Tag Archives: funny

Stupid Things We Say

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  • ‘No offense BUT…’:  Prefacing an insult with a disclaimer does not negate the offense.
  • ‘Everything happens for a reason’:  No shit, Sherlock. We all know that every action results in an equal and opposite reaction, we all know that death occurs because we aren’t immortal but I’m most confused by how this became the default expression of condolences. Who decided this was a comforting thing to say in the wake of a tragedy or grief?  An asshole, that’s who.
  • ‘He worked like a dog’:  I have four dogs. They spend the day eating, sleeping and licking their assholes. I’m not impressed.
  • ‘I’m sorry BUT…”:  This goes along with ‘no offense but…”.  When you add the word “BUT”, the apology is completely negated.  It’s a patronizing and passive aggressive attempt to disguise an effort to assign blame to the other person. If you’re sorry, apologize, if you’re not, don’t.
  • ‘Easy as pie’:  A pie is pretty fucking hard to make. I’m just sayin’.

What are some overused expressions that drive you nuts?

I’z Gonna Be A Lady Someday, Though I Didn’t Know When or How

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Recently, I have been researching and working hard on reforming myself and becoming a bona fide lady.  I think I am making major progress! Prior to learning how to look and act like a lady, I would wake up and put on sweats or cotton gym shorts and a t-shirt to prepare for a day spent inside the house, taking care of my litter of children. Now, however, I wake up, do my hair and make-up and put on a nice dress, heels and pearls. Okay, so that is an exaggeration. I just put on my dressy (i.e. not stained or ripped) yoga pants and tank top. If I am leaving the house, especially if I am dropping by the kid’s school, I will put on my dry weave coordinating workout ensemble.  See, the latest in stay-at-home mom/lady fashion is to always look like you are on your way to workout, even if you have no intention of ever breaking a sweat.I have been speaking very softly, like a lady speaks. I try not to think too hard, unless it is about what kind of sandwich I should make, and I don’t do anymore of that opinion having. I am coming to understand that if I want men to say they are interested in my brain, I need to nickname my vagina, “brain”. I’ve also been watching my language, in order to sound more ladylike. For instance, I don’t say I “fuck” my husband anymore. Now, I “make fuck” to my husband.  Like a lady.

Apparently, a lady does not tell others when doing her kegels. With this knowledge, I have stopped announcing to anyone within a 20 yard radius that I am vagi-cizing.

When I drink, like a lady, I drink wine.  That way, when I get totally drunk, I am “lady drunk”, which is classy.  I mean, to be fair, just  holding a wine glass makes you appear 30% less drunk than holding nothing or holding  any other drink container. That is just a scientific fact.

It seems, being a lady requires various cocktails of prescription pills, which I do not yet possess. That is on my “how to become a lady” to do list.

I am kicking ass—I mean, rear end–on the path to ladyhood. I am making lady lessons my bitch—I mean, my female dog. Now, I am going to put on a bra (because, if you can believe this shit–I mean, mess– ladies wear bras all the time!) and get ready to get lady drunk later. *curtsy*