Tag Archives: People

Pop Quiz

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Pull out a pencil and piece of paper, boys and girls! It has come to my attention that it is necessary to test your ability to distinguish between literal statements and hyperbolic or satirical rhetoric.

1) If I state, “I am going to kill my husband for not taking out the trash”, should you:

a) Call the police

b) Nod in agreement because you’ve been there

2) If you overhear a mother saying to her child, “I have already told you a million times not to do that”, do you:

a) Think it is weird that she would repeat herself THAT many times, as well as impressive that she kept such an accurate and extensive count

b) Assume she has probably repeated herself but, probably, no more than 3-5 times

3) If Joe says he is going to “slap Jane with a lawsuit”, does he mean:

a)he is going to strike Jane with a stack of court papers

b) he is just planning on suing Jane

4) If I say that letting your thong hang out above your pants is “classy”, do you assume that:

  a) I have very poor taste in fashion and/or a misinterpretation of the definition of “classy”

b) I am being facetious

If you answered mostly “A”, pretty much everything I write will fly over your head. Do us both a favor and move along.  If you answered mostly “B”, CONGRATULATIONS! You have a fully functioning brain!!

Oh, and again, if you are offended by foul language, you are going to fucking hate my posts.

People Just Never Cease To Amaze Me

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After my recent blog about the stupid things people say to pregnant women and just when I thought I had heard it all, I had an encounter during a recent ultrasound that took the cake.  Let me preface this by saying that it is rare that something or someone renders me speechless.  I usually have a lot to say and will voice my opinion at any given opportunity but this woman put me at a complete loss for words.  Okay, so let’s get in the DeLorean and go back in time to my ultrasound appointment a week ago…

I am laying on the table, with my shirt pulled up over my ginormous belly and the paper table-cloth tucked into the super sexy elastic lining of my shorts as the tech is typing random shit into her computer.  She starts asking me the usual small talk questions over the sound of the “PPPPPFFFFTTT” made when she squeezes the bottle of gel over my stomach.

Tech: “So, do you have any other children?”

Me: “Yes, this is my fourth.”

Tech: “How old are your others?”

Me: “I have a ten-year old daughter and my sons are five and two.”

Tech: “Do they all have the same Dad?”

Me: *blank stare* “Huh? Yeah. Ummm—-wait—what?!?”

Tech: “It’s just that, usually, with an age gap like that they don’t have the same father.”

The talk switched to the baby on the ultrasound screen at that point, which immediately held my undivided attention, completely distracting from the awkward exchange that had just taken place.  After I left the doctor’s office, the conversation replayed in my head and I have to admit, it really pissed me off.  What the shit kind of question is that to ask?  It is obviously irrelevant to the job at hand and, therefore, none of her fucking business.  For the record, my children were all fathered by my husband but I still found the question completely obnoxious and intrusive.  I haven’t said anything about it to anyone else at the doctor’s office but I keep wondering if I should.

 

What are some of the most obnoxious questions or comments you have heard, pregnant or not, from strangers or alleged professionals?

When did you lose your virginity and what is the diameter of your vaginal opening?

The “F” Word

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You know the one I am talking about.  That’s right, the dreaded “F” word–FEMINISM. I hear in conversation and see, via Facebook, blogs, etc, women distancing themselves from the feminist label.  Looking at the dictionary definition of feminism:

Feminism-the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men.

Can someone please tell me why people, especially women, would denounce this ideology?  How did the word “feminism” become so offensive?  I hear or read, too many times, women prefacing sentences with the disclaimer, “I am not a feminist or anything BUT…”.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Are these women aware that, even today, women get paid $.70 on the dollar that men make for doing the same job?  Are these women aware that, statistically, 1 in 4 women are raped?  Are these women so willing to just accept, even defend, this status quo or is it just that they have subscribed to a polluted version of feminism?

Being a feminist doesn’t mean that you have to burn your bra, shave your head and wear Birkenstocks.  You don’t have to hate men and vow to become a vagina-tarian.  We feminists are even okay with you shaving your body hair and washing and styling the hair on your head, if you so desire.  You are allowed to love shoes, jewelry and even penis!  Radicals exist in every subset of society.  Lumping all feminists in with a handful militant man haters is like assuming all white men are members of the KKK.

One of my favorite quotes, regarding feminism is:  I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is:  I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a door mat or a prostitute.  ~Rebecca West, “Mr Chesterton in Hysterics: A Study in Prejudice,” The Clarion, 14 Nov 1913, reprinted in The Young Rebecca, 1982

You are a feminist if:

  • You agree that salaries shouldn’t be contingent on whether or not you are sporting an innie or an outie in your pants.
  • You are able to accept acts of courtesy and chivalry without confusing such gestures with condescension.  In other words, you can acknowledge that opening the door for someone or having the door opened for you is an act of courtesy but having the gesture followed by the statement, “I just had to get a good look at that ass.” is absolutely not.
  • If you don’t consider the pursuit of or demonstration of knowledge/intelligence to be a female flaw.
  • You do or will hold your daughter(s) to the same  standards as your son(s), academically and otherwise.  Your expectations for your children and their futures are not determined by their genitals.
  • You acknowledge that women have the right and ability to manage a family and career but support their right to forgo either.

You are not a feminist if:

  • You think that women’s career choices should be limited to making men sandwiches, cleaning up the kitchen, having babies or making babies.
  • You teach your daughter that college is only a place to find a husband.
  • You think “check out the cans on that bitch” is a compliment and you hope your daughter(s) get to feel the joy of having those words said about/to them, at least once, in their lifetimes.
  • You believe that copping a quick feel is a perfectly acceptable way for a man to convey his interest to a woman.  Your daughter, as well, will understand that getting groped by random men should not be met with indignation but flattery.  She should base her value on how many men want to sleep with her.
  • You don’t feel women should demonstrate intelligent or independent thought or hold an opinion that dissents from the majority.  As a result, you will teach your daughter(s) to act stupid, especially in front of men.  Rather than draw attention to their brains, they should draw attention to their boobs.
  • You think the best universal answer for a woman to give, when asked any question, is a high-pitched giggle and an “I don’t know.  I don’t get it.  I like pink.”.

 

Personally, I consider myself a feminist and I can only hope that my daughter AND my sons will wear the “feminist” label proudly.