The Penis Game

Anyone else remember playing “the penis game” in high school or college? You would take turns saying the word “penis”, each time saying it louder than the person before you. It was best if done in a public place. If you laughed or refused to say it louder or at all, you lost. It was cheap entertainment in those days. Now, it is the story of my life. With three boys, specifically Number Two and Number Three, I find myself inundated with penis talk. Number Two, especially, will take any opportunity to mention the word penis, whether discussing his, specifically, or just making general small talk. It is one of his favorite subjects. Thankfully, he has stopped showing it to everyone that came over for a visit within the last year. There is nothing like having to issue a disclaimer to potential guests that your child might leave the room wearing pants and return, minutes later, full Monty. If you were around my son for more than two minutes, he wouldn’t hesitate to inform you that he had a penis and inform you where it was located. You may be asked if you have a penis. If you answered, “No”, he would express true sympathy for you. Evidently, we are really missing out.

Last year, I got a note from his teacher that read: Please make sure Number Two wears underwear to school. That is when I found out that he was going “commando” to school. I would give him underwear to put on in the mornings and, as it turned out, he had been choosing to forgo that item for quite some time before I got the heads up. I had never imagined myself having to perform daily “underwear checks”, much less having to debate with my five year old on the issue. The most embarrasing moment with him took place when he was about 3 years old and we were sitting in a waiting room. I saw his pants had come unsnapped and called him over to me and when I grabbed the snap on his pants, he yelled “YOU’RE TOUCHING MY PENIS!!”. I could have died. Right there. No lie. I was frozen, everyone was looking at me, trying to stifle their laughter and my son just went right on back to playing with his toy.

Now, with Number Three beginning to enjoy conversing about and showing off his penis, I see my life turning into one long round of the penis game. It has become a daily event for me to walk into his room in the mornings and/or after his nap and find that he has removed his diaper and is standing in his crib, with his junk pushed through the bars of his crib, lining up a shot at the toys on the floor. I can’t pay this kid to piss on the toilet but put him in bed and leave a few targets on the floor and leave the room and he is suddenly a fucking marksman.

By the time Number Four gets to this point, I envision myself in a catatonic state, walking the streets in my pajamas and yelling, “PENIS”.

0 thoughts on “The Penis Game

  1. I can so relate to this! When my oldest daughter was 2 and learning all about genetalia, she would also go around telling everyone what she had and what they had…much to the dismay of many of our male friends. After talking with her about being a little more discreet in public, she changed her line to “I’m not supposed to talk about my vagina in public.” It was embarrassing, but hysterical! With my son, we finally had to have a talk about having “privacy with your penis.”. It was fine that he wanted to touch it (which was all the time) but he needed to do so in the privacy of his own room when no one else was around. It worked great…for awhile. 🙂

    • Oh my gawd! I seriously cannot stop laughing at the “I’m not supposed to talk about my vagina in public”. That is cracking me the fuck up. I think I am going to start telling people that too. Funniest. thing. ever. Your daughter is hilarious!

  2. I have little girls. They don’t have penises. They have penis envy. It turns out Freud was right about some things. Sometimes, they try to pee standing up. They also ask random people if they have penises or vulvas, and occasionally put things in their pants and pretend they are penises. They have male and female cousins, teachers, role models, and friends, but I guess a penis is just such a cool thing.

  3. I thought i was the only one going through this LMAO, feels great to have a partner. My son is 4 yrs old and all he talks about now is when is his penis going to get as big as his daddy.

  4. My five year old will go commando one day and then wear three pairs of underwear the next. When asked why, all I get is “Oops.”.

  5. My son used to call it “His area.” He wasn’t comfortable saying penis and frankly neither was I. That was when he was 7, he’s now 12 and anything to do with the penis and butt and farting and burping and boobs…is hysterical ! Gawd help me from the goddamn toilet jokes!

    I’m also loving the “public vagina” quote. It tickles my funny bone as well ! But the
    v-jay is quite a laughable “area” anyway.

  6. thanks for the laughs. i have a 10 yr old daughter and 3 boys and my 4yo goes commando all the time because he can “feel the pee when it’s close to coming better.” he, too, can vanish at any moment and has startled guests by reappearing full monty. i’m so used to it we don’t even blink but then i catch a glimpse at the poor guest making fish out of water face. oops.

  7. HA! My husband has a story about taking our son to swimming. Kiddo was 2 at the time. After the swimming, they were in the (big public) locker room, where Dad had a system. He would strip the kiddo down, wrap him in a big towel to warm up, and while Kiddo was warming up, he’d change himself really fast. This time, however, Kiddo had a new idea. While he was standing there wrapped in his big ol towel, while Dad was stripping down, he asked, “Can I touch your penis?” Without missing a beat, Dad said, “No.” and then continued on as if it were no big deal. Keep in mind, all of this is going on in a crowded men’s locker room. “I wanna touch your peeeeenisssss…” whined Kiddo. “No, bud. Penises are private.” Meltdown ensues, with the shrieked refrain, “I WANNA TOUCH YOUR PENIS I WANNA TOUCH YOUR PENIS” Husband said he got tunnel vision and ringing in his ears from his desire to shrink down into a tiny hole and disappear. The worst part is, Kiddo was still naked–and after THIS meltdown, there was no way he’d take his naked son through the Parks building, no matter HOW quickly he wanted to exit. “I WANNAAA TOUCH YOUR PEEEEEEE-EEEE-EEENISSSS” all the while, Husband said he couldn’t get out of there fast enough.


  8. Ha ha! I can so relate in your blog too! I have 2 boys, aged 10 yrs old and 1 yr old, plus a girl at 5. It’s my youngest who’s more into the “penis” stuff – though of course, he’s not that articulate yet about it. He would just all of a sudden tug at my shorts or pants when he notices the “bulge” (honestly, I have no idea why he does that). Maybe, it’s more out of curiosity.

  9. Hilarious!! Truly hilarious! Though it must be exactly the opposite to actually go through it yourself… Hats off to you for the great job you’re doing with your kids. And awesome blog!!!! 🙂

  10. My two year old loves his penis. I haven’t taught him the proper terminology for it yet, fearing the embarrassment it might cause. He approached a random woman in the waiting room of a doctors office, asked her if she’d seen his “stuff,” and when she responded in the negative, he dropped his pants to show her. I am still mortified.

  11. I am a mother of two boys and one daughter all of which are grown and on their own. I have been married once, now in a long term relationship and presently the grandmother of two grandsons. From the minute a boy is born, “it is all about the penis.” Some are more private about it than others, certainly not mine, but it’s still all about the penis. It is a tongue in cheek statement I have made for years. They are fascinated with it, proud of it and have a personal relationship with it that we females just don’t experience with our body parts. Even when their grown certain words take the conversation, or at least their hidden thoughts, to their penis ie: wood, hard, stiff, long, huge….. 😉

  12. I think I am going to come to find, when I could use a good laugh all I need to is pull up one of your posts! 🙂 This is a great one and truth be known, I really needed the laugh. My Little Man is two and he loves his penis – though he isn’t yet discussing it, he loves to touch it. He’s such a boy! hehe

  13. Pingback: 'to read' | Pearltrees


  14. Just wait, it will evolve. It goes from penis to fart and then to balls and by the time they hit middle school it’s penises, farts and balls all the time. I have learned that if my 11 year old is talking too much about any of the above the word ‘vagina’ will shut him up. When my oldest lived at home I could clear the room by mentioning menstration. You just have to find the anti-penis phrase and employ it as needed.

  15. OMG, we have a very similar issue with our 8 year old. He finds it highly amusing to make up songs featuring his penis and his balls and he’s so VERY proud of them. He won’t flash anyone but he’s never above reminding us “he has a penis” as though it’s something we’d forget.

    *hoping all our boys learn to hide their penis love*

  16. Oh holy cow, this is the first time I’ve ever seen your blog, my friend shared a link on Facebook, and this post made me laugh so hard I cried. Thank you for that, made my night. 😀

  17. Huh, and here I thought I had to feel embarrassed when I pulled up my little monster’s pants the other day and, because I had pulled a little too much, got this outcry “No, Mommy, don’t stick it in there!”
    Kids are just worth every penny, worry and stress!

  18. I have a litte “booby monster”. She will be two in June and is apparently not only highly ammused with not just my boobs but ANYONES boobs. Could be anywhere and anyone, grocery store, park, friends houses, walks right up pulls shirts downs and goes for the Tatas! To add the the embarassement now that she is developing the fine art of speaking, she also says “ChiChis” Now she is putting things in her own shirt. Is it wrong to buy a 2 year old a training bra with gel inserts for her Birthday so that all the boobs in town can catch a break? Wish I could explain that someday they’ll be her worst enemy… LMAO 😛

  19. First time I’ve heard of the penis game. Too funny! I know, you must be wondering which part of the world I’m from, right?
    “…my son just went right on back to playing with his toy.” Is this a metaphor by any chance?lol

  20. Oh goodness, yes! I remember the penis game. Actually know a couple people who only JUST stopped doing that in public a couple years ago. When you’re closer to 30 than 20, it’s time to stop stupid shit like that. Love the post!

  21. Too funny! I have 3 little girls (5yo and twin 4yos) but they are still fascinated with “fannys” and “doodles”. One in particular likes to make up songs about her vagina and sing it at the top of her lungs during church when the rest of us are singing hymns (mortified!).

  22. Neither the penis game nor showing off genetalia were prominent at all in our family. I have 2 older brothers, an older sister, a younger brother and a younger sister. I’m 18 right now and the youngest is 12. Never once have any of us played this game, although we knew about it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *