If you asked one of my kids what they were getting for Christmas, I’m sure they would rattle off a list that would make your head spin. It does mine. You’d think after all this time, at least Number One and Number Two would have lowered their expectations. Nope. Evidently, they think THIS is going to be the year of the windfall. Each year, they write out their wish list to send on to Santa. Well, this year, I’m writing Santa too. Here is the copy of the memorandum I have sent to the North Pole:

Dear Santa,

The kids are really looking forward to your visit this year. I am trying to appear excited. I think that, although you’ve had the best of intentions, some deliveries of years past have been–well, let’s just say, not very well thought out. For instance, the art set you left for Number One last year seemed perfect. Number One loves drawing and a bunch of sketching pencils and map pencils and few markers made her morning, especially with that giant sketch pad her father and I ended up getting her, as a complete coincidence. It turns out, Number Three likes sketching with pencils too. On walls. And, those markers, upon closer inspection, were paint pens. So, yeah. Much to Number One’s dismay, those mysteriously disappeared. That is why, this year, I thought some guidelines would do everyone involved a lot of good.

1) NO MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS!  I don’t care if it is a Paper Jamz guitar or a Stradivarius violin. It will meet the same fate as those damn paint pens.

2) NOTHING THAT PRODUCES ANYTHING EDIBLE! That cotton candy maker was a disaster. Sure, it makes cotton candy just fine but it also coats anyone and anything within a half mile radius with sugar. I tried contacting a customer service rep at your workshop to register a complaint to no avail. With the experience those elves supposedly have, you’d think that they would have considered the benefits of a lid or covering to keep children from being pelted with sugar.  Bottom line: unless wine is the final product, tell those elves to shove it up their ass.

3) ANYTHING THAT REQUIRES MORE THAN TWO BATTERIES- The only thing worse than the lights and sounds that emit from some of these toys is a child whining and nagging when the batteries die. If it requires more than 4 batteries, you can just leave that shit under someone else’s tree. And you tell those elves that I’m still pissed about the little trick they pulled two years ago with the flipping RC car. I replaced the 4 batteries in the remote and then I unscrewed the compartment on the car and replaced the four batteries there. It didn’t work. I couldn’t figure out why it wouldn’t work and Number Two is bitching and moaning about it being broken. Finally, I found the instructions and discover that there is another battery compartment needing three more batteries on the backside of the car. Seriously? Fuck you. I’d prefer not to have to take out a loan in order to keep the toys operational.

4) ANYTHING WITH “PIECES”- Any toy or game that requires even a minimum amount of responsibility or organization is not at all suitable for a household in which silverware, somehow, goes completely missing, never to be seen again. This includes but is not limited to: dice, puzzles, board games, etc.

5) ANYTHING REQUIRING AN ADULT- The whole point of any toy and the reason anyone is willing to put up with all the obnoxious lights and sounds is to entertain these fuck trophies. AMIRITE? Bringing something that requires even a minimum amount of adult oversight, involvement or direct supervision completely defeats that purpose. Let’s stick to items that will keep them out of my hair so that I can do more important things like drink wine and play on Facebook.

6) WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION- This include play-dough, slime, clay, putty, markers, paint and cosmetics. If it has significant potential to fuck shit up, don’t leave it at my house.

7) SHIT THAT HURTS WHEN STEPPED ON- This eliminates Lego’s, jacks and anything else that is smallish, pointy or otherwise suited to cause intense pain and/or suffering when stepped on. If you care about their safety, you will not supply my children with anything that could cause injury to the bottom of my foot.

I hope that you can adhere to these guidelines I have outlined. I want to continue to welcome you into our home, as the children look forward to it each year. If you disregard these requests, I will have no option but to find a creative recourse, since you have been granted immunity from tort claims. Rest assured, straying from the stated guidelines will bite you in the ass come 2013. My plan will include but is not limited to, laxatives in the reindeer snacks, ipecac in the milk, strategically placed legos between the fireplace and tree and a trip wire. Let’s work together this year and we’ll both be much happier.