Some of the things that fly out of their mouths leave me speechless, other times they crack me up. My daughter has been the obvious protegé in the sarcasm department. She has always been funny in that unintentional way that most kids are funny but she has also had sarcasm nailed from a pretty early age. It makes me so proud. *sniffle*
When Number One was about 6 years old, we were driving home from a visit with my grandmother and it was raining so hard, there was barely any visibility. I, of course, was leaning forward with my face practically pressed into the windshield, trying to see past the hood of my car. My daughter, out of the blue, wanted to have a conversation.
Number One: At the beginning of ‘The Suite Life of Zach and Cody’, is that a real house or a fake house?
Me (dismissively): I’m watching the road. I don’t know.
Number One: Is it a real house or a fake house?
Me: I have no idea. I’ve never really watched it.
Number One (growing more and more annoyed): Mom! Just answer! Is it a real house or a fake house?
Me: Honey! I am trying to concentrate on driving! I don’t know!
Number One: IS IT REAL OR FAKE?
Me: If you just want an answer, then I will guess real. I haven’t watched the show but I will just give you an answer. It’s real. Okay? Now, I need to concentrate.
This was followed by about 20 seconds of very obvious silence, in which I could just sense that my daughter was pissed.
Number One (with her eyes lowered and monotone voice): Do you know what I want to do right now?
Me: What is that?
Number One: I want to go home, dress up like you and punch myself in the face.
I nearly lost it. When the rain cleared a few minutes later, I called my friend, laughing so hard I was almost crying, and told her about the conversation. She laughed and said, “I’m sure she is in big trouble”. I told her that, aside from being hilarious, I was pretty sure that she had me on a loophole, since she hadn’t actually threatened me. My daughter remained in her seat, glaring at me, increasingly annoyed by my amusement and my audacity to discuss it right in front of her.Another of her more memorable statements, albeit unintentionally hilarious, was, while walking through the mall with my mother and sister, she asked, LOUDLY, “Why do men have nipples”, which almost sent me to my knees in laughter.
Yesterday, she tells me that one of her friends told her that the dictionary said that “the ‘B’ word” meant “a female dog” and she asked me if she was telling the truth. I told her that was correct. She looked at me, stunned and visibly excited, and asked why everyone says it is a bad word. I explained that it is the name of a female dog but it is also used as a curse word. She points to our dog, Zoey, and asks, “well, if I am talking about Zoey, I can use it”. Good try. That was a negative, though. Even if I had green lighted the appropriate usage, she would have stayed up at night thinking of different ways to work the word “bitch” into her daily vernacular. Sometimes she will say things that make my jaw drop and set off alarm bells in my head. Until I begin an interrogation and it is suddenly put in context and all becomes right in the world. While driving around recently, she starts talking about her friends. Kim does this and Joey does that. Then she says, “And Sadie, my demon lover…”.
Me: Your what?
Her: Demon lover.
Me: What is a demon lover?
Her: She loves demons. I mean, she isn’t goth or anything but she likes monsters and demons.