I knew I shouldn’t have joined the gym, dammit!  I must admit, though, when the voice in my head said, “you’ll pay for this”, I thought it meant that I would be really sore.  If I knew that this is how it would end up, I wouldn’t have signed those papers.

Yesterday, I decide to go hit the treadmill and a rip60 class in the hopes of dropping a few lumps of fat gifted to me by Number Four.  As I am getting ready, I remember that I have a pair of plastic sauna pants in my closet.  I put them on, since the more you sweat the more you lose.  I ran to the store to grab a plastic water bottle, some ear buds and a couple of post workout candy bars (don’t judge me!).  After that, I head to the gym and jump on a treadmill.  After about 15 minutes, I walk over to the area where the class will be held.  Let me paint this picture for you:  The rip60 class isn’t held in a classroom.  The suspension mount is set up in the middle of the gym.  IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GYM.  It is not enclosed.  It is not blocked from view.  It is held IN PLAIN VIEW, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GYM.  Anyhoo, we warm up with neck and hip rotations, then we grab on to the bands and start doing lunges and squats.  After several sets of these exercises, the instructor tells us to get into plank position and hold it for 60 seconds.  I comply. I bend over and ease down to the ground to assume the plank position on my toes and forearms.  I am straining to hold the position as the instructor begins walking around, counting down and checking our form.  She bends down at my side and I prepare to adjust my form, when she asks, “are you wearing pants under those?”

“No”, I answered.

“Well, your pants are ripped”, she replied.

I sit up and feel and sure enough, there is a rip along my inner thigh.  I tell her I am going to check in my car for some shorts.  As I stand up, I see behind me, there is a small group of people who have stopped and are looking in my direction.  I make another assessment of the situation and realize it is worse than I thought.  The rip goes from the inner thigh of one leg, across my promised land and down the inner thigh of the other leg. The only part of my lower body that was covered were my knees and calves.  I just gave half of Gold’s Gym a free shot of my striped hot pink Hanes her ways and post baby thighs and ass cheeks.  I did it in the fucking plank position too, with shaky legs and clenched ass and all.  Someone kill me.  I ran out of the gym, my arms flailing wildly and screaming “I’M NEVER COMING HERE AGAIN! NEVER!” Okay, not really but that is what I felt like doing.  No, I walked out of that gym with my head held high and my ass hanging out.  I don’t know if I can show my face there again.  Maybe everyone was so focused on my  ass that no one will recognize my face!