Recently, I have been researching and working hard on reforming myself and becoming a bona fide lady.  I think I am making major progress! Prior to learning how to look and act like a lady, I would wake up and put on sweats or cotton gym shorts and a t-shirt to prepare for a day spent inside the house, taking care of my litter of children. Now, however, I wake up, do my hair and make-up and put on a nice dress, heels and pearls. Okay, so that is an exaggeration. I just put on my dressy (i.e. not stained or ripped) yoga pants and tank top. If I am leaving the house, especially if I am dropping by the kid’s school, I will put on my dry weave coordinating workout ensemble.  See, the latest in stay-at-home mom/lady fashion is to always look like you are on your way to workout, even if you have no intention of ever breaking a sweat.I have been speaking very softly, like a lady speaks. I try not to think too hard, unless it is about what kind of sandwich I should make, and I don’t do anymore of that opinion having. I am coming to understand that if I want men to say they are interested in my brain, I need to nickname my vagina, “brain”. I’ve also been watching my language, in order to sound more ladylike. For instance, I don’t say I “fuck” my husband anymore. Now, I “make fuck” to my husband.  Like a lady.

Apparently, a lady does not tell others when doing her kegels. With this knowledge, I have stopped announcing to anyone within a 20 yard radius that I am vagi-cizing.

When I drink, like a lady, I drink wine.  That way, when I get totally drunk, I am “lady drunk”, which is classy.  I mean, to be fair, just  holding a wine glass makes you appear 30% less drunk than holding nothing or holding  any other drink container. That is just a scientific fact.

It seems, being a lady requires various cocktails of prescription pills, which I do not yet possess. That is on my “how to become a lady” to do list.

I am kicking ass—I mean, rear end–on the path to ladyhood. I am making lady lessons my bitch—I mean, my female dog. Now, I am going to put on a bra (because, if you can believe this shit–I mean, mess– ladies wear bras all the time!) and get ready to get lady drunk later. *curtsy*