Tag Archives: status updates

What NOT to Post on Facebook

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I love Facebook. I am absolutely addicted. It is a great place to keep up with family and friends. It offers the chance to keep up with current events and you may even find out points of view of your friends and family that you would not have, otherwise, discovered. From news, to entertainment, to what the hell is everyone doing on Friday, it is available in one place. I like to use my personal Facebook very lightheartedly, for the most part. At least once a day, I am stunned at what people will post on their Facebook pages. I know that, for those that are diligent about their privacy settings, these postings are only viewable by their closest 387 friends but I still urge you to take a second and consider the following before you hit that “enter” key.

1) No one really needs to know about the activity of your bowels.

Seriously. It’s fucking gross. Whether they are inactive or overactive, it is too fucking much information. What is the point of sharing this with hundreds of people?

2) Sharing about your children’s shitting habits is just as disgusting.

Telling all of your friends that little Janie’s ass exploded in her diaper and describing in any detail about how much, how far down her legs it ran or how much laundry you had to do as a result is more than we ever needed to know. I assure you, little Janie will be horrified that you shared this information one day.

3) Your friends/family don’t need to know EVERY detail about your pregnancy, labor or childbirth.

Sharing stories about cravings, bitching about weight gain or baby movements, etc is fine. You do not, however, need to tell us about things like your mucous plug, leaking breasts, bloody show, sweeping membranes or how many fingers your doctor got into your vadge during the cervical exam. Give us the abridged, family friendly version.

Hey! I just started my period!

4) Every random thought or action you make throughout the day.


10:30am- Just had breakfast. Oatmeal and toast. nom nom nom

10:54am- I forgot to get trash bags at the store!

11:47am – at the store, getting trash bags!

12:49pm- I love Ellen show

3:20pm- It’s hot outside.

3:32pm- wish I had a pool :(

4:49pm-Gotta make dinner

5:36pm-dinner smells good!

6:07pm- dinner is delicious! (complete with picture)

7:00pm- nothing on TV

8:11pm- getting tired *yawn*

9:02pm- going to bed. GN FB!

Is that really necessary? Why do people think that anyone wants to know every fucking move you make or every thought that passes through your head. If you are bored while living that shit, what makes you think READING about it would be entertaining? Watching paint dry would be more interesting. Take that shit to twitter.

5) Your relationship bullshit

You can’t wait to kissy and cuddle your hunky schmoopy poo? Don’t post that shit on his/her Facebook page, mmmkay. Send it in a text or make a personal phone call.  Why do you think the world needs to be privy to this ridiculousness? Keep the pillow talk to yourselves, especially if it involves baby talk and stupid pet names.  My favorites are those that have to say “cuddling with the hubby and watching a movie”. Here’s a novel idea: Why don’t you put down your iPad or smart phone and actually spend time with your significant other. Facebook will still be there in 92 minutes when your movie is over.

On the other side of the same coin, there is couples drama. Now, I won’t go so far as to discourage this because, well, it is totally entertaining. If you want to hash out your disagreement for everyone to see, I won’t tell you to stop. I’m going to pop some fucking popcorn and sit back and hope for fireworks! Put on a good show and I will even ‘like’ my favorite comments. Consider those clicks to be my votes for the ‘winner’ of the argument. (Don’t mistake my amusement or participation for approval. You are making complete asses of yourselves. I, like most other people, just can’t take my eyes off a train wreck.)6) How BUSY, BUSY you are.

You’ve posted three statuses in 2 hours about how you have so much work to do, so much paperwork, so much organizing, you never have enough time to get anything done because the boss, or your homework or your kids have you completely overwhelmed and you barely have time to take a piss. In between posting those status updates and comments, you have achieved a new high score in Bejeweled, shared some Youtube funnies and commented on pictures from last weekend.

7) Vaguebook posts

I have a couple of friends that are notorious for this one. (coughHEATHERcough) The status usually is three words or less and leaves you wondering what the fuck they are referring to and if they are in some sort of distress. Some examples are:

“THIS ISN’T HAPPENING!” (which you later find out was a response to the American Idol results show)

“Wow. Just wow.” (turns out, some one cut them off in the parking lot of work)

 

What would you add to the list of FB DON’Ts?

How to be annoying on Facebook:

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  • Post every random thought or move you make, no matter how mundane.   

1:15pm-”Going to store!”.

1:28pm-”Yeah!  Fish sticks are on sale!”.

1:44pm-”Standing in checkout line.”.

2:02pm-”I used $10 worth of  coupons and made Krogers my bitch!”.

I don’t know what is worse.  The fuckwits that think anyone should care about this random bullshit or the fuckwits that actually do and take the time to comment on this bullshit.  I don’t have a life and you are boring the shit out of me.  Congratulations.  You win at sucking at life.

  • Post cryptic messages (aka “vaguebooking”)

“Done crying!  I am over it!”

-(comment)-”I’m sorry.  You need to talk?”

-(response)-”no.  This is personal.

Okay, fine.  If it is so fucking personal, don’t post it on facebook.  If you are going to put it out there, don’t be surprised when you illicit concern or confusion from your friends who have had this blasted on their news feeds.

  • Post your workout regime and results.  CONSTANTLY.

Do you really think anyone gives a fuck what body parts you worked today or how long you were at the gym or if you are soooo sad that you didn’t make it to the gym today?  I don’t care about how many ounces of bland, boiled chicken you ate and how many calories you consumed and burned.  If this is your only contribution to my news feed, you are most likely going to be hidden, at minimum.

  • Posting love notes to and/or about your significant other all. the. time.

1:23PM  “Hi baby!  I love you so, so, so much!”

3:59 PM “2 weeks, 10 hours and 14 minutes ago, we met and fell in love.  Happy two-week anniversary!  I love you, boo!”

5:32 PM “I have the greatest boyfriend in the entire world.  John Smith, I love you so much.  I can’t wait until you get home from work!  I miss you.”

7:10 PM “We just finished Glee!  I have the most amazing boyfriend.  He got me a bowl of ice cream.  Awwwww!  We are so in love, like Rachel and Finn.”

Who are you trying to convince, me or you?  If you have to constantly validate one another and/or inform the world that you do, in fact, love your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, I am probably going to think you are on some pretty shaky ground.  Well, it is either that or you are 14 years old (in which case, it just goes with the territory).  If you can’t go an hour without proclaiming your love for him/her, do us all a favor and put it in an email, mmmmkay? No one is buying this bullshit anyways.

Also, calling your significant other “boo” should stand on its own on this list because that is super annoying too.  What the fuck does that even mean?   I have about 10 people on my friends list that constantly refer to their “boo” and it makes me want to punch them.  “BOO” is said at the climax of a rousing game of “peek a boo” (which is often startling to babies) or something shouted to intentionally scare/startle someone.  At what point did this catch on as a pet name?  Does the sight of your loved one scare or startle you?   It makes no fucking sense but I digress…

  • Ask questions about subjects that can be easily searched

“Someone told me that dogs can’t eat grapes.  Does anyone know if that is true?“

You obviously have internet access but, hey asshole, let me google that for you!  I love it more when you point out that this information is easily found via a quick internet search and they reply “Yeah, I know but I just didn’t feel like taking the time to look it up.”.  Are you fucking kidding me?  In the time that it took you to type that status, you would have had your answer.

  • What’s for dinner?

I don’t remember having Gordon fucking Ramsey on my friends list so why is my news feed clogged daily with descriptions and pictures of what you made/ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner?  I don’t really give a fuck.  You marinated a chicken for 6.5 hours, baked it with (insert spices/herb) and then made some reduction sauce or glaze and you picked peas from your garden, shelled them and steamed them?  Now you want to post those specific details, along with a picture and I am supposed to do what?  Unless you are delivering me a plate, I don’t get the point.  I can forgive the occasional “look at what I made” post but I don’t need to see this every day for every meal.  Entertain me, bitches!

  • I do not want to be your neighbor in Farmville!

If I wanted to play Farmville or Yoville or join your mafia or your sorority, I would have probably accepted your invitation one of the first 50 times you sent it to me.  If I didn’t accept your invitation to play, please don’t send me messages to my inbox or write on my wall telling me that you need this new cow or plant and you could get it if I join.  I don’t give a fuck.  Newsflash:  it isn’t real!  If you want to play, good for you but don’t try to make me give a rat’s ass about your pretend farm or job or mafia.  It won’t work.

  • Having no grasp of the English language and having no shame about that

“Wut iz up?  Iz hangen wit ma peeps n da mall.  Den gona partay at dis club wit ma homeez.”

Shoot me.  Please.  Right in the face.  This shit is like kryptonite to me.  For your sake, for my sanity, for the love of society, please go back to school.

  • Tag me in embarrassing or ugly photos

Yes, we went out Friday and I had more than a couple of jager bombs and it was 100 degrees outside.  I don’t mind that you took pictures of our girls night at the bar but what the fuck would possess you to post them on facebook, much less tag me in them?  If they are funny, horrible, shoot them to me in an email so we can laugh about them.  You’re either an idiot or an asshole.

Just stop it.