- Post every random thought or move you make, no matter how mundane.
1:15pm-”Going to store!”.
1:28pm-”Yeah! Fish sticks are on sale!”.
1:44pm-”Standing in checkout line.”.
2:02pm-”I used $10 worth of coupons and made Krogers my bitch!”.
I don’t know what is worse. The fuckwits that think anyone should care about this random bullshit or the fuckwits that actually do and take the time to comment on this bullshit. I don’t have a life and you are boring the shit out of me. Congratulations. You win at sucking at life.
- Post cryptic messages (aka “vaguebooking”)
“Done crying! I am over it!”
-(comment)-”I’m sorry. You need to talk?”
-(response)-”no. This is personal.
Okay, fine. If it is so fucking personal, don’t post it on facebook. If you are going to put it out there, don’t be surprised when you illicit concern or confusion from your friends who have had this blasted on their news feeds.
- Post your workout regime and results. CONSTANTLY.
Do you really think anyone gives a fuck what body parts you worked today or how long you were at the gym or if you are soooo sad that you didn’t make it to the gym today? I don’t care about how many ounces of bland, boiled chicken you ate and how many calories you consumed and burned. If this is your only contribution to my news feed, you are most likely going to be hidden, at minimum.
- Posting love notes to and/or about your significant other all. the. time.
1:23PM “Hi baby! I love you so, so, so much!”
3:59 PM “2 weeks, 10 hours and 14 minutes ago, we met and fell in love. Happy two-week anniversary! I love you, boo!”
5:32 PM “I have the greatest boyfriend in the entire world. John Smith, I love you so much. I can’t wait until you get home from work! I miss you.”
7:10 PM “We just finished Glee! I have the most amazing boyfriend. He got me a bowl of ice cream. Awwwww! We are so in love, like Rachel and Finn.”
Who are you trying to convince, me or you? If you have to constantly validate one another and/or inform the world that you do, in fact, love your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, I am probably going to think you are on some pretty shaky ground. Well, it is either that or you are 14 years old (in which case, it just goes with the territory). If you can’t go an hour without proclaiming your love for him/her, do us all a favor and put it in an email, mmmmkay? No one is buying this bullshit anyways.
Also, calling your significant other “boo” should stand on its own on this list because that is super annoying too. What the fuck does that even mean? I have about 10 people on my friends list that constantly refer to their “boo” and it makes me want to punch them. “BOO” is said at the climax of a rousing game of “peek a boo” (which is often startling to babies) or something shouted to intentionally scare/startle someone. At what point did this catch on as a pet name? Does the sight of your loved one scare or startle you? It makes no fucking sense but I digress…
- Ask questions about subjects that can be easily searched
“Someone told me that dogs can’t eat grapes. Does anyone know if that is true?“
You obviously have internet access but, hey asshole, let me google that for you! I love it more when you point out that this information is easily found via a quick internet search and they reply “Yeah, I know but I just didn’t feel like taking the time to look it up.”. Are you fucking kidding me? In the time that it took you to type that status, you would have had your answer.
- What’s for dinner?
I don’t remember having Gordon fucking Ramsey on my friends list so why is my news feed clogged daily with descriptions and pictures of what you made/ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner? I don’t really give a fuck. You marinated a chicken for 6.5 hours, baked it with (insert spices/herb) and then made some reduction sauce or glaze and you picked peas from your garden, shelled them and steamed them? Now you want to post those specific details, along with a picture and I am supposed to do what? Unless you are delivering me a plate, I don’t get the point. I can forgive the occasional “look at what I made” post but I don’t need to see this every day for every meal. Entertain me, bitches!
- I do not want to be your neighbor in Farmville!
If I wanted to play Farmville or Yoville or join your mafia or your sorority, I would have probably accepted your invitation one of the first 50 times you sent it to me. If I didn’t accept your invitation to play, please don’t send me messages to my inbox or write on my wall telling me that you need this new cow or plant and you could get it if I join. I don’t give a fuck. Newsflash: it isn’t real! If you want to play, good for you but don’t try to make me give a rat’s ass about your pretend farm or job or mafia. It won’t work.
- Having no grasp of the English language and having no shame about that
“Wut iz up? Iz hangen wit ma peeps n da mall. Den gona partay at dis club wit ma homeez.”
Shoot me. Please. Right in the face. This shit is like kryptonite to me. For your sake, for my sanity, for the love of society, please go back to school.
- Tag me in embarrassing or ugly photos
Yes, we went out Friday and I had more than a couple of jager bombs and it was 100 degrees outside. I don’t mind that you took pictures of our girls night at the bar but what the fuck would possess you to post them on facebook, much less tag me in them? If they are funny, horrible, shoot them to me in an email so we can laugh about them. You’re either an idiot or an asshole.
Just stop it.