What NOT to Post on Facebook

I love Facebook. I am absolutely addicted. It is a great place to keep up with family and friends. It offers the chance to keep up with current events and you may even find out points of view of your friends and family that you would not have, otherwise, discovered. From news, to entertainment, to what the hell is everyone doing on Friday, it is available in one place. I like to use my personal Facebook very lightheartedly, for the most part. At least once a day, I am stunned at what people will post on their Facebook pages. I know that, for those that are diligent about their privacy settings, these postings are only viewable by their closest 387 friends but I still urge you to take a second and consider the following before you hit that “enter” key.

1) No one really needs to know about the activity of your bowels.

Seriously. It’s fucking gross. Whether they are inactive or overactive, it is too fucking much information. What is the point of sharing this with hundreds of people?

2) Sharing about your children’s shitting habits is just as disgusting.

Telling all of your friends that little Janie’s ass exploded in her diaper and describing in any detail about how much, how far down her legs it ran or how much laundry you had to do as a result is more than we ever needed to know. I assure you, little Janie will be horrified that you shared this information one day.

3) Your friends/family don’t need to know EVERY detail about your pregnancy, labor or childbirth.

Sharing stories about cravings, bitching about weight gain or baby movements, etc is fine. You do not, however, need to tell us about things like your mucous plug, leaking breasts, bloody show, sweeping membranes or how many fingers your doctor got into your vadge during the cervical exam. Give us the abridged, family friendly version.

Hey! I just started my period!

4) Every random thought or action you make throughout the day.

10:30am- Just had breakfast. Oatmeal and toast. nom nom nom

10:54am- I forgot to get trash bags at the store!

11:47am – at the store, getting trash bags!

12:49pm- I love Ellen show

3:20pm- It’s hot outside.

3:32pm- wish I had a pool ๐Ÿ™

4:49pm-Gotta make dinner

5:36pm-dinner smells good!

6:07pm- dinner is delicious! (complete with picture)

7:00pm- nothing on TV

8:11pm- getting tired *yawn*

9:02pm- going to bed. GN FB!

Is that really necessary? Why do people think that anyone wants to know every fucking move you make or every thought that passes through your head. If you are bored while living that shit, what makes you think READING about it would be entertaining? Watching paint dry would be more interesting. Take that shit to twitter.

5) Your relationship bullshit

You can’t wait to kissy and cuddle your hunky schmoopy poo? Don’t post that shit on his/her Facebook page, mmmkay. Send it in a text or make a personal phone call.ย  Why do you think the world needs to be privy to this ridiculousness? Keep the pillow talk to yourselves, especially if it involves baby talk and stupid pet names.ย  My favorites are those that have to say “cuddling with the hubby and watching a movie”. Here’s a novel idea: Why don’t you put down your iPad or smart phone and actually spend time with your significant other. Facebook will still be there in 92 minutes when your movie is over.

On the other side of the same coin, there is couples drama. Now, I won’t go so far as to discourage this because, well, it is totally entertaining. If you want to hash out your disagreement for everyone to see, I won’t tell you to stop. I’m going to pop some fucking popcorn and sit back and hope for fireworks! Put on a good show and I will even ‘like’ my favorite comments. Consider those clicks to be my votes for the ‘winner’ of the argument. (Don’t mistake my amusement or participation for approval. You are making complete asses of yourselves. I, like most other people, just can’t take my eyes off a train wreck.)6) How BUSY, BUSY you are.

You’ve posted three statuses in 2 hours about how you have so much work to do, so much paperwork, so much organizing, you never have enough time to get anything done because the boss, or your homework or your kids have you completely overwhelmed and you barely have time to take a piss. In between posting those status updates and comments, you have achieved a new high score in Bejeweled, shared some Youtube funnies and commented on pictures from last weekend.

7) Vaguebook posts

I have a couple of friends that are notorious for this one. (coughHEATHERcough) The status usually is three words or less and leaves you wondering what the fuck they are referring to and if they are in some sort of distress. Some examples are:

“THIS ISN’T HAPPENING!” (which you later find out was a response to the American Idol results show)

“Wow. Just wow.” (turns out, some one cut them off in the parking lot of work)


What would you add to the list of FB DON’Ts?

0 thoughts on “What NOT to Post on Facebook

  1. Well – I hate, hate, hate vaguebooking. And somewhere in that same category are the people who post some obscure lyric from a song. (This is still vaguebooking in some way.) The next biggest pet peeve is… no matter WHAT you are posting on Facebook, you should take the time to spell the words out correctly. “Shud” does not replace “should”. If you are a grown up with at least an 8th grade education, I full expect you to know “what” is not spelled “wut.” Oh – and posting “HBD” on someone’s page does not have the same effect as “Happy Birthday”. I mean really… are we THAT busy???

  2. Laughed my ass off at this. #4, especially. Do people really think I’m SO interested in them that I want to follow a constant stream of updates as far as what they’re eating?

    I’d add in when people tag themselves at strip clubs or “adult” stores. Yes, I’ve seen it. No, I so don’t want to know that you like to go to the seediest porn shop in town. Also, when people have that Nike app going on their Timeline and you can see exactly where they ran/how fast they went. . .and they go pathetically slow. Not sure I’d post that.

  3. Ugh Vaguebook posts are the worst. Also pictures of food. I was in a restaurant with my kids and the table next to us got their entrees and they ALL pulled out their phones and started taking pictures of their food. If it wasn’t for the fact that I have a strict ‘no electronics during meals’ policy that I couldn’t break in front of my kids I would’ve taken a picture of those douch-squirts and posted it on MY fb because that is some funny shit. But seriously if I wanted to look at food I would subscribe to Bon Appetit. Great post!

  4. I dislike all the requests to re-post something on my status to prove I pay attention to someone’s posts, hope a cancer cure is found, am in favor of attaining world peace, advocate for feeding starving children, etc. While I am sympathetic to all of those, I don’t enjoy the emotional blackmail demanding that I post something to show I care.

    • That one drives me! “You want blah and they want blah blah but some people only want a cure for cancer. If you care about cancer repost this. 92% of people won’t and that means that you support cancer and want children and their puppies to die.”

  5. When people comment on a status without reading the rest of the responses. The most recent one on my wall was when I posted about suggestions for a stroller for a trip. Two posts in and someone offered to loan me theirs so I thanked them and we continued dialog as to when I would pick it up. A couple of hours later, my “genius” aunt chimes in with her thoughts on which of my own strollers I should bring and the reasons why. I wanted to speedbag her gonads.

    • I remember that post. I was cracking up, especially since there were only like 6 or 7 comments before her response and all but one of them were you and your friend arranging how to get the stroller in your hands. Good stuff.

    • I feel your pain, but am also compelled to speak in defense of this crime, of which I too am guilty. Very often, especially when there are multiple responses to a post, they are all hidden, so it almost looks as if no one has commented. If I forget this and fail to search for prior comments, I might just say what has already been said.

  6. I agree with all the suggestions here, and would add the following two.

    Political updates, primarily about why the government sucks. It doesn’t matter if I agree with it or not, it still makes me a little uncomfortable to read it. This probably stems from me having been raised with the concept of anonymous votes and politics being something private unless you become a politician or similar. Same with religion really.

    And also one that annoys me mainly because it’s such a horrid lack of common thief. “We’re going on holiday for three weeks and leaving tomorrow, yay!” Well, I’m glad they’re going on holiday and sincerely hope they have fun. I also sincerely hope they won’t come home to a house that the thief has cleared out in their absence, since they were so kind as to inform him that he could work undisturbed. How hard can it be to wait, and post that you HAVE been on holiday and here are the pictures?

    • Hi, Angrboda! Yours is one of those posts with which I both passionately disagree and agree at the same time. First – I totally get the etiquette angle, that religion and politics should be avoided as topics of conversation in a private, social setting, especially if tempers are likely to flare. On Facebook, many love to spar by slamming one political party or the other, with a sports team “we’re number one” mentality, and it is tiresome.

      Yet, in a democracy such as ours, consciousness-raising about what’s going down, communication, and criticism of the government, when appropriate, are vital to our survival. This is why the founders worked to guarantee the right to do so in the Constitution. I find Facebook to be a valuable venue to accomplish this. Too many think this means partisan bickering – but that is counter-productive. What I am talking about is alerting each other to issues, to legislation being proposed that we know is wrong for our society, and to abuses of power.

      There is a movement by certain factions to erode our civil rights, without our noticing, until it is too late. Some want to pull us into a theocracy, Taliban style. There really is an all-out legislative assault on women’s reproductive rights taking place right now. Yet, so often, when I bring it up in conversation, my friends and acquaintances are unaware, and I find that alarming.

      Ignoring or not caring what people who want to grab power are doing, along with buying into fear-mongering, are how Nazi Germany happened. I know that sounds melodramatic, but at age 50, I wouldn’t be just saying that out of my butt. This is how it all starts.

  7. Using Instagram does not make anyone’s breakfast/lunch/supper any more interesting to me. I agree with the comments above about “repost if you know someone…or have known someone…or used to know someone…or went out with someone who’s mother knew someone…who was a total douchebag. If you don’t repost it means you and all your family are douchebags and you agree with killing baby everythings. And tribute pages and eulogies…have some fucking respect for the dead and send a card…take some time to write a card, buy a stamp, and post the card!!!! And don’t blackmail me into supporting your new small business…or your charity or crusade!!! Well actually, my friend and I have a crusade (somewhat tongue in cheek) to bring back pubic hair…Viva la Refurlution!!! But that’s the only one that I find acceptable.

      • Have you seen that girl’s status (I don’t know if it’s real or just a joke on the concept, but either way it made me laugh) that says “unusual vaginal odour” and then straight after she says “oh shit, this is facebook not google!!!!”

        • Haw haw! That’s great as a joke, and I sure hope it is, and that someone is not so stupid as to be unaware that she can delete her own posts from FB.

          Unlike here, where we impulsive types need to remember we can’t take it back, never ever, LOL!

          • I try to give the benefit of the doubt, assuming it is the former, but, too many times for comfort, the latter ends up being the truth.

            If it was a joke, I want to be friends with that person.

          • If you’re ever tired of thinking life is great and humanity is wonderful…go onto youtube and read the comments (under ANY video, it doesn’t matter which one you choose). You’ll soon see that an enormous amount of the people we share the planet with are really, really, really dumb. I’m still hoping this comment was a joke though and this person is very funny!

  8. I nearly punched my friend J a few weeks ago. She got married on 19 May, and spent the entire week leading up to it posting nonstop about wedding nonsense, most of it incoherently spelled. My two favorites (and by favorites, I mean rage-inducing least favorites) were:
    “Picking up my dress and trying on one last time….wish me luck…(wish I wont of just ate lunch lol)”
    “Hey people send any.wedding or.reception pics are way.we would love to.see em please”

    • Ack! That shit gets under my skin like you wouldn’t believe. It, honestly, makes me cringe. 99% of the time, I will correct people. Seriously. I’ve earned myself quite a reputation amongst my FB friends. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • Me, too. But since I was taught it was impolite to correct the grammar of others, back in my anonymous Yahoo! news posting days, I created a separate alias, Woody_Wordsmith, represented him with a picture of my black and tan tabby cat, and dubbed him a “grammar troll.”

        Know what’s really difficult? I have returned to University, the private, expensive kind, to try to complete my undergrad degree, and I am finding that my professors, PhD and all, make grammatical errors in their speech, such as “there’s many opportunities here.” They also fail to proofread their PowerPoint presentations, so I see things like the Greek letter ยต drawn backwards. I fear one of these days I may bite my tongue all the way through.

        • I often find myself doing the same. Not to say that my grammer is always perfect but becoming a repeat offender is too much. Sometimes I get surprised at how agitated I get when someone has a million spelling and grammatical errors in their posts. I mean seriously? Don’t you auto correct? Anyway, since I have recently learned that not everyone appreciates the help, I reserve my advice for those who ask for it

  9. I think posts about where people are (if the place is not that interesting) are totally boring. I have a friend who posts every time she’s at work. She has like 3 jobs. Seriously, I don’t care. YOU ARE AT WORK. Tell me something INTERESTING about work. I totally agree with everything already posted, too (except politics. I LOVE POLITICS! For real), especially the blackmail “share if you love Jesus/ hate cancer/ love baby seals ETC” posts. Those are my least favorite.

  10. It’s the traveling. Some people only post when they are on vacation. I could have sworn some people were dead, but there they were at Niagara Falls sharing alone time with their significant other. Or the other people that talk to their wives through Facebook. I don’t know, maybe have a conversation at dinner or something instead of letting us know about it. I CAN’T STAND THE MY LIFE IS PERFECT, NOTHING COULD BE BETTER NONSENSE! I’m sure there is more.

    • YES!! People have asked me why my husband and I don’t post to one another on FB. I know it sounds crazy but we just speak to each other directly! The people who are always posting about “I LOVE MY HUSBAND SO MUCH. I LOVE MY LIFE. EVERYTHING IS PERFECT PERFECT! WE ARE SOOOO HAPPY!”, I wonder who they are trying to convince.

  11. I hate when people basically spam their friends. No, I don’t want to “like” or become a “fan” of your shitty band if I haven’t the first 3 times you mentioned it. Please don’t “invite” me to buy your self-published book on Amazon, or to the bag party you’re having while noting that out-of-staters can buy online (wtf is a bag party anyway?).

    Oh and the spelling and grammar mistakes (like many mentioned above) drive me batty.

    • Had a high school classmate doing that. Thing was, that was all she ever did. She never said “boo” to me, even when initially friending me. When I performed the actions she requested, voted for her business in online contests, etc. and commented to her, nary a “thank you” or even a “hello” was forthcoming. That was a no-brainer for me. I defriended. Someone like that, would never notice anyway. However, in the unlikely event she were to notice and ask me, I would have no problem telling her exactly why.

      • I actually did defriend someone who didn’t interact with me other than to solicit me, and a few months later he messaged me “hey, I thought we were friends on here…” and re-friend-requested me.

        • I deleted a friend (it was a couple with one account but I only knew the guy and I hadn’t spoken to him since HS) and all he did was solicit shit via FB. I deleted him and, just like you, he re-requested me many months later. Fortunately, he hasn’t been peddling his business anymore but I hid him from my feeds just the same. I do love that feature.

  12. I am actually most annoyed about people who post on Facebook complaining about other people’s posts on Facebook.
    like “my 16 year old cousin always posts “LiKe ThIs AbOuT wHaT sHe AtE fOr DiNnEr LuLz”
    You’re bitching is just as annoying because you can just unsubscribe from your stupid 16 year old cousin and never see those posts again while not clueing your cousin into it at all. That is what the unsubscribe is all about.

  13. #3 – I never, ever, under any circumstances want to know how far anyone’s (friend, relative, and especially co-worker or their friend or relative) cervix has dilated! It’s bad enough to hear about it, much less read about it on the FB status.

  14. Don’t tag me, Bro! If I’m not in the photo, don’t tag me unless it’s an innocuous photo of friends. Recently, I was tagged in a photo of a painting that depicted an act of fornication — tagged during the middle of the freaking night! By the time I saw the post, war between defenders of artistic freedom and defenders of the chastity of nuns had broken out on my page. (Yes, you read that correctly.) Un-friended by some before I even had a chance at damage control, I still don’t know who might have seen that photo.

    Can you believe that shit? Pass the wine, please.

    • Hey – I agree, that’s defiantly not cool, and of course your friends shouldn’t be doing that. However, to avoid a repeat experience, you can control when you’re tagged by someone else. It’s in the settings. When a friend tags you, it won’t show up until you “approve” it. Good luck searching Fb settings, you’ll need it! You know they hide all the ways to de-creep their service!

  15. Luckily I don’t have many pregnant friends, and certainly none yet who’ve posted anything like that. However, a friend did once post that they had something weird going on and were getting STD tested, then posted about the results being inconclusive. Don’t know why the heck people feel a need to share that information with the entire world.
    Great post!

  16. One of my pregnant FB friends posted she experienced an orgasm while taking a number two. Then went on through comments to share that she thought she’d have one during childbirth too but couldn’t explain why. Too personal. Really?! All. Time. Greatest. Post. Ever.

    • I have a guy like that on mine. Every time he posts “I feel like ill nevr meat N E 1 2 luv me N E lades like me ill trete u good”, I can’t help but watch, wondering if N E 1 will ever respond to his mating call. It’s like a FB nature show on mating rituals of idiots.

  17. It annoys me when people post links to stupid cutest kid contests and beg all their FB friends to vote as many times as possible. Wrong for so many reasons. Whenever someone’s FB starts leaning towards the Toddlers and Tiaras spectrum, I unfriend them.

  18. 1) Rashes. STD’s. Diseases. Treatments for diseases. Too much info for a wide audience

    2) Passive aggressive shit, like ” *insert negative behavior here*, I’m just sayin..” .. like clearly this has an intended target. How about communicating like fucking adults!?

    3) SHARE THIS STUPID PHOTO IF YOU LOVE JESUS. I get it. You’re a ‘christian’. Moving on.

    4) Motivational pictures. Most of the people who post that shit have the lowest self esteem ever. Pardon if I don’t take your advice!

    Those are my big ones. I’ve de-friended relatives for that shit.

  19. I don’t care what you are listening to on spotify and I definitely didn’t want to know what creepy news story you just read. People share too much!

    • A lot of those share automatically. YouTube shares every single video I click “like” on both on Facebook and YouTube. Yahoo News automatically shares what you read on their news page with Facebook.

  20. I just hate when people send me the stupid game requests and when people send me shit about save this animal somewhere in the remote jungle of bumfuck egypt. This is face I don’t give a fuck

  21. One thing that really annoys me is when fb friends become parents and suddenly all their updates are about their kids and all the photos are of their kids. I mean, I am friends with the adults, not their offspring!! The same goes for pets, by the way.

    Oh, and then there’s people that do not understand how create a photo album on fb. So they post every picture seperately. Like, all 30 of them – 30 individual posts… Argh…

    • I know that feeling. What you end up having on your homepage is a collection of 300+ weird pictures showing up individually and not as an album. You can’t even see anything else but the pics !Talk about annoying.

  22. Love the post and your blog. I would just add please don’t post about how much you hate your step-kids. Seriously, that is not cool.

  23. If you haven’t, you MUST read STFUparents (STFUparentsblog.com). It’s a collection of the most hilarious of all of these facebook don’ts!

  24. First time poster, long time reader. LOVE your blog.
    Anyways, the one thing that pisses me off THE most on Facebook is when someone (generally from high school) sends you a friend request who you didn’t get along with (read: hated each others guts). What the hell is wrong with you?? I thought you were a fuck head back then and I hold the same opinion now. I don’t get it. Just live your life and I’ll live mine…happily…without you in it. Just like high school.

  25. Ugh. Every detail about your daily workout. “Just got done with an awesome run!” – totally acceptable. “Wow. 20 min. on TM at 6 min mile pace followed by 2xsprints and alternatinge by lunge/dip/lunge/squat. Feeling awesome, now it’s time for the power shake!” – totally annoying. And these posts are usually a daily thing with these people. SHUT. UP! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  26. I had a”friend” whose status updates were either 1. Direct messages to one person 2. Complaints about her kids/husband 3. Vague books about drama and how much she hates it (which means she loves it). One day she stated that if you didn’t like her statuses, you could block her. So I did. It felt great.

  27. I spring cleaned my facebook friends. People’s overuse of lovey-dovey facebook comments on each other’s walls make me want to punch them through my screen. Is it really necessary. I mean they see each other every day, but I don’t need know that.

    Great post!

  28. Please learn to spell, use grammar and punctuation. And if you are going to call someone out for something, be direct. Vague references just piss people off. Oh and if I wanted my husband to know what I posted, I’ll tell him. Secret phone calls disturb me.

  29. I-cant-find-the-space-bar-so-i-use-dashes-to-separate-my-words-until-the-end-of-the-sentence-because-then-i-use-a-space-before-my-exclamation-mark !

    Why do people write like that?

  30. When every single post is about what “God” is doing in your life. “God sent me this man!” Really? Did he send you the last 4 you married and divorced? God is to damned busy to be that involved in your life! If he was…it wouldn’t be so fucked up!

  31. I am so with you on the random posts that say something like “I can’t believe what just happened…” And then fail to tell you. It’s just blatant attention seeking.

  32. You really must be having some special friends. Those updates are pretty funny! “…how far down her legs it ran…” really? lol,people actually post these kind details?

  33. You shouldn’t (or should you?) use Facebook to tell the man you slept with that the baby is or isn’t his. This actually happened. Let’s say a guy, “Kevin”, cheated on his girlfriend with another woman, “Tonya.” Tonya ends up pregnant – but due to her also sleeping around, she doesn’t know who the father is. Eventually, she used Facebook to tell Kevin that the baby wasn’t his. Just all-of-a-sudden, right there on his wall one night, “The baby isn’t yours.” I guess since it was ‘good news’, it would be okay to use Facebook? Kinda like the GYN, mails you a totally-easy-to-sneak-read card if it’s okay, but makes a personal phone call if it’s bad. – Better yet, it turns out it WAS Kevin’s baby, which she later posted, also on his page. Their wedding is in a couple of months. I couldn’t make this shit up.
    Kevin’s mother is very happy for the couple.
    No, really, she is. I’m being serious. Other family members have told her the details, but she is acting like it’s the best thing he world. Meanwhile, her other son is a ‘disappointment’ since, you know, he’s living with a girl before he marries her.

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