’s scooch is always toned and ready for anything!
Mar 13, 2012 @ 10:31:13
OMG woman!! You are a chickpea after my own heart! I haven’t laughed this hard in a VERY long time!
Mar 12, 2012 @ 17:23:51
Blessed is he who’s found his work; allow him to ask few other blessedness.
While in doubt, mumble; while in trouble, delegate; much more charge, ponder.
Mar 05, 2012 @ 14:59:30
I think this is one of the most well written and certainly among the funniest things I’ve ever read, anywhere…I’m still laughing my “behind” off, and I’ve read it three times (making sure I didn’t miss anything)…You go, “Ma’am” and good luck with that Ladyship thing!
Mar 05, 2012 @ 05:11:53
You are certainly a woman after my own heart, too funny! x
Mar 05, 2012 @ 05:11:17
LOL I LOVE THIS!!! xxx
Mar 04, 2012 @ 04:21:35
I want to thank you for your humor, sarcasm and wit. Without it, I fear, my days could get pretty boring. Plus, if I need a laugh, I always know where to go. You can thank BreakItDownPete for introducing me to your blog. Which is probably one of the best I have read. I love your absolute straight forward attitude. It’s refreshing to find someone who doesn’t cater to the whims of other peoples opinions. Perhaps as I continue to read your posts I will learn how to do the same. Forget all the assholes who have nothing really valid to say. Attacking you for posting something on your own blog is idiocy. I can only think of very, very few reasons someone should ever take offense to something posted on someone’s blog. I’ve had family members post negative shit about me on theirs and while it pissed me off, I just stopped reading it. Anyway, I will put a stop to the word vomiting and just say, congrats on being you.
Mar 04, 2012 @ 23:33:50
Thank you! The attitudes that I am supposed to kowtow to those who don’t like my style or word choices is mind boggling, to say the least. I’m going to have to check out BreakItDownPete because a few people have mentioned the site.
Mar 02, 2012 @ 23:59:48
Whenever I start swearing like a salior I claim I have terrets syndrome! Hey who could dis-proove it!
Mar 02, 2012 @ 08:06:38
Well I for one find you a shameful example of a lady. Real ladies do not use the “V” word. Everyone knows that the only acceptable word to use is “ladyflaps”.
Mar 02, 2012 @ 08:07:01
That or “cunt”.
Mar 03, 2012 @ 09:47:18
LOL Ladyflaps!!
Mar 03, 2012 @ 09:48:40
I do like cunt too, and snatch!
Mar 02, 2012 @ 10:44:01
I love ‘lady flaps’!
Mar 02, 2012 @ 04:34:17
excellent post, I love this.. I too would like to be a lady but it just seems like a lot of work.
Mar 01, 2012 @ 21:04:37
Watch Little Britain, you’ll soon learn how to be a ‘laaadeeee’!! Very funny post
Mar 01, 2012 @ 15:41:49
Getting lady drunk also involves puking daintily. I hope you’re practicing your lady like vom stance.
Mar 01, 2012 @ 15:47:01
How did I not think of this? I have to figure out the ladylike way to puke for when I get really lady drunk.
Mar 01, 2012 @ 09:16:59
LMFAO. This was great. I don’t laugh outloud to much, but this……hells yes.
Mar 01, 2012 @ 05:44:14
LOL I love this, I think I’ll have to add perscription drugs onto my lady-list too x
Mar 01, 2012 @ 01:30:39
Love the “dressy yoga pants!” So funny!
Feb 29, 2012 @ 23:31:40
Naming my vagina “brain”. Brilliant.
To get my boyfriend to pay attention to me I’m going to name my vagina, “iPhone”
I’ll let you know how it goes.
Feb 29, 2012 @ 23:12:34
Wait, you have an unstained tank top?
How did you manage that?
Feb 29, 2012 @ 23:21:26
If the stain is over a week old, it is considered a part of the shirt.
Feb 29, 2012 @ 20:51:59
“I broke the kegel machine”?? OH my gawd, you’re killing me!
Feb 29, 2012 @ 20:24:09
Your blog is my guilty pleasure. I keep wanting to share things on Facebook and half my church is on it….could not help but share a couple and cross my fingers when I bump into the old ladies at church. Who knows I might be actually giving them a gift when they read your blog.
Feb 29, 2012 @ 22:57:05
It is the gift that will keep on giving. Like herpes.
Feb 29, 2012 @ 20:06:33
You rock. That is some funny shit. I am glad I found this blog. LMMFAO!!!!!!
Feb 29, 2012 @ 20:05:17
I love reading your blog, it makes me happy. I also love swearing and find it inane that friends always make comments about it. Um, hello? I like to drink and swear. Plus my brother is a sailor (Navy), which makes it extra acceptable.
Feb 29, 2012 @ 18:29:29
I love this shit, err I mean “mess”.
Feb 29, 2012 @ 13:53:27
I love the comment about the wearing the workout clothes. You are SO right. Every stay at home mom I know wears workout clothes every day and only a couple of them are gym goers. Of course, I can’t bash them – because if I could wear yoga pants and a tank top everyday… I definitely would!!
Feb 29, 2012 @ 13:25:39
LMFAO @ Make Fuck … Awesome
Feb 29, 2012 @ 11:32:27
Loved it! Ladies used to be refused entry into most universities due to concerns that if they learned too much their heads might burst.
Feb 29, 2012 @ 11:21:51
You should write a book if you haven’t already!! So funny! btw if you did write a book, i would buy it!!
Feb 29, 2012 @ 13:23:30
I have considered writing a book for years. My husband has been pushing me to get started. You may very well see me peddling a book in the near future.
Feb 29, 2012 @ 18:14:19
Can’t wait!!
Feb 29, 2012 @ 15:52:26
Me too. And I would buy a second copy for my sister who needs to embrace her ladyhood and quit trying to hide it from our mom.
Feb 29, 2012 @ 18:13:12
ahaha!
Feb 29, 2012 @ 11:18:43
Will you be my best friend?
Feb 29, 2012 @ 12:53:29
I am accepting applications and gifts.
Feb 29, 2012 @ 10:24:57
you kick ass!…I mean rear end.
Feb 29, 2012 @ 10:09:31
Ahh hahahahahahahahhaa! You aren’t fooling me!!
Feb 29, 2012 @ 10:03:54
You also might want to practice snootily looking down on more working class women in the neighbourhood, take the kids to the playground/beach/forest in heels and having your next child through a surrogate.
Feb 29, 2012 @ 10:08:27
GREAT ADVICE!!
Feb 29, 2012 @ 09:59:53
Lady drunk? Hmmm…..Seee a bit like a contradiction. But I like it, really like it.
Feb 29, 2012 @ 09:52:07
LOL Can I just that I absolutely fucking love you
Feb 29, 2012 @ 09:46:43
Lol
Feb 29, 2012 @ 09:44:35
I have nothing to add to this but applause.
Feb 29, 2012 @ 09:43:02
You said “make fuck”. BAHAAHAHAHAHAAH!
I less than three you!
Feb 29, 2012 @ 09:35:40
Well it seems as though you’re well on your way!
Great post!