It’s Almost Celebration Time

The champagne will be nicely chilled when the big day arrives. I am counting down the minutes. I thought this day would NEVER get here. But it is almost here. Only 6 more days. 6 MORE DAYS!?! I don’t know if I can hold out that long. I think I can. I think I can. I can. I will. The champagne reminds me that our time is near. In 6 days, Number One and Number Two will walk out the door and I will bid them adieu with ticker tape and a champagne toast to the back-end of their school buses.  The first day of school is a magical day.

Yes! I do have other kids. I’m like that goddamned woman who lived in a shoe. I’ll take what I can get and you don’t have to be a statistician or a child care expert to understand that less kids=less stress. From Monday-Friday, 8AM-3PM, there won’t be any fights over what TV show to watch. I won’t be questioned every 39 seconds, “Is it MY turn to play Minecraft?” I will only have 2 kids here to tear shit up, so my house will be 50% less messy.

Of course, their teachers will provide my children with the necessary materials to piss on my parade in the form of a mountain of paperwork for me to fill out. I think this year I’m just going to send a note back with them.
To whom it may concern:
I filled out all this shit last year. And the year before that. And the year before that. We haven’t moved. We are still married. No names have changed. Those listed as emergency contacts in previous years haven’t changed, nor have their numbers or their relationship to our children. You have my permission to take all those files and forms that I filled out last year, or any year prior, and stick them into a folder with a tab displaying the current school year. You can scratch off or white out the dates on the old folder for all I care. I give you complete administrative and creative license on that decision.

Here’s to a great school year,

Queen of the Couch

P.S. Number Two is in 2nd grade, He is 7. Let’s not assign these projects that require anything more than crayons and safety scissors, mmmmkay? If you wanted to analyze and grade a solar system constructed from molding clay, model paint, wires, wood, and a suspension system, elementary school is probably not your niche. This may come as a surprise to you, but most of those projects were not done by your students, but by their parents. The ones that are really, really shitty and look like they were made by a 7-year-old with construction paper and Elmer’s glue, those were probably done by the student. I’m not saying it is out of the question that even those were done by the parents because that is what it would look like if I had to do it. Just sayin. Remember and repeat: I teach 7 year olds. I teach 7 year olds. I teach 7 year olds.
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I know there are those parents out there that think I’m awful because I should be desperately trying to cram my children back into my vagina at a time like this. Look, I love my kids. A lot of times I even like them. School time is so important for our bonding.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder, AMIRITE?!?!

This is going to be the LONGEST WEEK EVER. I’m going to need wine.

10 thoughts on “It’s Almost Celebration Time

  1. Oh man, those über-parents who worship their children no matter how pesky they are go on my nerves no end. Children are cute and make you laugh and all but they are also noisy and messy and, at least for the first ten or so years don’t understand that you are a person too who has needs (mainly just peace and quiet every now and then and maybe a good night’s sleep will usually do). It’s a love-hate thing really.

    PS: Love your new design/background!

  2. My two oldest are SUPPOSED to have started preschool yesterday but apparently all of the other parents are assholes and enrolled super early and took all of the spots. Bastards….I can still drink wine though, right??

    • You should drink more wine. Make some flyers that say SUSPECTED DRUG DEALER/
      KIDNAPPER IN AREA and then give a vague “witness description” and get someone to stick on the cars at the day care. There will be a spot in no time.

  3. Mixed mixed mixed on this. Two of my kids have challenged the school system. You do not want that to happen. Schools do not handle their own crisis well overall. If child is able to fly under the radar… keep their hands mostly to themselves… not create any waves it is a nice break during the daytime when child(ren) is/are at school. If not you will have to work twice as hard to not only handle the problem but you will have to teach the entire group of adults what it is they probably slept through in their child development classes during school. I must say a few model teachers and administrators have truly proven this wrong but it seems no one pays attention when they have success with a child who has some learning and behavioral problems. They act as if it’s a fluke. I don’t drink at all. Can you suggest other vices to utilize for those days that are blessedly peaceful? Anyone?

    • We’ve been pretty lucky, so far, where teachers are concerned. My daughter had one a few years ago that was less than impressive. For being fresh out of school, she was already pretty jaded. Maybe she was just lazy. I’m not sure. I was just glad when that year was over. My son is visually impaired. He is in a regular class but he spends a bit of time each month with his vision teacher and his orientation and mobility teacher. Up to this point, his teachers have all been a dream. I’m hoping the trend continues.

      Wine is like a health drink! All natural. Doctor recommended! ;)

  4. What a honest post, I have three Son’s who have all flewn the nest but I remember those days well. I spent most of the school holidays trying to part them whilst they beat the crap our of each other,so cheers to you when you do celebrate : )

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