Tag Archives: Conversation

If a Man Is Standing In the Forest and No One Is There To Hear Him, Is He Still Wrong?

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You know those people that will be telling you a story about people  you have never and will never meet but, for some reason, they feel compelled to derail from the point of their story to fill you in on the entire life story of every total stranger that has a supporting role in their story?  That person is my husband.

Last week, my husband came home from watching a football game and was excited to inform me that he had won a little cash on the game.  I was completely satisfied with that amount of information.  It was good news, no more details necessary.  So, I have no idea why my husband deemed it necessary to elaborate any further but he did.  He went on to begin explaining the details of the bet and why he won–some crap about “the spread”.  You would think my blank stare would suffice in making him realize he was talking to the wrong person but NO.  He just kept on about some play and some player that almost cost him the money and more crap about the spread.  Finally, I stopped him and reminded him that I don’t follow football and I had no idea what he was talking about but, hey, YEAH to winning money.  You would think the man didn’t know me at all or had not spent the last 11 years with me because he  began explaining these details and concepts to me.  Pan to me, wearing the same blank stare.  I stopped him again and told him that not only did I not know what he was talking about with all this football crap but, furthermore, I didn’t care.  Not even a teeny, tiny bit.  He looked at me, a bit stunned and then began trying to break it down even further.  When I stopped him, AGAIN (Seriously–11 years), I reiterated that I didn’t understand all the rules, details and jargon because I don’t care to understand any of it, not because it has never been effectively explained to me.  I told him it would be similar to me explaining to him why some of my shoes could be worn with jeans or a dress and others were not so versatile.  My point was made and we both moved on.  I give it one month before we have the exact same conversation because, believe it or not, this conversation has taken place countless times.  The details may change but the story is all the same.

The hubs is a crane operator and will often try to tell me stories about the job.  I try sooooo hard to feign interest.  I do.  It just never fails, though, that he will get sidetracked from telling the story to explain to me the logistics of some piece of machinery or the inner workings of some generator and I just can’t keep up the charade. 

I don’t know how a generator works or why X,Y,Z would cause it to malfunction or explode.  More importantly, though, I DON’T CARE!  Bless his heart, though, he thinks I do.  Well, at least until I tell him that I don’t.  I think I am going to start explaining to him why I put my make up on in the order that I do.

He is lucky I love him.  Most of the time.

 

The Numbers Game

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Boy notices girl.  Girl notices boy.  They lock eyes from across the crowded bar.  The world stands still.  It is, without a doubt, lust at first sight.  He knew the second he laid eyes on her that he wants to spend the rest of his night with her.  One night turns into a week and the next thing they both know, they are considering becoming facebook official!  It is in this “do we or don’t we” conversation that the dreaded question arises: “how many other people have you screwed?”. 

What I always find the most strange about this particular conversation between couples is the timing.  To me, the answer to this question is completely irrelevant anyways but to have this conversation, as most couples do, after the two of you have been humping like rabbits for a month makes it completely pointless.  We all know how this is going to go, too.  A man can say any number from 5-55 and most women will just accept the answer.  Sure, we might wonder how many of them were prettier than we were or quietly worry that he is thinking about one of them when he is with us but most of that all happens in our head.  This is only made worse if you personally know or even know the names of any of his past partners.  When you can put a name and/or face with any of those numbers, you will obsess over those the most.  Then one day, in a month or even a few years, he will ask  you something simple like, “is there any of that chicken leftover from last night?”, and you will flip the fuck out and yell, “I don’t know!  Why don’t you go ask that fucking whore, Lisa, if she has any chicken!!”.  For men, they will hear her number and if it is more than 4-5, he is going to emotionally recoil.  The fact of the matter is, he doesn’t really think you are a whore, he just now feels inadequate and insecure and worries that one of those other guys was better than him and/or one or all of them had a bigger dick than him.  Rather than throw any of these names in her face, as she would to him, the day he blows, he will just call her a dirty slut. 

Ladies, here are some tips to deal with this conversation, should it rear its ugly head:

  • Ask him to answer first.  Immediately after the number is revealed, start crying.  Tell him that you know they were all prettier and thinner than you.  Stand up and start pinching skin out at your love handles and stomach and, between sobs, demand that he admit that he is repulsed by you and the sight of you naked makes him physically ill.  Escape the conversation by telling him that you have to go run 10 miles and do 100 sit-ups.
  • Tell him you were a virgin before him.  If you are one of the rare couples that has this conversation before doing squat jumps on the cucumber, the virgin story will be a breeze.  Depending on your level of commitment, you could have fucked his best friend two weeks before and still pull this off.  You can go low commitment and just act shy and inexperienced or you can go all the way and have hymen replacement surgery.  (Do NOT attempt this method if you have children.)
  • Over share.  Outline the list of all your previous lovers fondly and  in great detail.  Give names and physical descriptions.  Use your hands/fingers to provide a visual reference to the length and girth of their members.  Provide detailed descriptions, even demonstrations, of any special moves or techniques that made them stand apart.  Next time the two of you are bumping bellies, say things like, “John didn’t ever finish before me.”.
  • Ask for a calculator.  Just start punching numbers in, stopping periodically to count on your fingers.  Then say, “Dammit!  I have to start over.”.  Repeat.  Never give an answer.
  • Ask, “you just want to know about PEOPLE, right?”.

Look, if you want to “play it safe”, asking such a question after the two of you have been smashing pissers for weeks or months is pointless.  I think it is a pointless conversation at any stage, really.  If you want to be proactive and your concern is sexual health, get tested before you start rolling in the sheets with one another.  If you start this conversation so far after the fact, I can only assume you are insecure, looking for an out or planning on getting on some moral high horse.  Grow the fuck up.  My husband and I have never had this conversation and never will.  It serves no purpose and, not to mention, who he fucked before he and I started dating has no bearing on our relationship.  It only matters to me if my husband has sex with someone else during our relationship/marriage.  If that happens, we wouldn’t be having a conversation, though.  Dead people suck at conversations.