Tag Archives: Pregnancy

Secrets of Motherhood

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I’m dedicating this one to my sister.  She is due next month with her first child. Of course, she has spent the better part of the last 36 weeks being bombarded with advice, most of it unsolicited and, often, useless.  If you’re a parent, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Within moments of going public with news of your pregnancy, anyone that has ever laid eyes on a baby has some pearl of wisdom that they MUST bestow upon you. I mean ANYONE AND EVERYONE. Your family, your friends, the lady behind you in the checkout line, the cashier at the frozen yogurt parlor. EV. REE. ONE.   Perfect strangers will, without hesitation, inquire about your tentative birth plan or whether you plan on breastfeeding. They’re not just asking for small talk, either. To most of these people, there IS a right answer and a wrong answer. Are you pro-epidural? Well, if you didn’t know about it before, you’ll meet at least one person that will provide you a lengthy and detailed synopsis of  “The Business of Being Born” and launch into a diatribe about inductions, interventions, floppy babies and the c-section rate in the US.  Thinking about going unmedicated? Well, prepare yourself because best friends and strangers alike will laugh condescendingly as they place bets on how long it will be before you’re begging for an epidural because if they can’t fathom the thought of enduring labor past 3cm, the only people who could or would are either stupid or crazy. If you state your intent to breastfeed, you’ll hear about how they did it for a day or a week and, you’ll learn the hard way like they did, that it is too hard or too inconvenient or too gross.  If you plan on using formula, you’ll hear all about its inferiority as a nutrition source, the evils of Nestle, and the words obesity, diabetes, and asthma over and again. comic

So, for her and anyone else interested, I’m here to cram my opinions, thoughts and advice on the subject down your throat:

PREGNANCY:

1) If you can’t see your vulva, don’t go blindly waving a twelve blade razor around the area. What has your clitoris ever done to you that would warrant threatening it in such a way? Get a professional or, at minimum, a spotter.

2) The two people who made the baby are the only people who get a say in the baby’s name. Rest assured, if you choose to share the name, there will be people who will hate the name and will make no attempt whatsoever to disguise their disgust. Often, they will offer you one or more alternatives from their mental list of acceptable baby names that, evidently, they have compiled for anytime someone is discussing the name they have chosen for their unborn child.

3) That man of yours that has been so wonderful, funny, charming–your soul mate, since the day you two met? Well, he is soon going to become the most selfish, worthless idiot you’ve ever known because any man who loved you, much less his child, would have taken the time to read those pregnancy books and would know better than to serve you a sandwich overflowing with three kinds of deli meats. If he’s anything like my husband, the asshole will cheat on you in your dreams all the time. We’re still working through that in counseling.

4) Someone, somewhere, at some point in time, declared that the bodies of pregnant women were public domain. Perfect strangers will approach you in the mall, in the streets or right out of a bathroom stall and molest you if you appear at all pregnant. I’m urging pregnant women everywhere to put their sore, tired, swollen foot down and reclaim their autonomy. Do it for yourself. Do it for womankind.

5) The father of your child will say something stupid when you are in labor. Trust me. It will most likely be one of the following:
a) “I’m so tired.”

b) “My back is killing me.”

c) “At least you get to lay in a bed.”

d) “How much longer is this going to take?”

6) IMPORTANT! IMPORTANT! IMPORTANT! Do NOT become tempted to get a mirror and check out your undercarriage for, at least, several weeks after you launch a new human from your birth cannon. TRUST ME! There are few things more traumatizing than holding a mirror to get a look at your south side and having a wide open, clear view up to your brain. I promise, it’s all going to go back to normal. Just give it more than an hour.

PARENTING:

1) You are not going to sleep. Not for a long, long time. Just accept it. Your friend that tells you about their baby that started sleeping in 12 hour shifts at the age 3 hours old is either a liar or an asshole for responding to your lack of sleep complaint with her supernatural tale, especially when she uses the “that’s so weird” tone.  End the friendship. Don’t take the advice of the other friend and start giving your 3 week old infant cereal. Look, if you wanted to sleep, you shouldn’t have had a baby.

2) You aren’t cool anymore. You never will be. Just accept it. The most you can hope for is being “cooler” than some other parents. Your cool quotient will decrease in direct proportion to the number of children you have. You can be one of those, “I’ll NEVER own a minivan” parents but, trust me, unloading four kids from a Tahoe doesn’t make you cooler than the parent unloading three from a Sienna.

3) If you don’t already have some sort of crafty talent that can be honed into a business, you better get one. Get to the craft store, stock up on ribbons, glue sticks, tulle and glitter and get to work. You are going to have to have some merchandise to show if your vision of using Etsy and Facebook as a stepping stone to a bricks and mortar bow and tutu shop  is ever going to come to fruition. If you lack the creative, artsy-fartsy gene, other acceptable mom businesses include fragrant wax warming systems and body wraps.

4) Before having a child, you would have sex several times a week, anywhere you wanted. That was BEFORE you had a child. Now, if you aren’t too tired to have sex, you’ll only have 5-10 minutes to make some magic happen. Oh, you always liked getting started with a little oral? Well, who didn’t? Now, your new favorite foreplay is called “who can get their pants off the fastest”. Foreplay is a thing of the past, as is sexual fulfillment and satisfaction. Your mood music repertoire may have included Al Green or Paramore but now the tune that will accompany your romantic trysts goes like: “D-D-D-D-D-Dora, D-D-D-D-D-Dora! Dora, Dora, Dora the explorer…”. Just accept it.  Trust me, in no time at all, not only will that be like your  mating call, you will also have a sexy (and I use that term loosely) little dance that goes along with it.

5) If the other moms in the neighborhood, at the park or in the play group ask: you are all gluten-free. This is like a cult. Conspicuously carry a bottle of gluten-free ranch to give your children with their veggie sticks. If the little blabber mouth slips about Shipley’s donut holes, launch into a tirade about your friend, now ex-friend, babysitting while you went to a last-minute doctor’s appointment and filling your child with gluten and red dye, despite her KNOWING that you were following the Feingold diet.

6) Privacy is in your past. Just accept it. Whether you are taking a piss or going over every inch of your face and body, tweezers in hand, looking for anymore out-of-place hairs like that one you found under your chin a few weeks ago, you are going to have a captive, and chatty, audience. They’re also going to tell everybody about what they witness.

7) Which reminds me: You’re going to start finding weird hairs in weird places. Few things will ruin a night out faster than going to the bathroom and noticing, for the very first time, a 5 inch hair that looks like a piano wire growing out of your neck.

8) You think you’re critical of your body? HA! Wait until that fuck trophy starts talking! That I have maintained the slightest degree of self-esteem is nothing short of a miracle. Every dimple, every zit, every flabby bit, will be identified and pointed out. It isn’t said with any malice. It is just an observation, said in either a question form, as if to wonder if you were aware or inquiring as to what the blemish or flaw is, or said just to point out, as if just letting you know it was there was pertinent.

9) Moms can be horrible to other moms. For some reason, this phenomenon isn’t prevalent between dads. It is just moms. They will judge you and every choice you make. Don’t listen. Don’t get sucked in. Don’t let them make you second guess yourself. You listen to YOUR instincts. You listen to YOUR baby. You do what feels right to you. These are miserable bitches. Their lives are so sad and meaningless, that their only source of validation is admonishing other mothers. I feel sorry for them because it is so obvious that they’ve never been introduced to wine.

10) You’ll hold your baby and cry because you’re so overwhelmed with love, you know you could never give this life up.

11) You’ll cry because you’re so overwhelmed, you think you would.

12) Now that you’ve provided an heir, everyone will stop asking, “when are you going to have a baby”. Don’t go getting comfortable, though. NOW, the question everyone will ask is, “when are you going to have another one”. If and when you have a second child, it is usually general curiosity about whether or not you plan on having more. Any more than three, however, and everyone suddenly shifts to wondering when the hell you’re going to stop breeding.  Every person that says, “You know what causes that, don’t you”, seems to believe that it MUST be the first time you’ve ever heard that joke, even when they say it to you at every, single family function.

13) Babies grow up fast. Real fast. Don’t blink or, if you have to blink, take lots of pictures. You don’t need professional shots every half hour. The snapshots are the ones that you will really treasure. The ones with the story that you remember so vividly, even though it was 11 years ago and it was so insignificant to everyone else around. You’ll remember every stitch of his clothing and every giggle from that moment captured in time.

14) Pick your battles. If your two-year old son wants to play with a knife, take immediate action. If he wants to play with your purse, no one is going to get hurt.

15) You’ll eat so much crow after you have a baby. You’ve spent years judging other parents, listing out the things you’d never do or that you’d do so much better. It’s so easy to be a perfect parent when you’re standing on the outside looking in but minutes after your larvae comes screaming from your loins, reality is going to kick you square in the taco. Sure, YOUR kid is never going to watch TV! Then, one day, you’re going to want to take a shower or a crap and you’ll say YOUR child will only watch educational shows and only one a day. Then, you’re going to want to make a phone call or have sex with your husband or just a moment of peace and it all goes out the window. Of course, YOUR kid is never going to have any sugar. EVER. Then they will. Your kid is going to be completely conversational in sign language by the age of 6 months because studies show that they have a better grasp of language later and will complete their master’s degree in under a year. Then, if there is a God, you’ll wake up one day and stop worrying about stupid shit.

16) Never have an empty wine rack. Never. Ever.pair

Ways to Ruin a Bitch’s Day

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There is more than one way to skin this cat.  I admit, I have little patience for bullshit, HOWEVER, I usually do a good job of masking my desire to torch a kitten and put my head through a wall.  Give credit where credit is due!  I know that instances that puzzle me or piss me off would garner the same reaction from every other normal person.  Here are a few guidelines for being a positive presence in normal society:

  • Let me begin with an act that, albeit well-intentioned, is extremely irritating.  Let me paint you a picture: You are walking into a store or mall or any other public building and, as you open the door, you notice that about a quarter-mile back another person is headed for the door.  You, vying for the “good Samaritan” award, decide to hold the door open for the stranger in the distance.  What you may not realize is that you have now obligated a stranger that is half a football field away to haul ass to the door to avoid seeming ungrateful for the gesture and to ensure that your good deed is not carried out in vain.  I didn’t come to McDonald’s for a cardio workout, dammit!  For future reference, unless the person is less than 5 feet away or doesn’t have arms, you are relieved of your self-imposed position as door valet.  
  • That brings me to my next topic–elevator etiquette:  For starters, let people OFF the elevator before you get on.  Second, it is, actually, VERY rude to practically hurdle over the stroller in front of you, even if it is a reflex brought on by the intense fear of having to wait for the next elevator.  Unless you are in possession of a human organ that is about to expire, wait in line like every-fucking-body else.  Also, going back to my first point, don’t hold the elevator for people who are more than ten steps from the doors.  On the other hand, don’t be an asshole and start punching the door close button when people are right behind you.

Finally, and most importantly, have you been wondering if that woman next to you in the checkout is pregnant?  Are you dying to ask her?  Don’t!  A good rule of thumb is, unless a woman specifically states that she is pregnant or you see an infant dangling from a woman’s vagina, NEVER ASSUME PREGNANCY.  If you really want to ruin a bitch’s day, ask a woman who is not pregnant when she is due.  If you want to make bitch want to jump off a cliff, find a woman who has just had a baby, rub her belly and ask her when she is due.  If you are really quiet, you can hear what is left of her self-confidence shatter.

 

What would you add to this?

The Justhadababy Diet Isn’t Working!

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Number Four is six weeks old and I only weigh ten pounds less than I did the last hour of my pregnancy.  What the fuck?  Here is a picture of me naked:I have been so disciplined with my efforts to get back down to my fighting weight too!  I know all the dieting rules and tips.

  1. White food has no calories.  With that in mind, I have been eating a lot of bread and things like pasta with alfredo sauce, mozzarella and parmesan cheeses and things of the like.
  2. The calories in hot foods/liquids are burned up.  If I want a drink, I have stuck with hot chocolate and room temperature Dr. Pepper (it’s winter.  Our heat has been on inside the house.  It counts.) I like cheese but cold cheese would have too many calories so, instead, I have queso or grilled cheese.
  3. I like Oreos.  A lot.  But, I know better than just to cram the cookie in my mouth!  I break open the cookie and lick out the filling, which is white and, therefore, calorie free.  I throw away the cookie part or, if I want to eat it, I heat it up in the microwave.
  4. Wine burns calories.  Just opening a bottle burns 500 calories.  I drink wine several times a week.

Can someone please tell me, now, why the hell I am not already in my pre-pregnancy clothes?  Hell, I should be a fucking waif, given the level of discipline I have demonstrated!  What do I have to do?  Exercise?  That will be a cold day in hell.  Let me tell you something, if you see me running down the street, call the fucking police.  Rest assured, I didn’t take up a healthy hobby, I am in fear for my life.  Treadmills make no sense to me.  First of all, it requires you to run, which is bad enough, but to top it off, you don’t go anywhere.  The same goes for stationary bikes and stair climbers.  What kind of sick, twisted mind made fucking stairs that don’t get you anywhere?  But I digress.

I think I need to increase my wine intake.

Things No One Told You About Pregnancy

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All I ever heard, prior to having children, was that pregnancy was miraculous/beautiful/amazing.   Then I got pregnant and was forced to discover, all on my own, that it was all a cruel trick–an obvious line of bullshit that proved, once again, that misery loves company.  I’m going to lay it all out for you.  This is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!

  1. “Morning sickness”- This could strike at any hour of the day.  Some women won’t experience it, at all.  Others will feel a wave of nausea or throw up once.  Others will spend all day, every day, with their heads hung over the same porcelain bowl that accommodates various asses throughout the day. 
  2. Kiss those pretty pink areolas buh-bye!  Your nipples are getting a makeover!  Hope you like brown.
  3. While I am on the subject, you should also know that they are going to get a lot bigger too.  Those pretty little, dainty nipples you were previously sporting are now going to be visible from space.
  4. Stretch marks can happen at any given time during pregnancy.  I know so many women that have said, in the seventh or eighth month of pregnancy, that they felt lucky to get away with no stretch marks.  Then the stretch mark fairy comes to visit.  Other women think that they managed to get through pregnancy stretch mark free, only to give birth and discover that the underside of their belly (the part they couldn’t see) looked like they had been bull whipped.  You can slather your belly and ass in all the cocoa butter and vitamin E that your little heart desires.  It won’t keep you from getting stretch marks.  If you don’t get stretch marks, you can thank genetics.  If you tell me about how you don’t have any stretch marks, I will kick you in the taco.
  5. Pregnancy hormones can make you feel like you are going crazy.  You will cry, at least once (probably more), for no discernible reason.  I have been resigned to ripping out my husband’s jugular with my bare hands because he didn’t take out the trash before leaving for work.  In a matter of a second and a half, I can go from laughing and feeling great and then, without warning, I want to burst into tears and half the time I don’t know why I am crying.
  6. Pregnesia- Forgetful doesn’t begin to describe what pregnancy does to your brain.  Last week, I went to the grocery store to pick up a few items for some snacks, as I was having a few friends over.  I paid for my groceries, walked out to my car, loaded up my two-year old and headed home.  I didn’t even realize for at least another half hour that I had not brought a single grocery home with me.  Nope.  I had loaded up my toddler and pulled out of the parking lot, leaving my bags in the grocery cart.
  7. You are probably going to pee in your pants, at least once.  I promise.  Whether it is because you laughed hard, sneezed or cough, rest assured, you are going to end up with piss in your pants at some point.  Don’t worry, most women regain full bladder control.  With my second pregnancy, I may or may not have gone to L&D, convinced my water had broken, only to be informed by the doctor that I had just peed on myself.  Ahhhh, memories.
  8. Your vagina may stop bleeding for nine months but your facial orifices are going to start!  The extra blood volume necessary to support you and your baby is going to cause some fun stuff!  My nose, for instance, bleeds at the drop of a hat.  In the morning, in the evening, in the middle of the night; at any given time, blood just starts pouring out of my nose. It is best to also be prepared for all the blood you will see every time you brush your teeth.  Every time I finish brushing, it looks like I slaughtered a small animal in my sink.  It is soooo sexy.
  9. I admit, feeling your baby move inside of you for the first time is indescribable.  It is amazing.  Then they get bigger and stronger and they get lower.  There is nothing like walking through the store and suddenly being paralyzed for a split second because your precious gift from heaven just gave your cervix a head butt.  It is like getting shocked with 5oo volts of electricity in your vagina.
  10. You gain weight everywhere.  Even if it is only due to temporary bouts of water retention, you are most likely going to experience a day or two of swollen sausage fingers and cankles. 

The “joys” of pregnancy, for me, are fairly few and far between.  I hate being pregnant, truth be told.  I spend the majority of pregnancy being absolutely miserable.  Now, before you get all sanctimonious on me, let me finish!  I am not a fan of being pregnant but, considering the fact that I am doing it for the FOURTH TIME, I obviously feel that the end justifies the means.

Are there any things that you wish you had been told about being pregnant?

What NOT to Say

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I was pregnant with Number 2 and, during an ultrasound, was stunned to be told that I was carrying twins!  A day later,  I was told it as identical twins.  Over the next couple of weeks, I went from surprise to absolute excitement.  I was picking out names, planning out different nurseries in my head, trying to figure out how to afford two of everything and picturing our lives with twins.   Then, at the beginning of the second trimester, it was discovered that one of the twins no longer had a heartbeat.  For a few days, I convinced myself that it was a mistake and that I would go back to the doctor and they would see the heartbeat and admit they were wrong.  Needless to say, that didn’t happen.  I had lost one of my babies.  I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.  Unfortunately, well-meaning friends and family only made it worse with their attempts to be comforting.  Today, I am fine.  Honestly, the only time I am reminded of that time is when friends and loved ones reveal or discuss their own loss(es).  This has all inspired me to try to get the word out of things NOT to say to a woman who has experienced miscarriage(s).

  • When I lost one of my twins, one of the things people would say to me was, “At least you still have one”.  Let me explain to you why this is just a shitty thing to say:  Most mothers carrying multiples don’t view the babies they are carrying as “spare tires” or expendable.  A loss is a loss.
  • “It is just God/nature’s way of letting you know that something was wrong.”-  Wrong with her or wrong with the baby?  That is the unanswered question that will plague her.  Which answer would comfort her more?
  • “At least you know that you can get pregnant!”- Well, what a frickin’ relief.  I would bet dollars to donuts that she is more upset about the fact that she didn’t STAY pregnant, though.  Think.
  • “You can try again and have another.”- She wanted the baby she lost.  Don’t talk about her child like it is a household item that can simply be replaced.
  • “At least you know you have an angel in heaven.”-I promise you, she would rather be holding her angel in her arms.

    How would this sympathy card be considered comforting?

If you are faced with a loved one that is struggling with a loss, just shut your mouth and listen.  Hug her.  If she wants to cry, let her cry.  “If you want to say something:

  • “I’m here for you.”- So simple but it means so much.
  • “I know how much you wanted this baby.”- Acknowledging that her loss is meaningful and her grief is valid will go a long way.
  • “I don’t know what to say.”- This is the best thing to say when you don’t know what to say.  Don’t try to make her feel better with any of the above sentiments.  Admitting your at a loss for words is okay.  Just let her know that you are willing to listen to her.
  • “How are you doing?”- If you don’t know, just ask.  Let her tell you where she is emotionally.

When I lost Number 2′s twin, I cut myself off from everyone but my mother for a couple of weeks.  It wasn’t because I remained so consumed with grief that I could no longer interact socially.  It was because I couldn’t take one more person trying to offer me “comfort” in their attempts to be profound.   I have friends and relatives that have experienced loss, even multiple losses resulting from diagnosed infertility.  It turns out, I am not just some asshole who gets pissed or annoyed at people trying to make me feel better.  No.  It turns out, being well-intentioned doesn’t negate being insensitive for most other women mourning the loss of a child either.

Just some food for thought, for anyone that wants to actually be a positive presence for a woman/couple grieving the loss of a pregnancy.

For those that have experienced a loss, what are some of the most jaw dropping comments that were said to you?

People Just Never Cease To Amaze Me

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After my recent blog about the stupid things people say to pregnant women and just when I thought I had heard it all, I had an encounter during a recent ultrasound that took the cake.  Let me preface this by saying that it is rare that something or someone renders me speechless.  I usually have a lot to say and will voice my opinion at any given opportunity but this woman put me at a complete loss for words.  Okay, so let’s get in the DeLorean and go back in time to my ultrasound appointment a week ago…

I am laying on the table, with my shirt pulled up over my ginormous belly and the paper table-cloth tucked into the super sexy elastic lining of my shorts as the tech is typing random shit into her computer.  She starts asking me the usual small talk questions over the sound of the “PPPPPFFFFTTT” made when she squeezes the bottle of gel over my stomach.

Tech: “So, do you have any other children?”

Me: “Yes, this is my fourth.”

Tech: “How old are your others?”

Me: “I have a ten-year old daughter and my sons are five and two.”

Tech: “Do they all have the same Dad?”

Me: *blank stare* “Huh? Yeah. Ummm—-wait—what?!?”

Tech: “It’s just that, usually, with an age gap like that they don’t have the same father.”

The talk switched to the baby on the ultrasound screen at that point, which immediately held my undivided attention, completely distracting from the awkward exchange that had just taken place.  After I left the doctor’s office, the conversation replayed in my head and I have to admit, it really pissed me off.  What the shit kind of question is that to ask?  It is obviously irrelevant to the job at hand and, therefore, none of her fucking business.  For the record, my children were all fathered by my husband but I still found the question completely obnoxious and intrusive.  I haven’t said anything about it to anyone else at the doctor’s office but I keep wondering if I should.

 

What are some of the most obnoxious questions or comments you have heard, pregnant or not, from strangers or alleged professionals?

When did you lose your virginity and what is the diameter of your vaginal opening?

I’m Being So Careful But Still Gaining Weight Like an Elephant

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I cannot figure it out.  Yeah, yeah, I know–I’m pregnant.  I’m “supposed” to gain weight.  This is ridiculous, though.  My arms look like giant stuffed sausages and my neck has even gotten fat!  Don’t even get me started on my ass.  I have been super careful, though.  These other pregnant women who are in their third trimester and have barely gained ten pounds make me want to go on a postal rampage.  Why am I inflating like a Macy’s day parade float?  My calves have stayed skinny, so I look like a potato on tooth picks.  I am afraid my femur is going to shatter under the weight.

Self portrait. My arms aren't skinny anymore, though.

 

For the life of me, I am baffled.  I am drinking my weight in water.  Though, truth be told, I am peeing every12.6 minutes, so water retention is not the issue.  Okay, I admit, I have a MAY-JAH sweet tooth and I indulge those pesky cravings, pretty much, on demand BUT I take every opportunity to mitigate the impact of those indulgences.  For instance, I am obsessed with—I mean, this fetus is obsessed with Nutella.  So, if I sit and eat an entire jar of Nutella, I cancel out the calories with a diet drink.  No problem.  If I decide that I want to bake some Oreos inside some chocolate chip cookies and I eat half a dozen,  I make sure to eat them one at a time so that I am forced to get up off the couch and walk to the kitchen to get one and then all the way back to the couch.  With that much exercise, I should be burning into a negative calorie count.  I mean, my couch is AT LEAST 8 steps from my kitchen.    My husband helps too because, at times, he will see me eating an ice cream sundae and will say, “I thought you wanted to watch your weight” and I can literally feel my body temperature rise and my heart start racing, right before I start crying hysterically and calling my friends telling them about how he just looked straight at me and called me a repulsive fat bitch (he gets upset and swears that isn’t what he said but I heard what he meant to say).  That is calories burned!

He'll regret saying that.

 

If I am just going to blow up like a blimp regardless, I am not going to continue putting such effort into responsible eating habits.

Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

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I know I have touched on this before but it bears repeating.  Sometimes I have to wonder if some people are just complete and total idiots or if they are just complete and total assholes.  The things people say, in general, often baffles me but the things people say to a pregnant woman are mind-boggling.  Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t limited to the general public or even friends and family; the things my husband says often make me want to kick him square in the coin purses.  Grab a pen a pad, class.  You need to take notes.

  1. Are you having twins? – Gee, thanks!  I was under the mistaken impression that my weight gain wasn’t abnormal.  Now, thanks to you, I realize that my ass has grown at an alarming rate and that the only logical explanation that you can fathom is multiples.
  2. Are you SURE you’re not having twins? Maybe they missed one! – Look, asshole, I told you that I had an ultrasound and there was only one heartbeat and only one fetus.  Thanks to you, I am fully aware that I am a certifiable heifer but it is NOT because there is a hidden twin in my uterus, it is because I ate an entire pan of brownies and washed it down with chocolate chip cookies stuffed with Oreos.  HAPPY NOW?!?!
  3. You are getting HUGE! - Why is it okay to say this to a pregnant woman?  Would any of you non-pregnant people appreciate this being said to you?  Why do you think that just because I am pregnant that I should be okay with, much less flattered or excited by, having my weight thrown in my face every other day?
  4. I HATE that name. - I really don’t give a fuck.  Have your own baby and name it whatever the fuck you want.  Also, don’t offer me a list of acceptable alternatives.  I don’t care if you hate the name I have chosen and, NO, I don’t want to pick Joseph instead because you love Joseph.  If you want to name your baby Tutu Fairydust, I could not give less of a fuck.
  5. You’re not supposed to be drinking that Dr. Pepper- Kiss my ass.  I will drink whatever the fuck I want.  Whether I want to be reasonable and drink a Dr. Pepper every day or if I want to drink a 12 pack a day, it is none of your fucking business.  Cram it.
  6. Haven’t you had that baby yet? - Asking this question should be grounds for justifiable homicide.  If I had the baby, would I still be pregnant, dumbass?  Do you think I gave birth and crammed the baby back into my vagina because being kicked, having back aches, not being able to breathe, not being able to sleep, having swollen feet and fingers, sweating bullets when it is 50 degrees and having everyone express surprise at how fat your ass is getting is so much fucking fun?
  7. Four kids?!? That is going to be hard! - No shit, Sherlock.  Here I was thinking that the reason three was hard was because of the odd number.  My theory is that with three, one of them is the third wheel and THAT is the reason I have to do so much parenting.  Now that I am adding a fourth, the numbers will be even and they will pair off and take care of each other and I can get on with my life.
  8. How are you feeling? - Like complete and total shit, that’s how I am feeling.  I am fat.  I am waddling.  My legs hurt.  My feet are swelling.  I have to pee every 34.7 seconds.  I can’t sleep.  I can barely breathe.  I am beyond exhausted.   My back hurts.  My feet hurt.  A tiny human is beating the hell out of me from the inside.  I AM MISERABLE.  Most likely, however, I am just going to tell you “I’m fine” because people expect you to blow sunshine and rainbows up their skirts and tell you about the magical wonders of pregnancy.
  9. Don’t you just love being pregnant? - Brace yourself:  No.  Actually, I do not enjoy pregnancy at all.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the end result but I do not enjoy being pregnant.  I completely understand that there are countless women that have struggled with infertility and/or experienced losses (I have several friends that fall under those umbrellas) but I don’t see why that means that I have to learn to love being sick, being swollen, being sore, being fatigued, as well as the additional symptoms I have experienced as a result of having Lupus and Secondary Sjogren’s, like coughing up blood, severe anemia, preterm labor and all the medications that come with that, kidney infections, etc.  Suck it.

The following are things and expectant father should NEVER say to his pregnant wife/girlfriend:

    1. Are you really going to eat another cookie/brownie/bowl of ice cream? - Why don’t you just call her a fat bitch and start mooing?  If you value your life, you will offer to get her that sixth brownie that she is eyeballing.
    2. My back is killing me. - You really are barking up the wrong fucking tree.  You really don’t know the meaning of discomfort until you have experienced the third trimester of pregnancy.  You will be hard pressed getting any ounce of sympathy from me.  Your aching back can be fixed with a little pain pill.  My achy back requires that I eject a tiny human from my body and I don’t get to pick when that happens.
    3. Why are you so tired? – You really want to pull at that thread?  I can tell you exactly why, in great detail, if you want to know.  Better yet, why don’t I wake you up every time I wake up to pee or because the baby kicked too hard or because I got a Charlie horse.  Let me know how well rested you feel.
    4. You should get more sleep. - Well, that is a genius fucking idea!  Why didn’t I think of that?
    5. Why are you being such a bitch? - Run.  Run for your life.  Best case scenario, she is going to launch into a verbal tirade, the likes of which you have never seen; giving new meaning to “bitch”.  Worst case scenario, you are going to die.
    6. (Insert name) looks GREAT for having three kids! – OH NO YOU DIH-ENT!!  Shit like that will get you killed when I am not pregnant.
    7. What did you make for dinner? - Well, I made myself a brownie hot fudge sundae.  You can have whatever you want.

Other useful tips: