50 Shades of Dafuq?

I will be the first to admit, I haven’t read all of the books. I barely read all of the first one; I just skimmed, for the most part. I don’t know that I could get myself to read through the trilogy if someone was paying me, to be honest. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought it had been written by a 12 year old boy who had found his parent’s hidden stash of bondage mags. There just aren’t words to describe the idiocy of the prose spun by this author. I mean, it is not bad, it is almost hysterical. Now, the common response I’ve received when I give my critique is, “well, no one cared if ‘Magic Mike’ had a plot” but, c’mon! Are we really going to compare these two. Did anyone go see “Magic Mike” expecting a strong plot line? Was anyone, upon seeing the preview, anticipating Oscar buzz or, for that matter, even a higher than one star review in your local paper? I’m gonna err on the opinion that most of you would answer in the negative. Now, I’m not saying that anyone cracked open the pages of “50 Shades of Grey” expecting to read a literary work of art. I’m not saying that anyone is proposing that this trilogy or any of the three of its books should be nominated for any awards. I’m just a bit surprised at the high praise it has been receiving from the general public.

I’m not going to go into the less than romantic plot line, involving the inexperienced, naive Bella–I mean, Anna and the older, experienced, worldly Edward—I mean, Christian. I’m not going to mention the references to Christian as “mercurial” and Ana’s journey across egg shells to avoid inciting his temper. I’ll leave alone the contract he has her sign, agreeing to the terms and conditions he lays out for her, as his submissive, nevermind the fact that she was a completely innocent virgin and wouldn’t have understood what it was she was agreeing to (to the tune of bondage, anal fisting, whips, punishment, even what she could and couldn’t eat). I’m not going to talk about the message that Ana achieved sexual liberation because of Christian, yet she still referred to her vagina as “down there”.  I’m not going to talk too much about the fact that Christian was a stalker and described by Ana and her friend as jealous, possessive and volatile and that this is being viewed by so many fans of this book as sexy and desirable traits. I’m going to, instead, examine it word for word,  piece by piece. This steaming pile of shit is rampant with whatthefuck.

For starters, one of the more annoying things I discovered is Anastasia Steele’s overuse of the word “Jeez”. “JEEEEZ” is just not dialogue that conjures up an image of a supposed intelligent, articulate, college educated woman but, rather, is a catchphrase that makes me imagine an annoyed teenager. Anyways, here are some highlights:

“Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor. Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow… he reaches over to his bedside table and grabs a foil packet, and then he moves between my legs, spreading them further apart. He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no…Will it? How?

“Don’t worry,” he breathes, his eyes on mine. “You expand too.” He leans down, his hands on either side of my head, so he’s hovering over me, staring down into my eyes, his jaw clenched, eyes burning. It’s only now that I register he’s still wearing his shirt.”

“You really want to do this?” he asks softly.

“Please,” I beg.

“Pull your knees up,” he orders softly, and I’m quick to obey. “I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. “Hard,” he whispers, and he slams into me.

“Argh!” I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity. He stills, gazing down at me, his eyes bright with ecstatic triumph.”

This covers the first time that  Christian and Ana have sex. Christian learns that Ana is a virgin and deems it a “situation” that needs to be “rectified”. Seriously. Those are the very words the character, Christian, uses to describe Ana’s virgin status. So, to rectify the situation, he engages in “vanilla sex” to break her in before initiating her into the “red room of pain”. I almost laughed out loud when I read the “Don’t worry, you expand too” line. Seriously. I think I would have laughed hysterically if a man were to say that to me.

Also, she said “ARGH!” when he penetrated her? “ARGH”? Like Charlie Fucking Brown? Oh, and she also has multiple orgasms. MULTIPLE. A 21-year-old virgin who had never kissed a man, been with a man or even masturbated prior to meeting Christian Grey, has multiple orgasms during her first time, some with nothing more than nipple stimulation. Yeah. Okay.

“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.”

Yeah, this actually happens in the book. In case you arent’ sure, he is talking about his dick, of which we never do find out the name. WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR DICK’S NAME, CHRISTIAN?

“He’s my very own Christian Grey flavor Popsicle.” “Hmm… he’s soft and hard at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty…”

Yep. Yep. She is talking about his dick.

 

“Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?” Holy shit. Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly.
“No, Anastasia it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck… hard.”

Yeah, Ana! He doesn’t make love. He makes fuck. He makes fuck hard.

 

“Let me ask you something first. Do you want a regular vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all?”
My mouth drops open. “Kinky fuckery?” I squeak.
“Kinky fuckery.”
“I can’t believe you said that.’
“Well, I did. Answer me,” he says calmly.
I flush. My inner goddess is down on bended knee with her hands clasped in supplication begging me.
“I like your kinky fuckery,” I whisper.”

Okay, this is supposed to be a worldly, experienced, refined man of means and he uses terms like “kinky fuckery” and in a seemingly serious conversation, no less. Kinky fuckery? Dafuq?

“Why don’t you like to be touched” Ana whispered, staring up into soft grey eyes.
“Because I’m fifty shades of fucked-up, Anastasia”

This was funny to me because, obviously, the author thought that this line was so deep and so poignant. It isn’t.

“He’s naked except for those soft ripped jeans, top button casually undone.”

Where I come from, naked is naked. If you are “naked except for a pair of jeans”, YOU AREN’T FUCKING NAKED!

“My inner goddess has her sequins on and is warming up to dance the rumba.”

Ana makes many references to her “inner goddess” throughout this series, which is the, suddenly awakened, sex-crazed part of Ana’s subconscious. These descriptions and visualizations of this sub-character are nothing short of weird and hilarious.

“My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year old.”

I, personally, find the comparison of one’s inner nympho to a kindergartener to be a bit disturbing.

“Crusty and Cross here,’ he says and I grin. He’s still playful Fifty. My inner goddess is clapping her hands with glee like a small child.”

And again.

“He pulls up outside my duplex. I belatedly realize he’s not asked me where I live – yet he knows. But then he sent the books, of course he knows where I live. What able, cell-phone-tracking, helicopter owning, stalker wouldn’t.”

Swoooooon. Oh lawd, why, oh why, couldn’t I have caught a man who would hack my cell phone’s GPS to track me down and show up, unannounced and uninvited on my doorstep or when I’m at the bar with my friends to make sure I don’t talk to other guys? That is sooooo romantic!!

“My inner goddess fist-pumps the air above her chaise lounge.”

What the fuck does this even mean?

“If you were mine” Oh my what would I do to be his? He’s the only man who has ever set the blood racing through my body. Yet he’s so antagonizing too; he’s difficult, complicated, and confusing. One minute he rebuffs me, the next he sends me fourteen thousand dollar books, then tracks me like a stalker. And for all that, I have spent the night in his hotel suite, and I feel safe. Protected. He cares enough to come and rescue me from some mistakenly perceived danger. He’s not a dark knight at all but a white knight in shining, dazzling armor… a classic romantic hero.”

There is nothing more romantic than a man who takes your virginity one day and then acts like an asshole the next day. Mixed signals and volatile mood swings are such a turn on. Also, I can’t imagine anything sexier than being out with my friends and having a guy that I met once track my cell phone location so he could find me.

“I shrug, trapped. I don’t want to lose him. In spite of all his demands, his need to control, his scary vices. I have never felt as alive as I do now. It’s a thrill to be sitting here beside him. He’s so unpredictable, sexy, smart, and funny. But his moods… oh – and he wants to hurt me. He says he’ll think about my reservations, but it still scares me. I close my eyes. What can I say? Deep down I would just like more, more affection, more playful Christian, more… love.”

I don’t have a problem, so much, with the fact that women are getting off to a little erotica. I am just befuddled by the fact that this character has become this ideal fantasy man.  If, in the future, my daughter were to ever talk about a relationship in this way, I would be completely upset and afraid for her. No joke.

“I don’t remember reading about nipple clamps in the Bible.”

No, it’s there. I think it is in Deuteronomy. The verse goes like, “thou shalt only useth nipple clamps on the Sabbath”.

“Laters, Baby.”

Christian Grey is supposed to be a grown ass man, a straight man at that, a billionaire, and he says “Laters, baby”?  The next person that says “laters, baby” in real life is going to get punched in the kidney.

If you know of any other gems from this trilogy, please share with the class!!!