Tag Archives: facebook

Mommy Martydom

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Some friends and I were chatting and the the above meme card came up, which has been posted around Facebook, and we discovered that we were unanimously annoyed with the implied sentiment. Listen up ladies, this isn’t the 1950′s! Your goal in life no longer has to be landing a husband so you can spend the rest of your life finding shoes to compliment your newest apron or dedicate yourself solely to dispensing little humans out of your vagina like Pez. Supposedly, the sky is the limit–okay, well the glass ceiling is the limit (wink, wink). You can go to college, and not just for your M.R.S. degree. You can have a career. You can have an active social life and go out with friends. The world is your oyster! That is, until you have a child. At that point, you are only supposed to concern yourself with all things mommy. You are allowed to go back to work BUT only if you NEED the income. I’m sure there is a meme card somewhere that says, “Sorry I quit my job and can’t afford my mortgage, I was busy being an awesome mom!”  If your combined household income affords you material purchases like designer handbags or new furniture, you’re not putting your child first. Awesome moms don’t care if the garage apartment is furnished with fabric covered crates, as long as she can spend every waking moment staring at the fruits of her womb. What do you mean Jane called and wants to have a girl’s night out? You’re a mommy! Unless Jane is wanting to meet up at mommy and me yoga or the La Leche League luncheon, what is the point? Don’t you know, when good mommies have babies, their selfish desires and personal need for things like social interaction not related to children is expelled with the placenta? Everyone knows that any mother that would be willing to abandon her child for any amount of time for selfish endeavors like work or socializing with friends or, dare I even say it, imbibe in an adult beverage with other adults is negligent, if not completely unfit.
Here is my confession: This may come as a total shock to some of you but being a mom, in and of itself, does not always make me feel completely fulfilled and blissful. I know that the sanctimommy handbook says that I shouldn’t want anything beyond birthing, breastfeeding and wiping shit from a litter of baby asses but, for some reason, I need to get away from time to time. As much as one would think that watching the school themed episode of Blue’s Clues for the 14th time today would never get old. It does. I know it’s hard to imagine that explaining to a toddler for the 20,134th time why poop goes in the potty and not in his pants could ever get annoying but, believe it or not, it does. I know when I tell people that the wake up, make breakfast, nap time battle, house keeping, bath and bed time routine can get monotonous and mundane, they stare at me in utter disbelief. Alas, I don’t find it as riveting as other moms claim. Look, I love my children. I’ve never loved anything more in all my life. I would literally give my life for any one of them without a moment’s hesitation. They make me laugh every single day. At times, though, they make me consider which kitchen gadget would be best suited for rendering myself completely deaf. That thought ultimately always leads me to my electric wine opener, at which point I reconsider because it is a bad ass wine opener and I’d hate to ruin it so, instead, I decide to call a friend or two and put it towards its intended use.

Wake up and smell the mimosa! Achieving awesomeness in the mommy department doesn’t require women to sacrifice friends and a social life. I can be a great mother and a great friend. I can be a good mother and still have a social life. If your cup of tea is spending every  moment of every day holding or hovering over your children and your idea of socializing with friends is instagramming your latest dinner creation, who am I to judge? If you aspire to be the “perfect mom”, good luck with that goal. A little secret, though: There is no such thing.  I’ll settle for being a pretty good mom, well, most of the time. Sometimes, I am just an “okay” mom. Whether I’m tired, irritated or, at times, overwhelmed, I have my bad days. Usually, I find it is quickly cured with nothing more than a couple of phone calls or texts to decide who’s providing the porch and who is bringing the wine. I like to spend time with my friends. These nights allow me to decompress. I get to be around adults. I get to talk about adult things. Our drinks don’t need to be punctured with a tiny straw; they need cork screws and everyone can pour their own. A night with the girls is the best and cheapest therapy available. We open a bottle of wine or four and talk, gossip and laugh. Truth be told, very little of our conversation centers around our children now that I think about it. We may tell a funny story or two about something they said or did but then it is on to the other topics like husbands and the latest gossip.  Stories will be told about husband fights and we’re going to tell each other when we we’re on the right side of the fight and totally wrong and acting like a spoiled ass. We drink, we laugh, we curse, we vent, we bitch. Karaoke is often involved, even if we are just singing along at the top of our lungs to someone’s play list. Usually, when I get home, my cheeks are almost sore from laughing and, somehow or another, my children are sound asleep, oblivious to and unfazed by my adults only play date.

Girls night at my house with some of my favorite bitches

Moms: There is nothing wrong with you if you want to spend time away from your children. Being a great mom doesn’t require you to sacrifice your identity as an individual. I am a mother but that is not the only thing that defines me. I am more than just a mom. These times, with my friends, serve as a reminder of that. We support one another through everything; the trials of parenting, fights with our husbands, losing a member of our wine gang and my best friend, Misty, to ALS.  We can’t always drop what we’re doing and meet on the patio but we have all proven our ability to one another to come through in a pinch. At the end of the day, these girls and the time we spend together centers me.  My marriage and my family are my top priorities but I also make my friends a priority. I am actually a much better mother because I have them in my life. Is there really any such thing as having too much support? I am a good mom.  Having and spending time with friends, doing things that don’t revolve around my children, doesn’t change that. I’ll go so far as to say it makes me a better mom.

One of our last girls’ nights all together with Misty

This Assholes Anonymous Meeting is Called to Order

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“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” -Marilyn Monroe

The quote has popped up on my Facebook newsfeed more times than I care to count. It is posted most often by single friends but not exclusively. Regardless of whether or not the person blasting this quote on Facebook is single or married, younger or older,  this Marilyn Monroe quote seems to be typically heralded as an expression of female empowerment and  is almost always met with agreement and support, like:

“hell yeah!”

“I love Marilyn”

“AMEN!!”

“That’s right and any guy who can’t manage can get lost”

Well, here goes–I’m going to just come out and say it—STOP IT! If the above quote truly describes you and your behavior, perhaps you should consider therapy. If you actually believe that you are entitled to behave irrationally, selfishly and out of control and others are supposed to just accept it or be considered unworthy of being treated with respect, that is a problem. I’m not sure if these women aren’t really reading or comprehending this quote or if they think having a vagina absolves them of behaving like complete asshats.

Let’s change the scenario a bit. What if a man updated his status to say:

“I’m self centered and jealous. I’ll make mistakes,  I’ll lie, I’m controlling, quick to anger, manipulative and I will cheat. If you can’t handle the bad days, you don’t deserve my good days. “

Would that be met with the same response? I have little doubt he would be completely admonished, even though, if you want to hold Marilyn’s original quote up against the details of her personal life, the rewrite is just an elaboration of the original quote. I suppose it just doesn’t sound as eloquent, much less admirable or empowering, even if it is completely accurate.

If you are the type of person to “test” your relationships, don’t be surprised when people eventually fail. Now, Marilyn Monroe’s mental illness is well documented and was obviously a major contributing factor in her treatment of and expectations in, not to mention outcomes of, her relationships. She was married and divorced three times and her longest marriage was five years. Her affairs are just as famous, if not more famous, than her marriages. The bottom line is, anyone that knows the slightest bit about Marilyn Monroe’s troubled history knows that Monroe’s personal life is not one to emulate. If I need to give my relationship philosophy in 20 words or less, I much prefer the tried and true “Golden Rule” or any of its variations. Just treat people the way you want to be treated. It’s one thing to admit to being fallible. It’s one thing to admit you are flawed. It’s quite another thing, though, to believe others are obligated to unconditionally love you and accept bad behaviors without the slightest consequence.

Now, for the love of Chardonnay, stop the madness. If it makes a difference, just remember Lindsay Lohan has stated how closely she identifies with Monroe. You don’t want to be in that club.

 

What NOT to Post on Facebook

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I love Facebook. I am absolutely addicted. It is a great place to keep up with family and friends. It offers the chance to keep up with current events and you may even find out points of view of your friends and family that you would not have, otherwise, discovered. From news, to entertainment, to what the hell is everyone doing on Friday, it is available in one place. I like to use my personal Facebook very lightheartedly, for the most part. At least once a day, I am stunned at what people will post on their Facebook pages. I know that, for those that are diligent about their privacy settings, these postings are only viewable by their closest 387 friends but I still urge you to take a second and consider the following before you hit that “enter” key.

1) No one really needs to know about the activity of your bowels.

Seriously. It’s fucking gross. Whether they are inactive or overactive, it is too fucking much information. What is the point of sharing this with hundreds of people?

2) Sharing about your children’s shitting habits is just as disgusting.

Telling all of your friends that little Janie’s ass exploded in her diaper and describing in any detail about how much, how far down her legs it ran or how much laundry you had to do as a result is more than we ever needed to know. I assure you, little Janie will be horrified that you shared this information one day.

3) Your friends/family don’t need to know EVERY detail about your pregnancy, labor or childbirth.

Sharing stories about cravings, bitching about weight gain or baby movements, etc is fine. You do not, however, need to tell us about things like your mucous plug, leaking breasts, bloody show, sweeping membranes or how many fingers your doctor got into your vadge during the cervical exam. Give us the abridged, family friendly version.

Hey! I just started my period!

4) Every random thought or action you make throughout the day.


10:30am- Just had breakfast. Oatmeal and toast. nom nom nom

10:54am- I forgot to get trash bags at the store!

11:47am – at the store, getting trash bags!

12:49pm- I love Ellen show

3:20pm- It’s hot outside.

3:32pm- wish I had a pool :(

4:49pm-Gotta make dinner

5:36pm-dinner smells good!

6:07pm- dinner is delicious! (complete with picture)

7:00pm- nothing on TV

8:11pm- getting tired *yawn*

9:02pm- going to bed. GN FB!

Is that really necessary? Why do people think that anyone wants to know every fucking move you make or every thought that passes through your head. If you are bored while living that shit, what makes you think READING about it would be entertaining? Watching paint dry would be more interesting. Take that shit to twitter.

5) Your relationship bullshit

You can’t wait to kissy and cuddle your hunky schmoopy poo? Don’t post that shit on his/her Facebook page, mmmkay. Send it in a text or make a personal phone call.  Why do you think the world needs to be privy to this ridiculousness? Keep the pillow talk to yourselves, especially if it involves baby talk and stupid pet names.  My favorites are those that have to say “cuddling with the hubby and watching a movie”. Here’s a novel idea: Why don’t you put down your iPad or smart phone and actually spend time with your significant other. Facebook will still be there in 92 minutes when your movie is over.

On the other side of the same coin, there is couples drama. Now, I won’t go so far as to discourage this because, well, it is totally entertaining. If you want to hash out your disagreement for everyone to see, I won’t tell you to stop. I’m going to pop some fucking popcorn and sit back and hope for fireworks! Put on a good show and I will even ‘like’ my favorite comments. Consider those clicks to be my votes for the ‘winner’ of the argument. (Don’t mistake my amusement or participation for approval. You are making complete asses of yourselves. I, like most other people, just can’t take my eyes off a train wreck.)6) How BUSY, BUSY you are.

You’ve posted three statuses in 2 hours about how you have so much work to do, so much paperwork, so much organizing, you never have enough time to get anything done because the boss, or your homework or your kids have you completely overwhelmed and you barely have time to take a piss. In between posting those status updates and comments, you have achieved a new high score in Bejeweled, shared some Youtube funnies and commented on pictures from last weekend.

7) Vaguebook posts

I have a couple of friends that are notorious for this one. (coughHEATHERcough) The status usually is three words or less and leaves you wondering what the fuck they are referring to and if they are in some sort of distress. Some examples are:

“THIS ISN’T HAPPENING!” (which you later find out was a response to the American Idol results show)

“Wow. Just wow.” (turns out, some one cut them off in the parking lot of work)

 

What would you add to the list of FB DON’Ts?

How to be annoying on Facebook:

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  • Post every random thought or move you make, no matter how mundane.   

1:15pm-”Going to store!”.

1:28pm-”Yeah!  Fish sticks are on sale!”.

1:44pm-”Standing in checkout line.”.

2:02pm-”I used $10 worth of  coupons and made Krogers my bitch!”.

I don’t know what is worse.  The fuckwits that think anyone should care about this random bullshit or the fuckwits that actually do and take the time to comment on this bullshit.  I don’t have a life and you are boring the shit out of me.  Congratulations.  You win at sucking at life.

  • Post cryptic messages (aka “vaguebooking”)

“Done crying!  I am over it!”

-(comment)-”I’m sorry.  You need to talk?”

-(response)-”no.  This is personal.

Okay, fine.  If it is so fucking personal, don’t post it on facebook.  If you are going to put it out there, don’t be surprised when you illicit concern or confusion from your friends who have had this blasted on their news feeds.

  • Post your workout regime and results.  CONSTANTLY.

Do you really think anyone gives a fuck what body parts you worked today or how long you were at the gym or if you are soooo sad that you didn’t make it to the gym today?  I don’t care about how many ounces of bland, boiled chicken you ate and how many calories you consumed and burned.  If this is your only contribution to my news feed, you are most likely going to be hidden, at minimum.

  • Posting love notes to and/or about your significant other all. the. time.

1:23PM  “Hi baby!  I love you so, so, so much!”

3:59 PM “2 weeks, 10 hours and 14 minutes ago, we met and fell in love.  Happy two-week anniversary!  I love you, boo!”

5:32 PM “I have the greatest boyfriend in the entire world.  John Smith, I love you so much.  I can’t wait until you get home from work!  I miss you.”

7:10 PM “We just finished Glee!  I have the most amazing boyfriend.  He got me a bowl of ice cream.  Awwwww!  We are so in love, like Rachel and Finn.”

Who are you trying to convince, me or you?  If you have to constantly validate one another and/or inform the world that you do, in fact, love your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, I am probably going to think you are on some pretty shaky ground.  Well, it is either that or you are 14 years old (in which case, it just goes with the territory).  If you can’t go an hour without proclaiming your love for him/her, do us all a favor and put it in an email, mmmmkay? No one is buying this bullshit anyways.

Also, calling your significant other “boo” should stand on its own on this list because that is super annoying too.  What the fuck does that even mean?   I have about 10 people on my friends list that constantly refer to their “boo” and it makes me want to punch them.  “BOO” is said at the climax of a rousing game of “peek a boo” (which is often startling to babies) or something shouted to intentionally scare/startle someone.  At what point did this catch on as a pet name?  Does the sight of your loved one scare or startle you?   It makes no fucking sense but I digress…

  • Ask questions about subjects that can be easily searched

“Someone told me that dogs can’t eat grapes.  Does anyone know if that is true?“

You obviously have internet access but, hey asshole, let me google that for you!  I love it more when you point out that this information is easily found via a quick internet search and they reply “Yeah, I know but I just didn’t feel like taking the time to look it up.”.  Are you fucking kidding me?  In the time that it took you to type that status, you would have had your answer.

  • What’s for dinner?

I don’t remember having Gordon fucking Ramsey on my friends list so why is my news feed clogged daily with descriptions and pictures of what you made/ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner?  I don’t really give a fuck.  You marinated a chicken for 6.5 hours, baked it with (insert spices/herb) and then made some reduction sauce or glaze and you picked peas from your garden, shelled them and steamed them?  Now you want to post those specific details, along with a picture and I am supposed to do what?  Unless you are delivering me a plate, I don’t get the point.  I can forgive the occasional “look at what I made” post but I don’t need to see this every day for every meal.  Entertain me, bitches!

  • I do not want to be your neighbor in Farmville!

If I wanted to play Farmville or Yoville or join your mafia or your sorority, I would have probably accepted your invitation one of the first 50 times you sent it to me.  If I didn’t accept your invitation to play, please don’t send me messages to my inbox or write on my wall telling me that you need this new cow or plant and you could get it if I join.  I don’t give a fuck.  Newsflash:  it isn’t real!  If you want to play, good for you but don’t try to make me give a rat’s ass about your pretend farm or job or mafia.  It won’t work.

  • Having no grasp of the English language and having no shame about that

“Wut iz up?  Iz hangen wit ma peeps n da mall.  Den gona partay at dis club wit ma homeez.”

Shoot me.  Please.  Right in the face.  This shit is like kryptonite to me.  For your sake, for my sanity, for the love of society, please go back to school.

  • Tag me in embarrassing or ugly photos

Yes, we went out Friday and I had more than a couple of jager bombs and it was 100 degrees outside.  I don’t mind that you took pictures of our girls night at the bar but what the fuck would possess you to post them on facebook, much less tag me in them?  If they are funny, horrible, shoot them to me in an email so we can laugh about them.  You’re either an idiot or an asshole.

Just stop it.