I love Facebook. I am absolutely addicted. It is a great place to keep up with family and friends. It offers the chance to keep up with current events and you may even find out points of view of your friends and family that you would not have, otherwise, discovered. From news, to entertainment, to what the hell is everyone doing on Friday, it is available in one place. I like to use my personal Facebook very lightheartedly, for the most part. At least once a day, I am stunned at what people will post on their Facebook pages. I know that, for those that are diligent about their privacy settings, these postings are only viewable by their closest 387 friends but I still urge you to take a second and consider the following before you hit that “enter” key.
1) No one really needs to know about the activity of your bowels.
Seriously. It’s fucking gross. Whether they are inactive or overactive, it is too fucking much information. What is the point of sharing this with hundreds of people?
2) Sharing about your children’s shitting habits is just as disgusting.
Telling all of your friends that little Janie’s ass exploded in her diaper and describing in any detail about how much, how far down her legs it ran or how much laundry you had to do as a result is more than we ever needed to know. I assure you, little Janie will be horrified that you shared this information one day.
3) Your friends/family don’t need to know EVERY detail about your pregnancy, labor or childbirth.
Sharing stories about cravings, bitching about weight gain or baby movements, etc is fine. You do not, however, need to tell us about things like your mucous plug, leaking breasts, bloody show, sweeping membranes or how many fingers your doctor got into your vadge during the cervical exam. Give us the abridged, family friendly version.
4) Every random thought or action you make throughout the day.
10:30am- Just had breakfast. Oatmeal and toast. nom nom nom
10:54am- I forgot to get trash bags at the store!
11:47am – at the store, getting trash bags!
12:49pm- I love Ellen show
3:20pm- It’s hot outside.
3:32pm- wish I had a pool 🙁
4:49pm-Gotta make dinner
5:36pm-dinner smells good!
6:07pm- dinner is delicious! (complete with picture)
7:00pm- nothing on TV
8:11pm- getting tired *yawn*
9:02pm- going to bed. GN FB!
Is that really necessary? Why do people think that anyone wants to know every fucking move you make or every thought that passes through your head. If you are bored while living that shit, what makes you think READING about it would be entertaining? Watching paint dry would be more interesting. Take that shit to twitter.
5) Your relationship bullshit
You can’t wait to kissy and cuddle your hunky schmoopy poo? Don’t post that shit on his/her Facebook page, mmmkay. Send it in a text or make a personal phone call. Why do you think the world needs to be privy to this ridiculousness? Keep the pillow talk to yourselves, especially if it involves baby talk and stupid pet names. My favorites are those that have to say “cuddling with the hubby and watching a movie”. Here’s a novel idea: Why don’t you put down your iPad or smart phone and actually spend time with your significant other. Facebook will still be there in 92 minutes when your movie is over.
On the other side of the same coin, there is couples drama. Now, I won’t go so far as to discourage this because, well, it is totally entertaining. If you want to hash out your disagreement for everyone to see, I won’t tell you to stop. I’m going to pop some fucking popcorn and sit back and hope for fireworks! Put on a good show and I will even ‘like’ my favorite comments. Consider those clicks to be my votes for the ‘winner’ of the argument. (Don’t mistake my amusement or participation for approval. You are making complete asses of yourselves. I, like most other people, just can’t take my eyes off a train wreck.)6) How BUSY, BUSY you are.
You’ve posted three statuses in 2 hours about how you have so much work to do, so much paperwork, so much organizing, you never have enough time to get anything done because the boss, or your homework or your kids have you completely overwhelmed and you barely have time to take a piss. In between posting those status updates and comments, you have achieved a new high score in Bejeweled, shared some Youtube funnies and commented on pictures from last weekend.
7) Vaguebook posts
I have a couple of friends that are notorious for this one. (coughHEATHERcough) The status usually is three words or less and leaves you wondering what the fuck they are referring to and if they are in some sort of distress. Some examples are:
“THIS ISN’T HAPPENING!” (which you later find out was a response to the American Idol results show)
What would you add to the list of FB DON’Ts?